..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

[Sassyb0703]

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

Glad it has started to fall into place OP. Well done. I am at a loss to see why people are so infuriated with you. I completely understand why your Dd might not want to feel she has to "look after" her dsd at her own party, particularly if she is inclined to tantrum. It's a bit like any party where you feel you have to invite someone that knows none of the other guests. You feel worried about them all evening rather than being able to relax and enjoy it.

I was thinking, what about a compromise, Dsd comes to the party for some of the night and goes out with her dad for a pizza for the rest? Anyway, I hope it goes well and I'm really sorry to hear that you have been unwell. I have had health problems myself over the past few years and know how stressful it can be for the whole family.

I think your Dd has done really well if she has had to be grown up while you were unwell, Jeez, no one is perfect and she is only 12. I hope she enjoys her party.

Why is she being "invited"? It's her home too. One thing if you picked a date not on a visitation. But if it is, she's just home, thus takes part in any event in house. Like er every other sibling in the land. I don't get this description.
Not the same for everyone, though, and definitely not "every sibling in the land". In our house, the kids don't take part in any event in the house. If we have an "adult" party, they aren't invited. They can put in an appearance, and then they are given the heave-ho. Likewise, when the older kids have friends round, we appear and shuffle off; the adorable preschooler puts in an appearance and then we make her leave their 'big kids' alone. Between the two siblings that are close in age, it depends on the occasion whether they are encouraged to include the other - when younger, they did attend each other's birthday party, now they are older, they don't. Invites are needed for siblings, in our house! I think that's fair.But it also requires sensitivity and scrupulous balance.
As someone said before, that's a difference of approach that goes beyond blended family stuff. No right or wrong about that. Just different.

Oh the judgemental attitudes being displayed here towards twelve year old children... because of course none of the twelve year olds on here would ever kick off unnecessarily would they?

Tbh, for me the key point would be the venue not the party. Given the party is in the house, the rule would be that everyone in the house was welcome with no need for an invite, and that would include the adults if I was feeling particularly militant

As for the posters saying that if your parents have another baby then it’s the same as if your parents marry someone with other children, of course it isn’t, and it is ridiculous to even suggest it. Anyone wants to think that in an ideal world they will get together with someone with children, the families will blend because the parents love each other and they will all live happily ever after, but the reality is far removed from that because the children didn’t ask to be put in that situation. And the difference between biological siblings and step siblings is that a child has quite a while to get used to the idea of there being a biological sibling, the pregnancy, the build-up, and then the birth where that child forms a relationship with their sibling from the very beginning. It is vastly different to having another child thrust into their lives and being told they are now their step siblings because their parents decided that was how it should be. The children might have to put up with it, but that doesn’t mean they have to like it.

Totally agree Wannabee.

thanks guys, honestly most of the time I have encouraged my youngest the 12 yr old to join in and play with her younger step sisters, and this has been pretty much ok up until secondary school although my dd is quite a quiet child and Dsd is polar opposite. However since secondary I have allowed dd to go into town at weekends and meet up with school friends as do not feel it fair that she be forced to be with steps just because they are visiting, after all if they lived with us full time I wouldn't dream of forcing them to spend the weekend together. The older ones 16 plus to 18 are all as thick as thieves, have always got on well together, would want to go to each other's parties and have done so. They also do their own thing with their own friends from school/uni/work the difference in this case is simply down to personality. There was a question about 'inviting' and why are they invited to a party at their other home ? the answer is simple, because it is dd2 party. Her brothers is not invited, neither her sister nor her 2 step sisters or step brother. She is having an end of term party for her school friends, from a school that none of the others attend. It is not a family party or a birthday if it were none of this would have been an issue. All would be invited without question. Having read all the comments I am happy with the solution although have definitely come to believe that on occasion there is absolutely nothing wrong with one person doing something for themselves and being allowed to enjoy. There is plenty more time for social angst over inviting people you don't much care for to social occasions out of obligation (can't imagine the horror weddings will bring !!...) but at 12 for a few hours she can be herself with her friends !

