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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to insist dd invites Dsd to party.

216 replies

Sassyb0703 · 17/07/2014 11:20

dd 2 is having a big end of term party tomorrow. The deal is huge tent in the garden, I provide pasta/sauce supper they bring own snacks and entertain themselves. Have done this a couple of times for older dc and all gone well.. The problem I need advice about is as follows. We are a large family, I have 4dc Dh has 4. He has his eow (just the youngest 2 now as folders are late teens and visit/stay when they want). Dd who is having party is 12yrs .Dsd 2 who is with us for the weekend is also 12yrs. Her younger sister Dsd 3 is 8yrs. I have insisted that Dd2 invites Dsd2 to join in. Dd2 is furious. She says she won't know any of her friends, besides 'she is so babyish and uncool' She also points out that Dsd is her step sis and not her mate and they have nothing in common. In dd2 defence I do see they are very different. Dd is a typical 12yr old goes to excellent large state comprehensive, has much older siblings and has matured faster.. Dsd2 goes to single sex small private school and hangs out with her younger sister. Dd is all about boys, make up music, Dsd gets the giggles if a boy who isn't her brother talks to her. Dd wants my DH to take his girls out for evening rather than force her to be at the party. We have been a joined family for 7 yrs and these two get on fine, but will never be close friends. Aibu to say she is your sister invite her !! ?

OP posts:

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 17/07/2014 13:08

AIBU to be furious my DD was excluded?

I have four children with my ex husband. The youngest two are age 12 (Ill call Clare) and 8 and go EOW to stay with their father, the older ones go over as and when.

ExH lives with his new wife and her 4 children. She has a daughter (Ill call Sarah) who is also 12. ExH and new wife have been together 7 years so the kids know each other well.

Last week Sarah had a big end of term party for her friends. A large casual affair apparently with lots of attendees. Clare and my youngest were due to visit for the weekend. Clare was really excited about the idea of the party and getting to meet more of Sarahs friends. But she wasnt allowed to go. Apparently Sarah insisted that not only could Clare not attend, that ExH had to take Clare out of the house so she wouldnt try! So ExH took Clare and our youngest to MacDonalds until the party was over! Clare was naturally really upset to be excluded and when she asked Sarah why, she was told that she was so babyish and uncool, that she wasnt her mate and that she wasnt welcome and that as it was her party, she could pick who attended.

Needless to say Clare has come home really upset. I think shes tried to put a brave face on for her dad but she is totally gutted. Not just about the party per se but being excluded by a girl she considered her sister, and that her father enabled this by turfing her out of the place she considered her second home just to pacify Sarah. Im furious at how Clare has been treated, its a huge slap in the face from her father and his step family. Clare and my other children are clearly second class citizens in their fathers home. Clare now doesnt want to go back to her fathers house she feels hurt and humiliated and I dont blame her. Our youngest is close to Clare is also upset that she is upset and says she wont go to her dads house if Clare doesnt. WIBU to phone him up and tear him a new one about the way he has treated our daughter?

littlepeas · 17/07/2014 13:08

I think they will pick in dsd if she goes to the party. Personally I think I would cancel the party, due to appalling attitude of dd.

Bursarymum · 17/07/2014 13:09

YANBU - children should all be taught that sometimes the right thing to do is something they might not want to in the interests of being kind and unselfish.

HaroldLloyd · 17/07/2014 13:11

I absolutely think she should be asked, along with any other siblings.

Bogeyface · 17/07/2014 13:13

I would cancel too.

Your DD sounds like a brat who doesnt deserve such a treat. And as a pp said, there is a good chance she will get her friends to treat DSD badly too if she is there.

Cancel it. Its a life lesson in how to treat people that your DD desperately needs to learn.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/07/2014 13:13

Ocado that was well done and sums up the situation perfectly.

Is DSD getting an end of term party? Why not?

Original poster

Sassyb0703 · 17/07/2014 13:15

Ok guys, some of you are so eager to flame anyone on any thread about any topic, you sometimes don't actually read the question. I was asking if I was bu to insist my Dsd be invited...and yes I have had a massive go at Dd about her attitude and have already told her that if she isn't kind and gracious then the whole thing is off. Dd got massive hump as I left her at bus stop this morning, stating that she just wants something for herself. That Dsd has her own parties at mums house and she has never been invited, that she always shares everything with her step sisters, from her bedroom to her toys (I have obviously given a bad impression but on normal access weekends she wouldn't blink at sharing toys/clothes/books etc) she just feels that she wants this to herself as Dsd does not know any of her mates, and she would have to spend the whole time looking out for her as she is not the kind of girl who would feel comfortable if her party guests look lonely.. Her argument is that she didn't choose to have step sisters and most of the time it's fine, but she doesn't feel she should be obligated just because I married her dad....Her other argument is that Dsd come to visit their dad, and she knows they enjoy and don't always get sufficient 'alone' time with him. So this could be an opportunity to do it. I have thought of a compromise firstly an invitation is non negotiable , I will also invite a neighbours daughter who gets on well with Dsd so that if she wants to go, then will have a friend there that she knows and likes. I will also offer the bowling/dinner out with dh option and leave it up to Dsd .

