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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

394 replies

amigreedy · 06/07/2014 10:41

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43 Hmm

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

OP posts:
impatienceisavirtue · 06/07/2014 12:20

You can't have it both ways, which is what it sounds like you're trying to do.

AllDirections · 06/07/2014 12:21

I agree with InfiniteJest

It doesn't sound like your husband is being in the least bit unreasonable- he earns £150k and you still manage to get into overdraft- his moaning is entirely justified.

We don't know why the account is overdrawn though do we? My XH used to have a fit about my spending but whilst he spent money on himself from the joint account I was spending it on food and nappies and shoes for the DC, etc. But it was always my fault for the account going overdrawn Hmm

It sounds to me like the OP is going back to work because of his attitude to his money.

Longtalljosie · 06/07/2014 12:23

Err - yes, and your DH should have the same amount too!

By my calculation, he has about £7,000 a month after tax.

You have £1,700.

You have two options here.

The ratio of your incomes is 80:20 by my calculations.

So you either split the bills 80:20 and keep your respective money after the bills (this will massively favour him BTW so isn't especially fair

Or you consider that your joint income is £8,700 pm, subtract all household expenses and whatever you as a couple wish to save / invest and pay yourselves equal spending money for fun / clothes.

Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 12:25

alldirections have you RTFT?

The OP has admitted she spends too much Hmm

Where you've got the impression she's going back to work because he sees everything as his is beyond me- the bloke has supported his family for 15 years and only moaned at the OP's excessive spends (which she's admitted to)

capitalc · 06/07/2014 12:35

so your married ,have children together,share a house and life together ,but you want separate bank accounts , what is wrong with having a joint and putting it all in together , and share the money as well ffs.

cansu · 06/07/2014 12:35

I would imagine that if you hadnt stayed home he would have had to pay childcare and house cleaning money. I think you should pay some in. Given that he is earning about five times as much as you, I would suggest you put in about 600.00 per month.

Original poster
amigreedy · 06/07/2014 12:38

I am a little worried about taking my name off the joint account-particularly as DH seems so keen---
It was my suggestion but are there bad implications on this for me?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 06/07/2014 12:38

Glad you've worked out a way forwards OP. Having the joint account and you're own account for your personal spending with an agreed transfer is probably the best way forwards.

We pretty much do this, each having the same amount of disposable income after bills, it seems to work well and DH earns more than twice as much as I do so pays the greater proportion of bills.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 06/07/2014 12:39

Why does he complain? Do you spend too much? What was the spending that took the account into od?

Nicknacky · 06/07/2014 12:39

Not everyone wants all money in one account. I wish people would realise that and stop pushing others to do it. It's been suggested numerous times. And in this circumstance they have one account, the op anted to change that!!

diddl · 06/07/2014 12:41

Sounds like a plan, OP.

Hope it all works out.

LittleBearPad · 06/07/2014 12:41

Leave your name on it. But agree what it can be used for. Ie bills, mortgage, direct debits, schools fees and then try to come it some agreement re what's reasonable in principle for the kids. Your spending comes from your own account.

And try not to overspend, on his salary alone you shouldn't be regularly overdrawn unless there's been a cock-up/ something unexpected.

Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 12:42

I think you need to sit down and discuss it properly.

He was probably keen on you coming off the account when you were trying to be all in dependant as it was obvious you wouldn't be able to do it on your own.

If you admit you've been unreasonable and then propose your new plan he'll probably be fine with it if you agree that you have money for your spends and the joint account is for bills and family spends only.

diddl · 06/07/2014 12:43

i agree to keeping your name on the joint account.

You might need access to pay a bill!

aprilanne · 06/07/2014 12:44

sorry but you are being greedy i dont understand your position .you want your own bank acount you are going to have£400 a month to yourself .he is going to pay for holidays and such .if you didnt pay so much towards household and had more to yourself each month .he is still subsidising household .whatever way you look at it .sorry but i am with your hubby .you are being ridicoulous

Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 12:45

Not everyone wants all money in one account. I wish people would realise that and stop pushing others to do it. It's been suggested numerous times. And in this circumstance they have one account, the op anted to change that!!

I agree it doesn't suit everyone (we don't do it) but in this instance the OP has agreed it's the best for her.

She can't make any kind of proportional contribution and maintain her current lifestyle- her DH's disposable income is probably more than her take home pay.

Nicknacky · 06/07/2014 12:47

Totally agree, bearbehind.

Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 12:47

It never ceases to amaze me how many people read the OP and don't think that, 6 pages in, they might have conceded they were BU, but comment based on the first post anyway Hmm

Original poster
amigreedy · 06/07/2014 12:49

Sp

OP posts:
HappyAgainOneDay · 06/07/2014 12:52

Can't you work out what percentage your net salary will be of you DH's net salary and then you pay the same percentage of any expenditure whatever it is? Food, utilities, travel, clothes etc.

wafflyversatile · 06/07/2014 12:52

She hasn't admitted it. she's said he says she overspends and that maybe she does. There really isn't any detail there. Him saying she is spending too much isn't necessarily the same as her actually spending too much.

OP with such a big disparity in your salaries, and if you are a family then neither of you can really have true financial independence. You're a unit. The only way you could do it, as a PP said, is if you pretended that your joint salaries were twice what you are going to earn and you lived within that budget. Once household and child stuff was paid for you would have a small amount to afford you going to pizza express once a month and he would have a large amount to afford him going to Barbados for lunch once a week and that would not make for a very cohesive family unit.

If he's always seen it as 'his money' that he gives to you (and your child) then it seems to me you want this job/independence so you don't have to feel you have to justify yourself all the time. What needs to change is the attitude is resentment is not to (continue to) grow. However you decide between you to split spending money you need both of you on the joint account for family money and money in your separate account that is your to do exactly as you please with without quizzing. He can have the same. IMO.

Original poster
amigreedy · 06/07/2014 12:53

Sorry Blush

Spoken with DH & he wants to proceed with my first suggestion.

Take my name of the joint account.
I never pay anything from it - DH pays all the bills.

Get my salary paid into my account.
Name a number I think is reasonable for me to contribute & pay the bills of that cost myself from my account and keep the rest for my discretion.

This was MY idea initially but I am getting cold feet.

Is this a good plan?
What should my number be?

I clear 1700

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 12:56

Which part of this sentence is not admitting it waffly

I do spend to much money and we are currently overdrawn slightly.

Nicknacky · 06/07/2014 12:57

None of us can possibly give you a figure. We don't know your mortgage, outgoings etc.

And I think for such an important issue you would be better discussing it with your h rather than strangers on mumsnet.

ClashCityRocker · 06/07/2014 12:57

£900 leaves you £800 to play with - but it depends on what you envisage your personal expenditure to be.