Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

You should both aim to be left with the same left over each month for personal spending. You are being greedy if you want £400 and you want your DH to have less.

Sorry, that should read 150.000 per year.

How much free spend is he left with? But yes, it does seem like you were happy to share his money but not yours.

And h and I both have separate accounts so I'm not of the belief that all money goes into "one pot". God I hate that phrase for some reason!

Am I being thick? Why can't you just split the difference so you both have £300 a month after bills? Then contribute to holidays, days out equally.

You're right though he shouldn't have been such a twat about money all those years but what can you do about it now?

You are earning more than him so surely you should be paying more if you don't have equal amount of spare money?

Sorry everyone, I have not been clear...my fault.

My dh earns one hundred and fifty thousand pounds per year.

He will not be left with 400 per month after his share of the bills.

What?!!! £150k a year?

He's being a total prick!

Does your dh have his own account, or just the joint one?

If your DH earns 150k a year why the fuck are you going out to work???

As dh is quite senior and wealthy......

I will be working in a "regular" job.

According to dh's calculations I will be left with 400 per month.

This means that really I won't be financially independent at all.

I won't have enough to save towards our family holidays, I won't be able to clothe myself for work and contribute to evenings out, pay for birthdays.

Effectively, dh will still be in control of everything.

This is my opinion ^^

What do you think?

How much will he be left with after everything's paid?

Why is he being a prick? Surely as the op is earning then both should contribute to expenses. She has said herself he will continue to pay for things, so she won't be left short.

My h earns a 6 figure sum but I still contribute to the bills. And I'm also left with less free spend than he is, on paper.

On his wage you can easily be a sahm so I find it amusing he is moaning about you spending some of his vast amount of money!

I also think it's a joke he still making snide comments about you having a measly 400 pound a month to yourself! I tell him to fuck off! some men are just arseholes, he just resents having to support you. I would tell him to be alone if he wants all his money to himself...

I agree with your opinion. What is his reasoning for this?

I don't really understand. DH worked and you shared his income as a family.

Now you will both be earning and you want to pay half each for household expenses and keep what is left? Or do you want all your wage for you and DH to keep paying all the household expenses?

So now people are asking why she works if her h earns well?? Have I stepped back in time?

I want to be independent.

We have a joint account

DH pays all the bills, he is very generous but always when we argue money comes up.
I'm tired of it.
I want to be independent but can't afford to pay halve.

I've opened my own separate account and told dh that i want to take my name of the joint account but it seems like, even though I'm trying to do the right thing it's not good enough as now I'm still greedy because I want to be left with more than 400 per month and why should he have to pay everything?

I don't think he's trying to control, but maybe you've not had such a handle on how the finances share out over recent years?
I say this because it's true of my situation.
I used to support DH about 15 years ago when we first got together. I was working, he was not.
I was earning a good wage, so if we went out for meals, I'd pay, and he'd drive.
When he started working we opened a joint a/c and both put a set amount in (worked out to be an equal share of all household expenses).
In recent years I've left my job and am mainly a SAHP (with a few days out for college, which I'm funding myself from savings).
Now he pays for everything.
I'm looking to find a p/t job later this year so will have to revisit exactly what our outgoings are and how much I will need to contribute. I suspect I'll be lucky to have £10 at the end of a week left.

Just a joke Nicknacky

He's being an absolute prick.

You should both be left with the same amount of spending money. Anything less is completely unreasonable.

I'm surprised you've put up with his financial abuse for 15 years.

I am a sahm and dh pays all of his wage into the joint account to pay bills. We split whatever is left over equally.

Sorry you're complaining about only having £400 left at the end of the month to save for a holiday, buy clothes for work?! Wow. £400 is probably my clothes budget for both me and DD6 over a whole year!

Clearly DH will be left with £1000's a month but OP will be left with £400. No doubt he will still bitch and moan if she has to spend "his" money.

The financial balance will be totally unequal. How is this fair?

I will take home 1700, we sat down to talk about how much i should contribute and we got up to 1300 and I said, this is to much, I won't be left in a good position, I will still effectively be reliant on you.

Dh blew up and said I was being greedy and that I should just tell him how much I am prepared to contribute and do whatever I liked with the rest.

It makes me feel very unhappy that nothing I do seems to be good enough.

Of course you can be financially independent with £400 disposable income per month! Some people only have that much for the whole family, without your husband's additional income! You can easily afford clothes etc from that. If your husband wants fancy holidays, that's up to him to pay for everyone- most people can't afford these anyway so make do with camping or visiting relatives, and if he wants you to live only off your income, then that's what your family will have to do, like everyone else. If he wants a lifestyle in line with his income then he subsidises it rather than demanding you should on a more normal wage! (However, he should also be paying household expenses in line with a proportion of his income, rather than you both paying the same, ffs).

citruslemon, if your DH is also earning £150,000 then I might be able to see some validation in your comment. Even then, that doesn't mean the OPs case is any fairer.