Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

He is being unreasonable. From each according to their means. You have less means, so the same ratio should apply to each of your incomes, not the same amount.

And while you were spending his money, you were also caring for his children. A job in itself.

Zill, spending to the extent it was putting them into overdraft and she has no idea how much she spent? And then when she has her own income she keeps it all to herself and leaves him the bills?

But that's ok because she was raising THEIR children? Thus is not a sahm debate, lets not make it one.

Wow. It truly is another world on Mumsnet at times.

Such vast salaries. So much money. Or Overdraft.

This is about ami,having no grasp on her spending.her spending his salary.nowt else
However,ami is reflective about it,they plan to make changes,more dialogue
The happy upside is she now has a job which she's delighted about

Interesting how many of the usual MN feminists here are happy to throw the usual advice out of the window as your DH has a large salary.

It seems to me that you were happy to live off his wage and treat it as 'family' money for 15 years but now you will earning you aren't happy to contribute at all.

Independence means paying your share of the bills as well. OP wants to have her cake and eat it too, she suggested an idea she was happy with and is now changing her mind because it means she wont have access to 'his' cash to spend willy nilly.

I mean OP is seriously moaning about the fact that she would be left with £400 a month left over to do as she pleases. Come on.

Could you please clarify which "usual MN feminists" you are referring to, LongTimeLurking, and which "usual advice" it is being thrown out of the window?

Usual advice would be to either split the bills 50/50 or in ratio with the incomes. The suggestions here so far seem to be that this man is financially abusive and should be picking up the tab for all the bills because of his large salary.

But you don't want to be independent, you want dh to finance your lifestyle (or subsidise) you, whilst your wage is spending money. If you were going to be independent you'd have to live a lifestyle you can finance yourself.

Your argument doesn't make sense to me, but your dh is being an utter nob to be moaning about your spending when he's on such a high wage, unless your spending is ridiculous of course.

It sounds as though you're both being a bit odd about it - any money that comes into our house is everybody's. While you've been a sahm you've been contributing to the running of the family in other ways, so your dh hasn't been independent either because he couldn't have done it without your contributions either.

Well, you can't mean me, so I am staying out of this!

Ah, you spent so much of his vast salary (five times our household income) that you were in overdraft? YABU! And you expect him not to mention that?

Also, it looks like the 400 a month you'd be left with isn't for food, children's expenses, etc, but is just spending money? What were you going to buy that you needed more?! Maybe the imbalance in what's left over can be seen as paying dh back for all the money you've fritted away over the years?

Caring after your OWN children is not a fucking job!!! Your a parent!! It doesn't earn a wage!!!

Op clearly has a spending problem. If I was earning that amount and do was taking us in to overdraft (and I wonder how big op is considering the salary) I'd be fucking fuming !

Her dh has ever right to object to it!

She has over spent the family money, now wants to earn her own and keep it - under the guise of independance.

She is dam right the credit cards need to go - she has got them in debt. How the hell us she going to manage her own bank account ?

Not sure what your problem is softly but you're not being very nice or even very helpful

DH earns several times what I do. We each put the same % of our salary into a joint account for bills, mortgage etc and the rest is ours to spend as we wish.
I am a saver, DH a spender!

I think you're reading a different thread to me, LongTimeLurking. The general consensus seems to be that the DH is being perfectly fair and that the OP needs to reign in her spending if they are overdrawn. I've also seen many suggestions that bills are split in proportion to earnings. I would still like to know which "usual feminists" you're referring to and why you seem to take issue with their advice.

bear I didn't know I had to hearts and roses. This is AIBU. I can post what I like, if you don't like it or it's deemed not nice enough for you liking - report it.

It's fab that op has had responsible turn about on her actions but I don't buy it and I'm entitled to that opinion. Just like I have the opinion that op is a very entitled lady.

You really are a piece of work softly

You have no idea whether the OP has a spending problem and there's nothing to suggest she is entitled really.

She's not used to managing family money, she made a bad call but has had a change of heart.

If you choose not to believe that she has had a responsible turn that is indeed your prerogative but I fail to see what you twisting the knife is achieving.

bear it's great that your supporting op but I really am allowed my opinion.

I've read op post and actually I do think she is entitled, I fail to see that a woman her age can be so nieve of her spending and what the finances are for her home.

If this was the other was round and it was a man that was complaining, some posters would be arriving with pitch forks and burning torches yelling 'LTB'

Like I said report my posts if you don't like them if you can put your Pom poms down for one second

No point in reporting you softly, you seem to be getting off on being so poisonous and that would just feed it.

It must be quite depressing to think so ill of people.

I'm one of the least Pom-pomy people you could meet but I do believe in being fair and you are being blatantly unfair and nasty.

In my book the way it should work is that you add both salaries together take ALL expenses away inc bills, adding to savings, clothes, haircuts ect. Then the amount that's left should be halved and place into your own accounts as spending money.

bear it wouldn't get deleted if you did as what I've posted isn't bad. It's my opinion.

I'm not depressed, it's just my opinion. My SIL crippled my BIL with her spending and refusal to help with bills.

Like I said if it was the other way round it would be a different story.

You seem really invested in op, do you know her?

You have absolutely no idea if this is anything like your SIL/BIL.

The OP said they were 'slightly' overdrawn, that's not exactly 'crippled' is it?

I don't know the OP but I don't see the point in being so nasty and vindictive towards her when she has plans to make changes.

She asked if she was BU, accepted she was and has been pretty gracious about it all.

She's been in the fortunate position of having a seemingly endless supply of cash- not something many of us could relate to so we can't really assume she's 'entitled' it's just they way it's been.

You are clearly revelling in being so harsh and it seems very strange and unnecessary.

Am not revelling in anything.

It my opinion like I've stated

I think your too invested in this thread

Thank you bear

Just for clarity. We have a slight overdraft currently.
No credit card debt.
Healthy savings & pension.

My spending does not cripple my family, neither is it a problem as much as my ineffectual management (or lack of) finances.

I am not entitled and grew up in great poverty (as did my DH), unfortunately I didn't have much time before we had dc to master some life skills that I now realise are important in an equal marriage.

I'm trying to address this now.

I'm not invested at all- I just don't see the point in kicking someone when they've admitted they're wrong.

Do you pull the legs off daddy long legs just for fun too?