Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

"You are really are a piece of work softly"

Finally we agree on something bear

bear yes I do ! I also stick pins in small children
Not invested much!

Op I hope you stick at this turn about. It might shock you how long money lasts when you have no concept of it.

Good luck!

Lol nicki it seems we all find common ground somewhere although I'm struggling with softly

Glad you got that last boot in there softly- I'm sure you'll sleep better for it

In the background of this is ami,who got a new job.congratulations ami

Good luck op.

3 kids in private school. £150k is definitely not enough money for crazy spending on frivolities in this situation, so I'm not convinced you have been overspending on luxuries really that much. You have very high fixed outgoings, may I assume that also includes a sizeable mortgage?

Stay on the joint account, pay a few bills and keep a small amount for luxuries. £200 per week is way more than I spend on me, and our joint salary is more than yours and we have no kids. Apologies if the £200 per week is actually being spent on your kids, food, fuel etc. and I missed that.

Congrats on your new job! I think you shouldn't feel bad about keeping a bit of your salary for frivolities, but I agree with the posters who have said that it's time to contribute in a meaningful manner to the household expenses. Best of luck in your new career! You've taken a wonderful step towards independence even if you're not quite fully independent yet.

Im another one who thinks there isn't really that much left to fritter away after the school fees have been paid, plus all of the other bills.

I would also be interested in a breakdown of the bank accounts in order to see just what is being spent by the OP and I would put money on it being spent more on family than her, Ok, so you can still spend more than you should on family but I suspect there's just a little bit of tweaking needing done here and there.

People who are feeling grumpy because the OP has 400 pounds a month to spend and thats what they have for their family - so what? Her 400 is absolutely nothing to do with yours.

Is 400 pounds a month a lot of money to have for your personal use? No. I don't think it is.

Is 400 pounds a month a lot of money to have for your personal use? No. I don't think it is.

Um, yes! Assuming you mean for spending money, rather than food etc - what the heck would you buy every month that costs 400??

I also think that it's a lot, but I guess it depends on your lifestyle.

I couldn't envisage spending that on me at all.

That said, I'm not a clothes, make up, perfume, jewellry, hairdressers person.

Nor do I need to be.

But if I regularly needed/wanted new outfits & haircuts I can see how it would soon be eaten into.

Electronics (computer/ mobile phone/printer etc), hair cut and colour every 6 weeks, new bike, gym membership, magazine subscriptions, memberships (Tate/ RA/ RIGB etc), meals out with friends, presents for relatives, sponsoring friends, clothes, breaks with girl friends.

Easy.

Botox, hairdo, waxing, costa coffee...

I do laugh at the assumption that people who have pocket money to spend cant see further than make-up, perfume, clothes, jewellery, hair do's etc. Why is it so wrong if they do?

What about women who don't have as much money to spend as some others do, is it ok for them to spend what they have on make-up and perfume etc? Or is that also wrong?

As it is Im not really into makeup because I have very bad eye sight that makes putting it on almost impossible, but I do have a professional make up done if I'm going to a wedding or the likes. My hair is 3 shade of grey with each shade being a different block of colour and none of them very nice, it also grows really quickly, so to avoid a line down the middle of my head that even with the best of intentions is very noticeable I have it cut, coloured and highlighted every month to the day.

Jewellery - only my wedding ring.

Perfume - I wear the same Jo Malone one day in and day out and its always bought for me by 2 of my children who have easy access to buying it because of their jobs. I live in a country where its not on sale.

Going out for a coffee? Its something I never do because I have better at home.

The Opera/Theatre - For about 8 months of the year I go at least twice a month and more often that not 3 or 4 times, and I never skimp on the seats.

No assumptions Granny I was listing a very easy way to spend £400 a week. There was no judgement on that either.
Some ppl had questioned how a person could spend £400 a week on personal stuff. So some other ppl gave examples of how this might be achieved.

Why do you feel the need to detail and defend your spending? no one is discussing it. Unless you're the op with a nc.

Is £400 a lot of pocket money? Well it's all relative isn't it.
But if you're overdrawn you're spending too much.

Yes, you listed very easy ways to spend money.

There was no judgment ? Well, we can disagree on that.

People questioned how 400 could be spent and examples were given of how - thats what I did. I gave examples.

Am I the Op with a name change? Thats funny.

We can disagree. But there's no evidence there for you to claim I was being judgemental. I know how much regualr Botox and fillers costs and I know many ppl who have them. Same with club memberships, bottles of wine, hair extensions, lunches out, bed linen.
Had I said "easy to waste £400 on superficial crap like..... [examples]" that would have been a judgemental statement. I'm sure the difference is clear.

Of course it's easy to spend that money, there are a million ways to do it.
But it's also more than possible to spend far less and still be content.
(and not overdrawn)

And the point about being the op with a nc was made because you were detailing your own spending, and made a defensive remark about spending on cosmetic luxuries when the thread is about the OPs spending (and being overdrawn) not yours.

Have a nice day Amanda :)

Thank you.
And you.

£400 p/m isnt exorbitant spending,its nice but its hardly tamara mellon
I easily exceed that,movies,eat out,make up,netflix,gallery