I get the thread has moved on a bit, but I actually disagree with the majority too. Me and my sisters who quite close in age, but we never really came to each others parties between the ages of 10-18. We were just different people, with different interests, and different friends. As long as your dsd also has the opportunity to have her friends around at some point, I don't see why they should be expected to hang out together just because they are the same age. Would you be happy if your husband expected you to invite his sister or something if you were going out with your friends? Why not, after all you are family, and a similar age?

actually I threw a camping party for Dsd birthday and invited her friends from school, I made it a sleep over as Dsd lives about 40 miles away. Within the first hour Dsd was throwing a scene worthy of Joan Collins at her soap queen finest, because her younger sister wanted to come in the tent ! and no my dd didn't go, she very wisely absented herself by arranging a sleep over at a friends house... Dsd recovered after twenty minutes or so and went on to have a lovely party..

They both sound great and very normal! You sound like a lovely mum x

the children didn’t ask to be put in that situation
Nope, no children do. Step or otherwise. What child has any control over its conception or the family into which it arrives? It's as silly as "you knew what you were getting into when you got married". Er, yes, and so then did the first spouse? Bunch of old cliches.
I find it especially funny that the phrase has been used about my stepchildren (older), but never about my DD (younger). How did she choose to be born into their family any more than they chose to be a part of her's?

I think a lot of PPs are being unfair on the DD. She's 12, an age when social issues are a very big deal. Maybe DSD doesn't fit in with her friends and that's awkward for everyone. I have never understood people insisting siblings be involved in everything.

I think 12 is too old to try to force them to be friends or include each other and this party isn't the way to do it.

This is the second thread I have read tonight where people feigned horror at a 12-year-old being interested in boys and makeup. Does no-one remember being 12? My diary that I wrote about a boy was so mortifying that I had to get rid of it. It was S1 at secondary school and EVERYTHING was about boys. And electric blue mascara with frosted pink lipstick.

www.salihughesbeauty.com/columns/in-memoriam-boots-17-twilight-teaser/

This one. It looked horrible.

Primal, I think you and I must be similar in age!

Big 4-0.

I'm a bit older! 44. Had my first kiss at my own 13th birthday disco...."Come on Eileen" playing in the background!

Ooh I had that single

I was a Rimmel girl, it was Heather Shimmer all the way for me! Same colour but a pound cheaper!

Don't know if this would work, but could you also ask one of DD's elder siblings to come, to keep an eye on DSD if she kicks off?

As, iirc, I LOVED older girls at that age, and if an 18 year old had been at my friends party, I would have been very impressed!

I think you have been unfairly slated on this thread.

And as one of three siblings, all 12 months apart, who did NOT get invited to each other's social events - I actually don't think your DD is being unreasonable.

And back in the day, as soon as I went to secondary school, the order of the day was make up, music and fashion, and boys. Nothing wrong or abnormal about that!

My brother was a complete prat when he was about 12. I would have been gutted if my parents insisted he was around when I had friends over at 13. I would rather have not had them there than suffer his company.

I don't think any 12 year old gets to dictate who leaves the house to suit her. If my child or stepchild told me to leave the house I'd be very unimpressed.

But I don't think the DSD needs a specific invitation either. She lives there, will be there that night, so she can choose whether she wants to be participate or not. The best course of action for your DD (and the best manners) would be for her to tell DSD that she is welcome to invite a friend of her own to the party. Your DH could perhaps offer to take DSD and friend out for pizza before coming back to the party, but it needs to be clear it is an offer to make them have more fun than being a way of keeping her out of her own home.

brdgrl but presumably your dd is related to your step children so of course it is different. And she will know no different than having those children in her life from the outset - it's not the same as step children being representative of the breakdown of your family.