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 17/07/2014 13:15

Oh and I have a 12 year old who is far more like your DSD, as are her friends. She is the normal one in this scenario.

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 13:16

good point hearts...
why do all the children of the house not get an end of term party anyway.
is it because DD has actually picked up her attitude from her mum?

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 13:17

Just out of interest what does your DP think about it? I'd be pretty furious if my DSD started announcing what she expected me to do for the evening in order to exclude my daughter from a party.

diddl · 17/07/2014 13:18

"That Dsd has her own parties at mums house and she has never been invited"

The difference being I assume, that your daughter isn't visiting a parent at the time!

Bogeyface · 17/07/2014 13:20

If her argument about DSD having parties at her mums and her not being invited is true, and it would be fair enough, why not just have the party on a weekend when they are at their mums?

Seems a bit ridiculous to have all this fuss when you could just say "Ok, we will have it next weekend then".

NigellasDealer · 17/07/2014 13:22

that would not give the opportunity for all the drama bogey

HercShipwright · 17/07/2014 13:22

Because the end of term is presumably this weekend. For the DD's school.

pinkbraces · 17/07/2014 13:24

I'm normally more a lurker than a poster but this has made me irrationally angry!

So, your family consists of 8 DC in total, 2 of which are the same age and same sex and you are having an end of term party for only one of them. I cant really get past this to be honest.

I have a DD and DSD who are close in age and I couldn't imagine doing this, its so wrong.

Of course your DSD should be invited and so should some of her friends and they can all celebrate end of term. I'm not sure why its relevant what parties she has at her mums house.

If your DD really didn't want her to share the fun why do it on a weekend she is with you?

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 13:24

I get your point OP and, even as an adult, I hate having to mix different groups of friends and dilute the dynamic.

But I really think where you gave a bad impression in your first post was in your implication that DSD was somehow immature or a bit of a drip while your DD was cool and a more typical 12 year old. Like some other posters I actually think your DSD sounds more typical of a 12 year old and I just wonder if your attitude or your DD's comes across to her.

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 13:25

It was always clear that you were asking if you were right to insist that DSD be invited. But your defence of your DD's attitudes towards your 'babyish, uncool' DSD suggested that you thought she had a point.

CalamitouslyWrong · 17/07/2014 13:26

I really don't understand why this was framed as the OP's DD's party in the first place. I'd have said that you were having an end of term party at your house and all the kids could invite a certain number of friends. It is, after all, the end of term for everyone. You could let the 12 year olds have more invitations each than the 8 year old and everything would be fine.

If the OP had done that, then there'd be none of this 'it's my party; I decide who's coming' nonsense from her DD.

BarbarianMum · 17/07/2014 13:26

OK that makes your dd's position clearer but yes she still has to invite her. Maybe she'd rather go out with her dad but that should be her choice.

In future, if your dd wants her own party,this needs to be when your husband's children are not visiting.

CalamitouslyWrong · 17/07/2014 13:29

The thing about being part of a large family (blended or otherwise) is that it's hard to get something just for yourself. In a family of 8 that will always be tricky. It doesn't make it ok to stamp your feet over a party so as to make your stepsister feel unwelcome.

The not feeling she gets enough time to herself (with you on her own?) is something to sort out entirely separately.

marne2 · 17/07/2014 13:30

Your dd sounds horrid ( sorry ), if your dsd is at your house anyway then it would be wrong not to invite her, think how upset she will be when told she can't come. If she wasn't over that day then there would be no need for her to even know about the party, I don't think your dd is considering her step sisters feelings, I would tell her that dsd is coming over so she will be at the party wether she likes it or not. Maybe dsd won't want to join in with your dd and her 'cool friends' anyway.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 17/07/2014 13:31

It must be hard work OP, having two large families to balance, it sounds like you are doing your best.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 17/07/2014 13:31

I don't think your DD sounds horrid, btw, she's just 12.

Purpleroxy · 17/07/2014 13:31

I think it's rude not to invite dsd. If 12yo dsd gets on with her 8yo sister, why not invite both so they can talk together rather than dsd 12yo feeling she is the outsider.

Your dd sounds like she doesn't like dsd and perhaps dsd doesn't like dd and will not want to come anyway. But at least the invite is there.

pictish · 17/07/2014 13:32

Regardless, the situation is that your 12 yr old dsd is going to be present while your 12 yr old dd throws a party for her 12 yr old mates, in your dsd's father's home.
Those are the circumstances, and whether it is fair or not, those are what you/she are going to have to deal with and incorporate.

It would have been infintely more sensible to throw the bash while your dsd was weekending with her mother, rather than organise it for when she is with you, and expecting her to disappear for your dd's convenience.

I understand where your dd is coming from...she's right...this relationship such as it is, has been forced on her by your choice to pair up with your husband and blend your families...but that's how it is now, and that's not going to change. If your dsd is only there EOW then your dd has plenty of opportunity for it to be all about her, and her 'own thing'. His daughters are only there 2 days out of 14.

If she throws a party in her step father's house, while his daughter is present, it is not reasonable to exclude her.

Either postpone or suck it up.

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