..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

[Sassyb0703]

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

OP I think you are getting an unfair flamming.

If you had posted "My DD is having a party this weekend and DSD is at ours. DD gets on OK with DSD but they have little in common, she does however always share her toys/room etc with her but just this once she wanted her "own" thing. She helps out at home doing laundry etc and it would be nice for her to have this one thing.

Is it unreasonable to ask DH to take DSD out for some time together? I think she might benefit from this as she's really unsettled at her DMs at the mo and is being horrible to her siblings. They could have a chat about this and some time together, while DD gets her own party. Does that sound ok?"

Maybe it's just me, I have no siblings but I think DSD not going isn't unreasonable!

Does she really need an invitation to a party at her home?

How uncharitable of your daughter to want to chuck her sister out for the evening to avoid having her at the party.

Different if the girl wants to go out and have daddy time, though.

To be honest, in my view, the fact that your dd is in to make up and boys in not really such a laudable thing in a child, as you seem to make it out as a main thing of pride about her character. You dont really like your dsd, she is just too different from your own child?

Op, it sounds as if you have alot on and things are very busy in your house. I am surprised at how many posters have said some really unpleasant, uncharitable things about a 12 year old girl while berating you for saying that your DSD is young for her age.

My Dd is 11, some of her 12 year old friends are very into boys and make up, others not so much. Most of them are a bit stroppy and hormonal and I would certainly not villify any of them for what is basically normal adolescent behaviour. I'm not saying your Dsd shouldn't be invited to the party I think that she should but I don't think it's THAT shocking that your Dd has taken this attitude. I don't have step siblings and neither does my Dd but I should imagine that sometimes that situation can be tricky and possibly annoying for all involved like normal family life (as well as happy and lovely too at other times!).

I feel a bit like RosiePosiePig, I had 2 brothers that were always arguing but who were generally nice to me. We did always have one another at each other's parties but I can imagine if I was prone to massive tantrums I might have cramped their style a bit at that age!

I can see this is difficult from all sides.

Can't see why some people have been so critical of the OP. OP is enforcing the right thing being done here, by insisting DSD attends the party.

perhaps it was the lovely comparison between the two girls that got people's backs up

Or maybe it's because people are struggling to step back and see what us important or not. When I read the OP I only saw that they were very different. I didn't read that the OP was critical of one or the other.
I also read that the OP wants to do exactly what all the posters said she needed to do but sheeting got a bollocking for doing something she wasn't doing

Well, to a lot of posters there was a definite note of almost derision in the way she described the SD, and a certain pride in the way she spoke of her own DD.

Meant to add, that would have got people's backs up anyhow, but the fact that the pride seemed somewhat misplaced probably exacerbated people's reactions.

DD said 'she just feels that she wants this to herself as Dsd does not know any of her mates, and she would have to spend the whole time looking out for her as she is not the kind of girl who would feel comfortable if her party guests look lonely.'

Op, your DD sounds rather nice. It's a difficult situation.

If both girls lived with you all the time, then depending on the family, they'd either always attend each other's parties or not - either way would be fine. Different families do things differently.

However, DSD is only at her dad's 2 out of 14 days. It's obviously important for her to feel secure and welcome.

Given your DP's unhelpful attitude, I wonder if a nice bowling night out with him might backfire?

No easy answer. Think I'd go with inviting DSD plus her neighbourhood friend to the party.

FWIW, I think you're doing phenomenally well - juggling 8 children can't possibly be easy. Is your DP usually so unsympathetic to his 4?

Nigellasdealer dont hold back!!!

I do feel very sad for a girl that has to see dad every other weekend, then will inevitably pick up that there is a party and she is not wanted

Being that age is pretty pants and I cant see this situation will make her feel very good about herself

thank you to the last few posters who have managed to taake a step back and consider the situation rather than look for an opportunity to flame me. I was looking for genuine adult opinions on the situation as I had taken a stand that Dsd 2 must be invited and dd was angry about it. I apologise if it came across as unfavourable comparison between the two, but it's difficult to explain the difference without meeting them, however I want to assure everyone that I do not favour my dc against dsc when they are here. In fact if anything I tend to be a bit harder on my own when they are all together just because I am more comfortable disciplining my own children and feel that this is dh and ex wife's job with their children. I also think everyone who has decried my dd because she has discovered boys (not in any other way than realising they can be friends too ) and liking make up is a little unfair. What I was trying to express that there is absolutely no getting away from the fact that these two are incredibly different people. Dd is not at all selfish (neither is Dsd2) it's just that she really wanted this one thing for herself and if Dsd2 is there on her own she will feel obligated to look after her rather than hang out with her mates, it is simply not in her character to ignore her. Dd is mature for her age as she has had to be as I have been unwell and she has done a lot of looking after herself recently and her dSIS is 18 so obviously a lot older influence around her, it's not an opinion its just fact. it doesn't make her a better or worse child just different. There are downsides too. She has grown up fast and is more detached from me wheras Dsd2 will still sit in my lap for a cuddle. So no, I didn't mean dd maturity was fantasticly better. Just poles apart from her dsis. Anyway, dd is home from school, she has calmed down and we have had a chat and she realizes that because Dsd2 is here she must invite her. I have asked the neighbours daughter to join in, who also knows no one except dd and Dsd.Dd thinks this is a good idea. To those who have called us cunts and twats etc, I leave you with this. Of my 4 dsc 2 moved in with us by the age of 14 as soon as they were allowed to make their own choices. now at Uni and work they divide their time 75/25 with us and mum. So we probably aren't all that awful.

