Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

Is that 400 after petrol/food/lunches etc? As in 400 to do what you want?

It's the inequality.

You should both pay into the joint account. Once bills are paid whatever is left should be split equally.

Citruslemon. What on earth has YOUR clothes budget or lack of got to do with the OP's situation? Presumably you think she should think herself lucky to have it while he lords around on his £1000's available spending money? Do you really not see the problem here?

TBH, I don't really get the "how much of the bills should I pay"

You are still a family but now with more income.

Why don't bills just carry on being paid from the joint account, you save some of yours & spend some?

I really don't know on thus one. Will that be £400 a month on top of what you already have access to? If so then thats quite a lot.

Im a bit confused though. He earns shed loads of money so surely his money covers all bills etc?

Why cancel the joint account? Was that your idea? Does he control finances?

Firmly on the fence here

Because he watches and comments on what she spends diddl. In effect OP you are like a child of the family. You've taken a job to get out of that situation but he is now applying conditions that keep you in that situation.

He beings up money whenever they argue.

Look, I'm not saying I'm destitute and I realise 400 euros a month is a lot of money...I'll be working damned hard for it.

We go out to dinner regularly, I won't be able to go or dh will have to pay. This is not what I went back to work for, I want to pay my share.
I will have to ask to buy things for the dc, i'm also relinquishing the credit card.
I'll be giving 75% of my salary towards the bills, relinquishing my access to to our joint account whilst dh will have approx 2.5 per month left over not including bonus.

Dh blew up and said I was being greedy and that I should just tell him how much I am prepared to contribute and do whatever I liked with the rest

To be fair it does sound like he can't win.

You can't contribute equally and expect to have the same disposable income when there's such a disparity between what you earn.

I see his point- you do just need to tell him how much you'd be happy to contribute or, a better idea, pool everything.

You'll both be better off than now as your new income is over and above what you've previously had.

But he still says i'm being greedy

Does he think that you are going to leave him?

I'm with Fairylea but that's because it's how it works in our family? DH and I both work but his salary outstrips mine by 5:1.

But the reason it works is because we see our money as family finance and don't nit pick what each other spend. Although TBF it is me that spends most.

If you pay less money towards bills but pay for dinner, is that not really the same thing? But you will feel more independent because you can buy a meal?

Keep things simple, don't complicate them.

FWIW OP, I think the fairest way to budget, is to work out ALL the outgoings, mortgage, bills, christmas savings, holiday costs, any set savings you make JOINTLY etc etc, over a year. Add both your salaries, take away ALL outgoings, divide monthly, then split the left overs in half for your spends.

For example, if your outgoings are £6200 a month, his incoming is £7500 and yours is £1700. Total in is £9200, minus £6200, leaves £3000. You'd both get £1500 to do as you see fit.

Either pool everything and he should be more aware of commenting on your spending, or (and i think this would be farer, each pay a fair percentage into a 'bills' account. You shouldn't be paying half.

Right so he moans about you spending "his" money. You have taken a job so that won't happen anymore so he will be able to keep all his money for himself but he wants to take your money to to add to his.

Someone's being greedy and it's not you OP.

Sorry OP but it does read that for 15 years you were quite happy to spend his money but now you will be earning more and bringing more in the home you are not willing to share the wealth as it were.

Also the joint bank account worked for you when you were not earning but now you decide you want one of your own.

Instead why don't you have your wages paid in to the joint account, then have an equal share of money transferred in to your new one (DH should have a separate one too). The joint account will then become the family account. You both have equal amounts of spending money and any holidays or meals out come out of the family account. Sound much fairer to me.

NickiF

You're right though he shouldn't have been such a twat about money all those years but what can you do about it now?

Where has the OP said he has been a twat about money?

I get that you want to be independent, but the reality is that there is such a vast difference between what you both earn, that if you are truly committed to paying your way, you are always going to struggle to keep up. I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly)that the types of holidays you go on, clothes you buy as a family etc are in line with what someone on £150k can afford rather than someone on £25k. If you truly want to be independent, then as a family you will have to scale down your outgoings to be in line with your salary but I guess your husband isn't prepared to do this - and in all honesty, why should you - the whole family should benefit from his hard work. Perhaps I am being too simplistic here, but can you not keep the current arrangement of the joint account, pool all your money and take comfort from the fact you are contributing? Would that make your DH happy and you?

Maybe you each need a personal account and a family account. Stuff like holidays and dinners out come from the family account. Of you go out for dinner as a cpuple it shpuld come from the joint account, not "you had the steak so thats X and I had the soup so thats Y"

Personal accounts for things like nails done, drinks put with friends, clothes (not work clothes) etc.

Bringing up money in arguments is being a twat IMO. If you've got a problem with it then you talk about it as a couple, respectfully, you don't use it as a weapon in a row.

If he has 2.5k left a month and is quibbling over you having 400 is is a control thing.

Have a Google of financial abuse.

IMO all money should go into the pot and any left over after all family expenses including birthdays, holidays, meals out etc should be shared equally.

A marriage/relationship should be a partnership not a dictatorship where one has to answer to the other.

Dh will be paying the majority of all the bills.

My salary won't cover even half.

I'm confused also as to what is the correct etiquette. We have always had a joint account DH pays ALL the bills, I have never taken any responsibility for this.
I do spend to much money and we are currently overdrawn slightly.

I need to start taking more responsibility for myself...hence why I opened my own account and want to separate my salary so I can manage my own money.

I want to contribute as I should, I also want to stop being criticised by dh about money. If I have my own and am not spending any of his then surely it will become a mute issue.......

Only now the problem is how much of my salary should I pay?

In my opinion the only fair way is to put everying into a joint account, pay the bills and transfer an equal amount of spending money into your and dh's other account.
I assume you being a sahm for a long time allowed him to travel and further his career so he is now able to earn what he does.
If he doesn't see this he is being a prick.
He brings home 6k every month after tax and you £1.7k.

I don't get the "contribute" thing. Isn't it supposed to be teamwork and everyone "contributes" whatever is possible, may it be money being earned outside home, childcare, housework, etc.

Do you want to be independent or not?

400 disposable is more than enough and about double what I have so frankly if you feel that's not enough, I'm completely unsympathetic.

You've been living off him for x years and happily so. Either, you continue to do so or not. Simple.

Ffs, financial abuse because he has more free spend than her?

Just because your family pools money doesn't mean that others that don't do that are wrong.

I have less free spend than h. I'm not financially abused.