"Why every woman secretly craves a daughter" - Telegraph article

[channing55]

Apparently 80% of British couples who have traveled to America to choose the gender of their baby want a girl.

What do people think? Is Beverly Turner right? Do all women secretly (or not) crave a daughter?

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/10980660/IVF-sex-selection-why-every-woman-secretly-craves-a-daughter.html

I am very close to my mother, which I think is significant in how one feels about this issue - i did long for a daughter, when I found out I was having a boy first I shamefully did have a slight twinge of disappointment which thankfully disappeared as soon as he was born. Subsequently I have had a daughter too, and I am so so glad. I do not love her any more than I love my son, and in fact I find her brother much easier and generally delightful . . . however I do feel an intimacy, a capacity for mutual understanding that is greater with her than with him. I do think it's often true that a girl is for life but a boy is yours til he finds a wife. Equally my husband really wanted a boy first, and again I get it - he adores his daughter fiercely but she is in some ways a little alien to him, she baffles him (this is of course a lot of the charm and fun of the relationship between a child and the parent of the opposite sex) but he 'gets' his son.

I honestly never cared one way or other. DH siad he didn't and I see no reason to doubt him.

We never found out the sex and relatives got annoyed with us about that as they couldn't buy the correct colours and toy - I remember thinking wtf in response.

I got a mix as it happened - they are individuals and it's been a surprise where they have conformed to stereotypes and where they haven't.

Still don't think it's gender that "baffles" people, it's personality.

I'm an introvert. I baffle many people (extroverts). Nothing to do with me being a girl, everything to do with me being introverted.

People expect their same gendered children to be like them. Often they appear to be, as they are under these expectations from birth. So their mum wants them to like shopping, and go shopping together, so they do, to please the adult who is their world. Boys go to the football with dad, and like it because they get one-on one attention and have a great time.

It's impossible to prove nature vs. nurture, but many girls behave like they do and like what they like because it pleases adults.

DH definitely "gets" both our DD's, as much as I do. They all enjoy playing trains, going swimming, watching ballet. He likes to do activities they enjoy, rather than trying to make them like stuff he enjoys….

So they are happy to take numbers from a very specific part of the population, people who can 1- afford to have IVF in the US and 2- who might also have major problems with conception and say that whatever is true for them us true for thevwhe population. Right

I have met people who really wanted a girl. One if them had a lost a daughter, the other was in a family with only boys (hers, nephews, cousins on both her and her DH side). Having a girl was seen a bit like the holy graal. Both did some genetic testing. But just one had a child after that.
There are IMO some big issues on an ethical basis associated with gender testing.
And these two families have some very specific issues.
I would have never thought about saying from that that clearly all women want a dd.

This is such a smokescreen.

Western women in fighting about something a western women writes for money in a right wing newspaper.

This non issue is a drop in the ocean compared to the mass gendercide of girl babies globally.

This is what we should be shouting about.

Not getting distracted by this drivel.

I was thinking similar Micah. We have always taken our children to a variety of things, consequently both boys are interested in doing things that neither me or my husband are necessarily interested in. My OH really enjoys sport and rugby and mountain walking in particular, neither boy is interested. I think it does make him sad from time to time but agrees that he could have immersed them in his activities until they learned to enjoy them rather than helping them to find what they enjoy. he was over the moon when No2 son got interested in watching the tennis when Wimbledon was on.....so maybe all is not lost yet :)

So many people are making assumptions - you wonder how they will manage if they don't get the personality they assume. Each child is unique- just because you have a great relationship with your mother doesn't mean your DD will emulate it. Just because you come from a line of strong women doesn't mean it will continue.
I can think of whole lists of examples- e.g my friend and her DD whose whole life is horses and her granddaughter who has no interest and won't go near a horse. ( luckily her son is horse mad). The football fanatic man who was longing to share it with his son, go to matches etc and his son doesn't take any interest.
It is pure luck of personality and nothing to do with gender.

As a child there is nothing worse than a parent who has your life mapped out according to what suits them because they have never bothered to find out who you really are.

Good posts Delphiums

But surely most of us, whatever our fantasies, do actually respond to our child and love them unconditionally, whatever sex they turn out to be , or whatever interests they have.

So people who say 'I wanted a girl but have a boy, and I'm so happy it turned out that way and now don't want a girl' may have felt exactly the same way had they had the opposite preferences, or had they had the sex they first thought they wanted.

It is surely only a minority, and I agree, parents who cause problems for their children, who have such rigid projections?

In truth, I am not sure that it is generally balanced, relaxed and happy people who go to the trouble of going to an American clinic to ensure gender selection.

