..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

[Sassyb0703]

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

Of course she should be invited to join in.

Will she want to though?

What about your other three kids-invited or not & your younger stepdaughter?

Agree with all of the above. But - speaking as a step-sibling myself - I suspect that what's being acted out here is a whole heap of resentment about the situation, sharing you, having step-siblings at all, etc etc.

So while you do need to stamp on the behaviour right now as everyone has said, when the party is over, it might be worth spending some time finding out what's going on for her and how she feels.

Her sisters are family. They don't need invitations, they will just be there. Why would it even be up for debate? You don't get to choose your family, and you also don't get to exclude them. Fair enough that the 8yo comes for a little while and is then removed, but the 12yo has every right to be there and your DD should not be able to even suggest otherwise IMO.

(BTW your DSD sounds much more like the kind of 12yo I know than your DD, single sex school or not.)

Just as an aside - being shy around boys, especially if you go to a single-sex school - does not mean that you are immature, especially at the age of 12. Seems much more immature to me to believe that you can only be acceptable to your peer group if you want to bang on about boys and makeup all the time.

While I think that your DD's attitude stinks, I'm curious as to why your DSD goes to a private school while your DD goes state - it's clearly not 'one set of rules for everyone' in your set up, so can you really blame her for taking that to an extreme?

I wouldn't be impressed with dd's attitude at all, would make that clear to her and think there was some major work for the adults to do in building the relationship between them and as a blended family as a whole. But that's a long term goal and equally I would not inflict that party on Dsd who if she attends is going to have a thoroughly miserable experience in every way. Please don't put that poor child in that situation where your dd has been forced to have her and she will be left to feel thoroughly in the way, wrong and unwanted even if the other children are mature enough not to let it slip in word and deed as dd will have told her friends exactly what to think about dsd and how silly she is. And at 12, I'd be surprised if they're able to do that. That's the kind of social experience that does major damage to a pre teen.

I would get dh or even better yourself to take dsd out by herself for something special that is just for parent and her that evening, something she would really enjoy, and make it clear to dd that she is not being 'got out of dd's way', she is being protected from an attitude you are not pleased with. If it's an activity that dd would have enjoyed, then so much the better.

Ok one question, imagine your dd actually has twin sitter or a very close sister (about 12 months difference. They are in the same year at school) and your dd wants a party with friends but doesn't want her sibling there.
What would you do?

I've personally never forced my dcs to have their siblings at their parties and can see how, as they becoming teenagers, they might actually want NOT to have the other there. I we would have a discussion on how they might appreciate it when Their sibling is doing the same for them and how it can be hard to be pushed aside. But I wouldn't force them iyswim. The same that my friends with twins wouldn't force one twin to have the other there 'just because they are siblings/are in the same year'. The answer would be more of a 'organise your own party/have your friends over'.
On the other side, we are actually talking about a step sister who might feel really pushed away by it.

I think it depends on how settle the dsd is in your own family and how important that 'party' is for her. Esp if she has rely different interests anyway b

Agree with everyone else...if your dsd is going to be there anyway, to exclude her would be despicable. I don't care how 'mature' you reckon your dd is, with her boys and make up...she is not actually all that 'typical' of 12 yr old girls, who all grow up at different rates, and it is no basis to support being so mean spirited.

In fact... I would go as far as to say your dd is displaying how immature she actually is, by showing such intolerance and being so selfish. She is not equipped to make this decision at all.

Your dd sounds very unpleasant and ^extremely^ immature for a 12 yo tbh.

Yabu btw

Is DSD's name Cinderella?

Hmmm. I don't remember the bit where Cinderella got a private education... Theres clearly an issue of parity of esteem/opportunity going on here. If I was the DD I'd be pissed off too (even though I wouldn't exclude the DSD, I'd be ultra nice to her just to make my point).

YANBU. You cannot possibly exclude dsd, it would be cruel.

LOL Herc. Yes, there are clearly issues of parity and the OP's DD may well be kicking against a (real or perceived) unfairness, but that doesn't make it reasonable for her to be allowed to exclude her sister from her party. Two wrongs, and all that.

Who knows why DSD is in private school. Her grandmother might pay for it. I don't think it should be a consideration here.

The schooling is neither here nor there, I agree.

I guess I am the only one who thinks OP is BU? I don't think you can force siblings to be involved in each other's social lives really. Family events are different but this sounds like an end of term party for DD and her friends, why should she invite anyone she doesn't want to?

I don't know - like you I'd be upset with your DD attitude.

Every party bar one - my DC have their siblings there.

The bar one was a girls 8 year old party - we thought DS wouldn't be to happy. DS was taken out by GP and spoit rotten - younger DD2 went to party and was spoilt rotten by the older girls.

Could you offer DSD something amazing to do with her DAD - so it's less shipped out more this is something fun to do. I only suggest that because if you insist is it going to be DSD who is left out and ends up not having fun? Though that then sends message to your DD that it's ok I guess - which you don't want.

YANBU to inisist though you'd have to keep an eye how DSD is treated at the party.

Who knows why DSD is in private school. Her grandmother might pay for it. I don't think it should be a consideration here.

And given they have been a blended family for 7 years, and DD is 12 then I assume the decision over where to educate was already made.

Because the circumstances are that the dsd is going to be there at the time of the party, and to exclude her from a party happening in her own father's house, to the point she is expected to leave the premises like a second class member of the family would be revolting?
Something like that?

Firstly I would say your own daughter actually sounds far more immature than your step daughter - I also agree with others that the boys and make up thing is really not typical at age 12.

I am a foster carer and therefore have quite a bit of experience with children this age. The rule has always been that if there is a party here everyone is invited, they may chose not to stay long, but they would never be excluded by being "taken out". If it felt awkward for them then bringing one of their own friends along may help. Also up to the party giver to introduce people and try their best to make them feel comfortable. Of course the children I am talking about are not related, may only be together for a short while, but while they live here they are family, and I would never have any of them excluded. But that's just the way we work it.

For me the worst thing about this situation is why would you even have to ask us this question?

I just can't believe you had to. Honestly.

Oh just also wanted to add, if the child holding the party refused to have one of the other children there, there would be no party.

I've never liked mixing different groups of friends together, or mixing friends and family. If the party is just school friends, then I think it is awkward to add one child who doesn't know anyone else and it will probably not be enjoyable for your DD or DSD.