I'm going against the grain here.

The parents of twins make a huge effort to make sure their children are treated as individuals, encouraged to make their own friends, have their own special occasions, etc.

In this case the DSD has all of her 'own' things at her DM's house, and share things at her DF's house.

The DD on the other hand doesn't have any of her own things. Whatever she has, she shares with her DSD whenever they are there.

I don't think its unreasonable for her to have her 'own' party with her own school friends. Her DSD is NOT a school friend, she goes to a completely different school. If they had gone to the same school this would be a very different situation.

The timing, however, is unfortunate because it will be on a weekend when DSD is there, but that's just the way it is.

I don't think it's wrong for your DD to have something just for herself occasionally. All children need to.

In fact I would recommend you trying to find a way of making sure your DD has her own room that she doesn't have to share with her DSDs if at all possible, obviously DSD will need some space too though. Hard to afford somewhere with enough rooms for everyone to have space though.

I hear you OP< it does sounds like an unfortunate schedukling cklasdh rather than any malice

I think people have sensitivities from their own lives and childhood they bring to bear

Agree with Hayday.
You can't at the same time say that step siblings should be treated as full time family member with no difference. And then say that if something happens during ewo then dsd should have a preferential treatment.

It certainly isn't common where I live to have siblings always taking part to their db or dsis party, esp when they are teenagers. On the contrary, they are usually very keen in doing separate things and have their own friends.

So a child the same age as the party goers is in the house and you tell them 'no you can't go out and join them'?.

It's not the same as telling a 6 year old sibling that they can't join the older kids.

I don't think it's outrageous behaviour not to want her there, I can remember my sister who was 2 years older than me being totally embarrassed by me and she would have made a fuss if I went too!

But I still went, and was embarrassing.

I would ask her, if it was me as it's such a big party. Possibly let her bring one friend so she isn't a pain in the arse for her older sister.

I have already said, Dsd will be invited there was never a time that I would allow a party at our home for one 12yr old and actively exclude the other . I was simply asking if I was being unreasonable to insist and putting dd argument forward which boils down to dd feeling that she would for once like to do something 'just hers, with her friends and not sharing it with others '. Normally I would only agree to this on a non contact weekend but this time it's not possible. As for Dsd refusing the invite, hell would freeze over before that happens, she loves attention and this maybe one of issues with the current behaviour issues, but that is for her dm and df to deal with...as I tried to explain in the beginning Dsd is no retiring flower, she is a full on chair throwing, tantrums pulling, funny, affectionate very young drama queen. If she were to go to the party with out knowing anyone but dd and felt lonely or upset she wouldn't hesitate to pull a stunt to get required attention and dd would be really embarrassed. As it goes the inclusion of neighbours daughter should prevent this.

I'm confused. This is a blended family yes? So step kids have two houses. Mum and partner, dad and partner (u).

Why is she being "invited"? It's her home too. One thing if you picked a date not on a visitation. But if it is, she's just home, thus takes part in any event in house. Like er every other sibling in the land. I don't get this description.

Secondly if she's been naughty, then yes maybe she can't go. But that's seperate.

they aren't actually siblings though. When everyone feels like that, its great. But you can't make them feel like that. Why can't people understand the difference?

Oh we do grockle but like Pickle points out, it's dsd home too, so tough shit.

Not necessarily. Again its persepctive, she may well not feel like its her home when she spends 2 days out of 14 there (would you?) and the DD migth not feel like its her home either, thats shes just a visitor.

I'm not commenting on the rights or wrongs here, merely pointing out that the assumptions made by adults about "blended families" are often not shared by the children involved at all.

OP, I have a 12 and 10 year old. I have learned it is much easier when they both have friends over. Are DSD and neighbour good friends? Good enough friends that they will be satisfied with each other's company, and leave the others alone at least some of the time?
In our case, my DDs will play separately with their own friends for some of the time, and all play together for a while too.

Very true.