..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

[Sassyb0703]

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

all children can be 'horrid' but it is up to parents to put a stop to it not encourage it

I think most people got the point of your OP.

But both yours and your DD's attitude towards your DSD came across loud and clear.

Personally I'd have cancelled the party rather than have to insist that an invitation is given to DSD who will be staying at your house on the day/night of the party, while it's actually going on.

I stand by what I said previously, I think your DSD would be better off going out with her dad and leave your DD to it.

Of course she has to invite her.

My answer would be very different if the children were of wildly different ages, but you are talking about two girls of the same age. I can't believe you have to ask.

I really don't understand why this was framed as the OP's DD's party in the first place. I'd have said that you were having an end of term party at your house and all the kids could invite a certain number of friends. It is, after all, the end of term for everyone. You could let the 12 year olds have more invitations each than the 8 year old and everything would be fine.

I agree with this (and the others who have asked why it is "DD"'s party rather than a joint one). It is fair enough to point out that the DSD gets to have parties at her mum's, to which your DD is not invited, and I'd never suggest that your DSD has to be invited to all of DD's social events or activities, not in the slightest.

But a party at her own house with kids of her age at a time when she is there, in recognition of a landmark which she is also experiencing? Bloody hell.

Leaving the whole party thing aside, you do come across as if your very admiring of the fact that your dd is all about boys and make up at 12 years of age; and a bit despising of the fact that dsd still giggles if a strange boy speaks to her. If that attitude is coming across to your daughter, then she's just going to continue to have a belittling attitude towards dsd.

you're very admiring I meant (before the grammar police come after me).

yes the private schools have already been off for a few weeks now.
maybe the private/state thing is an 'issue' in OP's house from the tone of her post.

Her argument is that she didn't choose to have step sisters and most of the time it's fine, but she doesn't feel she should be obligated just because I married her dad...
I have absolutely zero patience for the "poor stepkids, they never asked to get a step-parent/half-siblings/step-siblings" line when it comes from adults, and none for it from a 12 year-old either.

I am fairly sure I probably complained this way about my own younger sister, whose conception I had no input into. But if I said to my mum, "I didn't choose to have Littlegrl, and I shouldn't be obligated to treat her nicely just because you married and had kids with dad!" - she'd have put a quick end to that.

I think that your DD has a pretty reasonable argument and insisting on inviting your DSD may well ruin her experience of the party. It is a shame not to be able to move the party to avoid this problem.

Obviously the sensible thing to do is to have this party next weekend. Dd only asked about it ten days ago, and because I have been in hospital for a month and Dd1 has been looking after her , I felt guilt tripped into agreeing !. Dsd2 broke up three weeks ago and every friend I have tried to invite is on holiday already. By next weekend majority of dd friends will be gone also. This is the only weekend suitable. Dh agrees that his dd2 should not go as this is my dd2 party and she should be allowed something for herself. so not getting a lot of back up there. His opinion is also skewed because same Dsd is no Angel and so far this week has put a chair through a glass door in a fit of anger (at her mums house) and chopped all the hair off her younger sisters dolls because she wore her leggings...he feels she doesn't deserve any treats this week..!

I amazed at pp who always have siblings at their dcs party... Where I am, children have a party and do lungs might it might not be invited/present.
Of course it doesn't mean that the sibling is asked to hide in their bedroom for the whole time. Just that they are expected to 'mingle'.

I'm wondering what the other siblings are expected to do. One dd's is younger and my understanding is that the OP has other children herself. What are they suppose to do?
As far as I'm concerned, the same rule should apply to everyone.

I don't see why that would be an issue. It might mean that more of the DSD's friends are on holiday with their families , but it isn't really a barrier to her also being involved in the end of term party.

DS2's birthday is in august. We have his birthday party in early September when the schools are back because he would prefer that his friends can come. It doesn't make it any less his birthday party even though it's going to be nearly 3 weeks after his actual birthday. In the same way, you can still celebrate the end of the school year a couple of weeks late.

Sorry that they are NOT expected to miggle be in the way during the whole event.

And I do have to agree OP (sorry) that your disdain towards your dsd, when comparing the two girls, does come across quite clearly. That is why people are being so blunt with you.
Boys and make-up my backside. So what? It's not a competition, so don't make it one. Your dd is not some sort of superior being that is justified in being rude, because she's peaked early.

The stepsister has to be invited. Can you imagine how you would feel if you were her and told to stay away from the party? The party which is in her house?

You absolutely have to let Dsd know she is welcome at that party, if she doesn't want to go and would rather do something else by all means thats fine but she shouldn't need an invite.

So the dsd that your dd is sharing a room/clothes/toys with is also a real hmmm handful?
Does she have the same behaviour at your house/with your dd by any chance too?

I agree with brdgrl. I didn't have any choice over whether I had a sister or not, so my parents wouldn't have had any sympathy for the 'I didn't choose it' line of argument. My sister was a complete pain in the arse throughout my childhood and I was still required to 'look after her' and include her in things (even though she alienated all the other kids).

Living with circumstances not of our own choosing is, frankly, a fact of life and everyone just has to get used to it.

The whole point surely is that it is going on at her parents house whilst she is there

My kids didn't always have to attend each others parties.

But it was their choice.

You seem to be bringing in some highly relevant information in your last post. How come in your first post you described your DSD as some childish little innocent and now suddenly she's throwing chairs through doors and defacing her sister's dolls?

I would feel the same if I was asked to stay away than when I was asked to stay away from my siblings having a party/friends over. That it's his party not mine. And that the same would apply when I have my own friends over. In which I didn't want him in the way either!

I think the step child issue and the make up whatever are side issues. It should be treated as 'here are two siblings with similar age. Do they have to share everything incl parties when they don't have the same friends'
That's it.
In my house, no they don't have to share everything.

oh right so for you onedreamonly it would be perfectly OK for one sister to be told to make herself scarce while the other has a big party in the garden?
nice.

calamitous your exams is exactly the reason why I wouldn't force my dcs to have a sibling at a party they've organised!!!

coruskate they are 12 not 29 or whatever you and your partner are!!

OneDream, I do actually agree with you to a point. Siblings, especially of different ages, should not be automatically included in every event.

DSD and DSS are very close in age, and also get on very well together. I still feel that they are entitled to some privacy when their respective friends are around, and they have separate birthday parties, at which the sibling would sometimes hang about for part of the time before leaving the 'party kid' and guests to themselves.

DD is fifteen years younger than DSD. I do not expect or invite DSD to be included in DD's parties/playdates, and DD is not included in DSD or DSS's parties and activities.

But in this case, the girls are the same age, the event is not one unique to one child, and there is no sense of reciprocity (its not a case of DD having a birthday party today, and DSD having one later, in other words).