Of course many children are resentful of the arrival of a new bio sibling, hence the existence of sibling rivalry. But children don't seem to be permitted the same levels of sibling rivalry when the new "sibling" is a step sibling and is thrust into their lives when already a few years old.

If the op's dd hadn't wanted to invite her biological sibling and had kicked off people would have assumed it was natural sibling rivalry, but she kicks off at a step sibling and is branded spiteful and all manner of other things, and yet she's still expected to embrace this girl as a sibling, just as long as it's positively.

Not all sibling grelationships are positive, but at least there is a blood connection, but it stands to reason that not all step sibling relationships will be positive, and as there is no biological connection, there is no reason other than the parent's say-so why these children should associate with each other.

brdgrl but presumably your dd is related to your step children so of course it is different.
wannabe, I'm talking about what people have actually said to me on MN. Those people don't see it as different, they still trot out the "they didn't choose...." line.

Of course many children are resentful of the arrival of a new bio sibling, hence the existence of sibling rivalry. But children don't seem to be permitted the same levels of sibling rivalry when the new "sibling" is a step sibling and is thrust into their lives when already a few years old.
I don't think that's true, actually. In my RL experience and my MN experience, most stepparents/parents are very conscious of the difficulties for the children, and considerable adjustment is made for that fact.

If the op's dd hadn't wanted to invite her biological sibling and had kicked off people would have assumed it was natural sibling rivalry, but she kicks off at a step sibling and is branded spiteful and all manner of other things
I would not be willing to dismiss the behaviour as an acceptable level of sibling rivalry. If the OP was about two sisters, I would not be willing to My own two DSC are close in age, and I would not see this behaviour as acceptable or treat it as 'oh well, sibling rivalry', as you suggest. If a child is being spiteful towards another child and kicking off (and here I am talking about the hypothetical child you propose, not about the child in the OP, who I myself have not referred to as spiteful, just to be clear!), that is an issue that I would not be content to write off as sibling rivalry.

I also think it is wrong to call it sibling rivalry, when the very point you are making is that they (the girls in this situation, at least) are not siblings and clearly don't live as such. The girl's behaviour needs to be considered not as that towards a sister, but as that towards a stepsiter, which often is a different relationship altogether.

and yet she's still expected to embrace this girl as a sibling, just as long as it's positively.
I don't disagree with you that there is a terrible double standard and a terrible attempt to demand that blended families 'have things both ways'. I often say so myself.

My point is that the line about "not choosing it" is used as often to insist on that same false positivity and double standard. For instance, in another thread, the OP could very very easily be told "You sound really unpleasant, with your criticisms of your DSD for her tantrums and misbehaviour. Of course she misbehaves [insert here: steals, hits your DD, refuses to speak to you, breaks your DD's toys, insults you, whatever] - after all, she didn't choose to be in a blended family!"
There are hundreds of examples of that phrase being similarly trotted out on these boards, and it's bullshit, every time.

But I don't think the DSD needs a specific invitation either. She lives there, will be there that night, so she can choose whether she wants to be participate or not.
Where do you draw the line on that? Are individuals in the house not allowed privacy? Particularly with older kids (or adults!!), people need to be able to have friends round and not have to tolerate siblings (or children and stepchildren!!) hanging about. I have banned my DSD from doing it when I have guests myself - and I make sure her siblings leave her alone when she does. It works both ways.

I said I think it was wrong to have the party on a weekend DSD is there, and not include her, given the circumstances. But the idea that DSD or any of the other siblings should be free to just 'crash' simply because it is happening at their home isn't very nice either.

as there is no biological connection, there is no reason other than the parent's say-so why these children should associate with each other.
Actually, the same could be said of biological siblings. There is no automatic reason why I should associate with my sisters or brother, simply becase we have a genetic link, but when we were younger, our parents made us. Now we choose whether to associate or not, and that decision has more to do with shared history or shared temperment than shared blood. Children don't get to choose.

Adopted children also have no biological connection.

I think the point is that "the parent's say-so" is good enough for me. It's all there ever is, frankly.