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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

216 replies

Sassyb0703 · 17/07/2014 11:20

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

OP posts:

CanaryYellow · 17/07/2014 12:33

I think your DSD would probably be better off going out, because from the tone of your OP I'm honestly worried that your terribly mature DD and her mates would make DSD feel really uncomfortable and unwanted at the party.

popmimiboo · 17/07/2014 12:35

Couldn't DSD invite two or three friends of her own? That way DD can hang out with her own friends but DSD gets to have fun too without getting pushed out or feeling awkward.

My 12 year old doesn't want her little sister overly involved in her parties so we often let DD2 bring her best friend along -they join in for a bit and then go off and leave DD1 with her friends. This always works for us.

Might be nice for them to have some shared memories of the evening too.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:36

I agree...going by what has been said, I doubt the dsd would have a nice time at the grand party, with her step sister and her oh-so-mature little friends.

But the saying goes "it's nice to be asked".
in fact, it's just manners isn't it? Something the dd could be doing with learning a bit about...to add feathers to her maturity cap.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2014 12:39

If she is actually at your house when the party takes place you can't exclude her or take her on a day out. That would be simply awful. Or postpone the party till she is not staying at your house.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/07/2014 12:41

Sassy - I think you are absolutely right to say that your dsd should be invited to the party - I think it would be horribly hurtful for her if she weren't - and your dd needs to understand this.

As another poster has said, I do wonder whether she would actually want to go to the party, if she won't know anyone there - but she needs to be invited, and maybe there needs to be another option available for her and her dad and her sister - cinema, or a trip out for pizza.

diddl · 17/07/2014 12:42

In some ways I can see the daughter's point in that it is a party for her & the friends she has just left school with.

It sounds as if little/no effort would be made to make step daughter feel welcome/comfortable even if she wanted to go.

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 12:43

ask your dd how she would feel if the boot were on the other foot as it were.
tbh a 12 year old only into 'boys, make up,music' with zero empathy would worry me

grocklebox · 17/07/2014 12:44

You say: shes's your sister, you have to ask her. But what if your DD doesn't see her as her sister? She is there every other weekend and they are not friends, its all very well for you to have a blended family but you can't force relationships on the children that aren't there.

Everyone is looking at this from a adults perspective on fairness and happy families all together, but nobody is looking at it from a childs point of view. She's probably thinking: actually she isn't my sister, I don't have anything in common with her, she won't know anyone, and neither she or I will have fun.
Why do we expect things from children that we wouldn't put up with as adults? If your ma insisted you invite a not very close relative to your party, you'd tell her to stuff it!

VenusDeWillendorf · 17/07/2014 12:46

I think your dd should ask her step sisters, and let her step sisters decide if she wants to come to a party that's all about boys and music.

Step sis may not be interested, and then your DD can be as 'cool' as she likes without interference from her 'uncool' sisters! Win win.

yellowribbons · 17/07/2014 12:47

Just noticed it is an end of term party and not a birthday. Is your step daughter having a big end of term party too? Are the other children? Just wondering why one child would have this and not others.

squoosh · 17/07/2014 12:47

Grocklebox the 12 year old will be in the house as the party is going on, you seriously think it's acceptable to exclude her?

That's cold.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:47

But what if your DD doesn't see her as her sister? She is there every other weekend and they are not friends, its all very well for you to have a blended family but you can't force relationships on the children that aren't there.

No...but you can enforce manners and familial consideration, because without it, everything falls to shit.

MysteriousCircusZebra · 17/07/2014 12:47

Your dd should invite dsd, but I'd be worried that dsd would have a thoroughly rubbish time if she's not wanted . I'd offer her the choice of the party or going somewhere amazing with dad.

daphnehoneybutt · 17/07/2014 12:48

I can see DSD having a crap time at this party tbh, but she should still be invited maybe with another option or her dad taking her and her little sister out to pictures / dinner.

Itsfab · 17/07/2014 12:50

Maryz - you sending ds to a friend's for the evening is completely different to what the OP's DD is proposing. She sounds spoilt and spiteful and should not be telling people what to do.

I expect the DSD knows this child doesn't like it and probably already feels crap.

And being all about boys and make up at 12 is nothing to be proud of.

You sound quite sneery about your DSD, OP, so it is no wonder your DD is as she is.

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 12:51

Why do we expect things from children that we wouldn't put up with as adults? If your ma insisted you invite a not very close relative to your party, you'd tell her to stuff it!

Really? If you had a relative staying in your house on the night of a party, you'd tell someone to stuff it if they expected you to extend an invitation to your guest?
Besides which DSD is not a guest; she's in her home. And why should her presence stop DD having fun anyway? I remember having a party and my best friend's family had another family staying that weekend, so another girl I didn't know from Adam came along. If I'd started putting my parts on, my DM might well have told me that there'd be no parties until I could grow up and start thinking about other people.

chocolatemademefat · 17/07/2014 12:53

So DSD2 has to share her dad with your DD but she's not considered suitable for DD's cool friends? The fact that you're pandering to your DD in this way is awful. At twelve she's old enough to know she's not the only one with feelings and should perhaps be kinder to DSDs.

Rhine · 17/07/2014 12:53

I'd cancel if, if your "mature" DD can't actually be mature and show a bit of kindness towards her stepsister then she doesn't deserve to have a party. She sounds really spiteful and mean actually, wanting to exclude someone is fucking cruel.

WipsGlitter · 17/07/2014 12:53

Does DSD2 actually want to come? Have you asked her?

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 12:54

You sound quite sneery about your DSD, OP
doesn't she just?

sounds like my 'half sisters' attitude to me but luckily I am a lot older than they are. vile.

pictish · 17/07/2014 12:55

So DSD2 has to share her dad with your DD but she's not considered suitable for DD's cool friends?

Yup - that's about the measure of it.
Real nice.

BarbarianMum · 17/07/2014 12:56

Hell no. Don't invite her,think how much it'll upset your dd. Just confine her to the spare room for the duration. That'll teach her not to be so immature and embarrassing. [Hmm]

BubaMarra · 17/07/2014 12:56

Coughle
Op, your attitude does not sound genuinly friendly towards DSD and TBH your DD does not sound like a typical 12yo.

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 12:57

or even better why not phone her mum and tell her that the weekend with dad is cancelled?

freemanbatch · 17/07/2014 13:07

Did DD2 go to her older siblings parties or was it just them and their friends and your other children were elsewhere?

If your DD didn't go to her siblings parties then your error is not arranging something separate for your DSD to celebrate with her friends and arranging DD2's party for a weekend when DSD is with you. If your DD did go to her siblings parties than the only answer is that DSD is given the choice to attend or not I the same way as the other children.

This isn't a step child issue it's simply a question of whether siblings are always invited or not.

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