Apologies to those of you who have been left faraid to parent girls because of your own experiences. I have no 'aspersions' on an of you, and hope that better experiences in life, rather than gender selection, helps you recover from your childhood.

I wanted a daughter. I had a son first and forgot all about it, really enjoyed having a son. Then I had a daughter and was pleased but that was a much because I had one of each rather than having a daughter. I'd rather have a son and a daughter than two daughters put it that way.

onedream
Add to all the chap you so neatly summarised that if you are going to go to that effort you are also going to chose a clinic with a track record of producing the gender you want. I bet there are other clinics that have 80% of people wanting boys.

Isn't the swing more to having a boy like 52% so, while there will be natural preferences there will be more people that favour a girl then get a boy than the other way round.

But also - is it just that more women can envisage being a parent to a girl as you understand being a girl and more men would like at least one boy as that is what they relate to.

Anecdotally - I have lots of conversations where the dc are going to a place they went as children themselves and really enjoying their dc experiencing something they did so maybe there is an urge to recreate ones own childhood where it has been a good one.

I remember another of Beverly Turner's columns in which she wrote awful things about her son and was quite brutally honest about how she blatantly favours her daughters. Poor boy will probably read it one day.

Just when I think I quite admire her writing style, she prints something that makes me believe she's a bit unpleasant. Either that or she gets a kick out of shocking.

I wanted girls, terribly. So much so that I actually put off ttc so that I could resolve these feelings - I thought it wouldn't be fair to any son I might have. Then it hit me, like a lightbulb moment, that it's absolutely fine to have a preference so long as you understand that your preference means nothing (unless you go to the US and pay loads of dosh, of course) - all it means is that you have some preconceived notions about what girls and boys will bring to your life. And those preconceived notions are probably bollocks.

Once I'd worked out this blinding insight (yes, I know it was probably obvious to everyone else!) I just got on with it. And had two daughters. Neither of whom show any inclination to help in the kitchen or sit quietly and demurely.

I think it's a bit tragic to want a baby girl because you think she'll go shopping and hairstyling with you. She may or may not, but really - don't you grow out of wanting a friend to go shopping with long before you get pregnant?

I've never been a mummy's OR a daddy's girl so I guess that's probably why I never cared either way what gender Dcs I had in a way. Both my parents are cool and I like hanging out with them both, but never been one or the other's 'girl' if you see what I mean.

I have two sons and two daughters and I am also baffled by the stereotypes. I hate the "girls love to sit and colour" stereotype along with the "boys are so full of energy". I have girls who love sport and climbing trees and one boy who would much rather sit and read a good book anytime.

Having said that, I don't know if I would have wanted a DD or not as I have had two of each, so difficult to say.

Bev on controlling unruly sons sic.

Oh she is really really grim isn't she. Her poor poor son. Actually her poor daughters too, trained to be helpers from toddlers.

Boys are not a different species to girls! All children are unique and deserved to be loved and related to as who they are not as some terrible stereotype.

The education that she obviously needed was about herself and her own prejudices. I can't believe that they haven't affected her relationships with her children.

God she just carries it on, doesn't she? Not ALL boys are like that and not ALL girls are demure little angels, not by a long fucking way!

And this was so sad:
"I’ve tried descriptive praise before and it usually ends in Croyde looking at me as though I’ve gone mad and asking: “Are you being sarcastic?”"

What does that say about the way she normally speaks to him? :(

My 2 boys are quite different - DS1 was the quiet demure one, always happy with colouring in, loves reading, sits quite happily playing by himself, or watching a film or whatever. OK, now he's 6.6, he has a good line in backchat and being a knowitall but I blame that more on him being at school than just him. DS2, otoh, is that archetypal "If it's gone quiet, you worry what the hell he's up to" child - he's a climber (Which DS1 never was) and a daredevil, and into everything. And there are girls in his playgroup who are as bad and worse than he is. I really despise the way BT is talking about her son, it's awful. :(

Could be, sleepy!
Quite a few of my friends stop with the "troublesome" one though, as they feel they couldn't cope with another troublesome one! But it isn't always number 2 - one of my friends has 4 boys, and it's the youngest one who is the "troublesome" one. :)
(I'm not having any more because we only wanted 2 and I'm too old now anyway, realistically.)

I don't understand the 'wanting to recreate my childhood' bit as if being female means you can only do it for a girl. I had a wonderful childhood but I had brothers and we did things together- all the best things could be done with my sons.
You also get the idea from all these stereotypes that boys never sit still and read or do craft activities which is just untrue.

When I was a little girl I thought I'd want a girl.
Now I have two boys I am happy with my family, I have no desire what so ever to have a girl.