..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

[Sassyb0703]

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

So her dad only sees her eow, but wants to punish her for her behaviour at her mum's?

I think the issue is that it's a party to celebrate something that your DD2 and DSD are both experiencing. It really isn't the same as a birthday party.

But would you have found it weird to go to your friend's summer holidays party?

OP, I think you need to have a good look at where your DD gets her opinion/attitude from. If she had grown up for the last 7 years with DSD in her life seeing you treat them as equals, there would be no issue at all. The very fact that you are arranging a party for DD and not for them both jointly, on a weekend you knew she was due to be at yours, stinks TBH.
As for this business of your DD somehow being superior because she has grown up so quickly and is into boys etc - I have a 12 yo, the ones in her year who are like that are in a tiny tiny minority.

What is your DHs take on all this? In his shoes I would have spoken up as soon as the idea of a party for DD on that date was suggested.

Ok I'm just going to say it and be damned.

Apparently her father thinks it's just dandy for his dsd to throw a party while his same age dd is there, and to exclude her from it...even though she is only there two days out of fourteen. Where the Hell is his loyalty?

It makes me wonder exactly why she throws chairs through windows at her mum's, to be honest.

Sorry like - but that is what has occurred to me.

Hmm, I had not spotted your latest dripfeed update

her dad should not be punishing her for behaviour at her mothers. Backing her mum up, yes, expressing his disappointment, yes. But not punishing.
Am amazed that if DSD really does behave like that, then there have been no issues at your house with the happy sharing of room, toys and clothes. Also if DD is so well developed and ahead of DSD, surely they are not the same size and into the same style of clothes anyway?

One thing is clear. You appear to think of DSD as a guest, rather than a member of the family who is only there some of the time.

Think it's sad that your DD has left her childhood behind so quickly. No criticism of you OP, as every child is different, but my experience of 12 year olds is that they are more like your DSD.

It sounds as though, along with the boys and make-up, your DD is exhibiting selfish and stroppy teenage behavior. Time to [try to] nip it in the bud. No invite to DSD, no party.

Obfus Kate - it would not be weird to be invited to a joint party though would it? And even if it were not a joint party, it's only like inviting an adult friend to a do and giving them a "plus one" invitation, to make sure they have someone they know with them and don't feel the odd one out. It is perfectly normal for examples for siblings to be allowed to bring a friend of their own age/gender to a party for their siblings birthday - eg DD1 had a friend for a sleepover because DD2 was having a sleepover for her birthday.

Apparently her father thinks it's just dandy for his dsd to throw a party while his same age dd is there, and to exclude her from it...even though she is only there two days out of fourteen. Where the Hell is his loyalty

^ this surprised and saddened me too pictish

why the fuck would attending a party in your family home be a treat?

Nigella, I think you mean attending a party at which you aren't welcome?

I don't think any 12 year old is 'horrible'! Needs more information and teaching to develop a better attitude possibly, but don't we all at times.

There's a difference between siblings who live together and are secure in a family home and siblings where a child enters a home for a few days a fortnight and then leaves again. It's very easy to feel an add on, not a proper part of the family or home, and the fact they are both 12 makes this really difficult.

I can see where you are coming from OP with insisting, and I don't think you're being unreasonable to insist at all, but I would still not force both girls to do this under protest because one will resent it and her step sister and it would take a lot of character and maturity to not show it somehow in word or deed and make that step sister very unwelcome, and the other is at risk of having a miserable experience of being the babyish uncool one who has to be there because dd's mum made her. Poor kid. If your dh wants to see this behaviour get a whole lot worse, make her go to the party. Or don't provide her with an equally positive, special experience.

Being loved shouldn't be conditional, her behaviour is communicating something.

I tried to explain that my Dsd is very young for her age by giving example of different interests. this has come across poorly and it is clear I should be clearer on the situation. Firstly I love my Dsd2 to bits, she is at times kind, willing to join in and generally a very cheerful soul and a very funny drama queen.. however she is very very young for her age. This is not just the opinion of her wicked step mother but also drives all her siblings and df nuts. 6 weeks ago we went away together and when we left and were chatting with guest house owner she was genuinely surprised that Dsd 2 was not the young one, she was sure Dsd was younger than Dsd3. Her behaviour at home is appalling according to mum and eldest sister and brother. She still has massive tantrums so much so that mum has looked into to anger management. To be fair this doesn't happen so much when with us. Otoh dd2 is very grown up, not just the boys/make up thing but she does own laundry helps with housework and cooks supper once a week.

hmm well that kind of thing is hard enough to deal with as an adult let alone as a 12 year old.

I love my Dsd2 to bits
oh really? that's nice.

Well it seems that there's far bigger issues here than who gets invited to a party or which girl is into make up and boys and which one isn't.

Your DSD sounds like an unhappy and disturbed child who needs help. I would be more concerned about that than about parties.

YANBU to push for inviting her. If only because, if left unchecked, I can imagine your daughter becoming the sort of young adult who gets stroppy with housemates for having the temerity to enter the communal areas to obtain food and water or use the loo while festivities are in full swing. Yes, being one of eight children has got to be a headache at times, but the one advantage it gives each of them is a lot of practice at dealing with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to spend time with.

anyone would be unhappy and disturbed with a family like that

It does sound as if she's on the edge looking in.

willing to join in and generally a very cheerful soul and a very funny drama queen

Then it sounds as if she'll handle being at a party just fine.

she was genuinely surprised that Dsd 2 was not the young one, she was sure Dsd was younger than Dsd3

Does she really look as if she's 7 at the age of 12? I'm beginning to feel very sorry for this kid.

If your DH thinks she doesn't deserve a treat, does that mean that if he takes her out for the evening it's not to do something fun?
If she's better behaved at your house, it does seem harsh to punish her for something that happened earlier in the week at her Mum's. Presumably her Mum has punished her?

Surely there is no need to invite her... she is already there. Its her home and she can come and go as she pleases. She may prefer to spend time un her room or watching tv or may if offered like the idea of an evening out with her dad but if a party happens at home siblings dont need to be invited specifically, surely its just assumed they will be around and may or may not join in with festivities to varying degrees.