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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

394 replies

amigreedy · 06/07/2014 10:41

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43 Hmm

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:31

NickiFury
"I wouldn't take my name of the joint account. I would tell him I am paying my salary into it and we will be splitting what is left as that's the fair way to do it.

I would tell him that perhaps I would have a better paying job and a big fat expense account if I hadn't had to stay at home bringing up children for the past 15 years.

I would tell him I am more than happy to run purchases by him to alleviate any possibility of overspending and will look forward to him doing the same, perhaps in a weekly sit down.

I think his reaction will show whether or not he is financially controlling or not."

So everything is the OP's DHs fault including the overspending?
Must be nice to have a free hand in being controlling and abusive.

Nicknacky · 06/07/2014 11:31

I think you are creating this issue. You want to remove yourself from his earnings but you realise you will need to use it but don't want to ask for it?

I think you need to look at why he is complaining. Are you overspending and is that causing a financial issue? It's not unreasonable of him to discuss this with you.

Sarrasin · 06/07/2014 11:31

He earns 150k and you are overdrawn slightly?!

Nicknacky · 06/07/2014 11:33

My reading of this is that it's the joint account that's overdrawn, not the ops account. I don't think it is selfish if the husband to object to this.

NickiFury · 06/07/2014 11:33

I think the points I made are valid. It's not about "fault". IMO that would be the fair way to do it and I think it's true that a 15 year career history will lead to far more earning potential than 15 years at home bringing up children.

LizzieMint · 06/07/2014 11:36

My H has always earned a lot more than me. I'm now a SAHM but before this we worked out contributions on a percentage - so if he took home double my income, he'd pay twice as much into the 'bills' pot.
If you work it out like this, how much would you be left with?

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:36

Nickifury

You are making a lot of assumptions about the job that the OP had/has.

NickiFury · 06/07/2014 11:37

Am I? Like what?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 06/07/2014 11:37

Have you thought of both paying the same proportion of salary into the joint account?

Ie you both pay half your income to the joint account to cover bills and keep the rest. It would mean you had less disposable income than him, but still contributed the same as he does proportionate to salary.

If you had additional spends like holidays, he could contribute on the same scale, so if he earns 4 times as much as you do, you split holiday costs 5 ways, he pays 4 parts and you pay 1.

I do think it might take more to sort this out though op, I'm a sahm and if dh earned 150k I wouldn't expect him to ever complain about money, or complain about my contribution if I earned much less. Does your dh have other issues, does he think you working is a criticism of how much he earns, or is he unwilling to share housework and childcare fairly when you both work full time so he is finding excuses for you not to work?

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:40

Like she would have the same earning potential as her DH.

notapizzaeater · 06/07/2014 11:40

Tbh if I was your DH I'd be pissed off too.

I'd pay your salary I to the joint account, take off all hills, allow an amount for holidays/car repairs/buffer etc and then share the rest equally.

diddl · 06/07/2014 11:41

Would you have wanted an "expense account" then OP-money per month just for you?

if so, why didn't that happen?

Might it have stopped overdrawing?

So then why not now keep as much of what you want from your earnings for your "expense account"?

seaweed123 · 06/07/2014 11:41

I guess an important question is how much you currently spend per month? While €400 is a lot for most people, I can see it would feel unfair starting work full time and being worse off than you are now.

And also, how much does your DH spend on things just for him (not including holidays, dinners, saving)? Because that's the important comparison, not how much more than other posters you spend.

I can see where you are coming from - if my DH reproached me about money in your situation I'd never be able to spend a penny of his again. Easy to say when we earn the same. I think you are going to need to accept that you are never going to be independent when your lifestyle is based on a salary you can't match. You need to decide whether you want to be dependent on a man who thinks like that.

NickiFury · 06/07/2014 11:43

Well it's possible isn't it? And certainly a consistent 15 year work history would pay considerably more than being a SAHM I imagine.

PunkrockerGirl · 06/07/2014 11:43

I'm a bit puzzled as to why you wouldn't be able to clothe yourself, pay for a few meals out, birthdays etc on £400 a month. That amount of spending money would be awesome to many of us. That said, I think your DH is treating you respectfully.

PunkrockerGirl · 06/07/2014 11:45

disrespectfully

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:48

Its possible but only if you make assumptions about the work sector that the op is in, and there are many sectors that would not get to that amount of money.

Bearbehind · 06/07/2014 11:49

If I take my name off the joint account then I won't have access to any of his money so he has to stop complaining to me right?

OP you are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

It doesn't sound like your husband is being in the least bit unreasonable- he earns £150k and you still manage to get into overdraft- his moaning is entirely justified.

You can expect to live on your salary and contribute equally as you earn no where near what he does.

Why can't you continue to pool your money?

It sounds like you have tried to make a stand but realised you've fucked up because you'll be worse off.

That's not your DH's fault.

NickiFury · 06/07/2014 11:51

I'm not making any assumptions. It seems quite clear to me that even someone in a low wage job would have moved up, been promoted, pay rises etc possibly retrained over such a period not to mention the fact that OP has achieved a job paying £1700.00 a month after a career break of 15 years, she's obviously got something going for her.

todayisnottheday · 06/07/2014 11:52

You sound like you're being very difficult tbh. You can't afford to contribute half and "pay your way" as you put it. You're taking yourself off the joint account so you can't access his money knowing you'll still need it then complaining that you'll need to ask for money. Your dh hasn't asked you to do any of this yet you think it's his fault Confused

Either contribute what you can afford and leave it there or pay everything into the joint account and take what you need as you need it. You cannot fund 50% of a 150k lifestyle on 1700pm. It's simple mathematics!

If you're dh brings it up in rows sit him down when calm and ask him how much you are going to need to contribute to stop him doing it. Be realistic though!

rpitchfo · 06/07/2014 11:54

If you're struggling an extra 1700 should be very welcome. Stick it in the joint account and carry on as before

Fairylea · 06/07/2014 11:57

But we don't know how much her dh is paying into the joint account, and how much he is keeping for himself. If for example he is paying (random figures) £2000 into the joint and that's only just enough for bills alone and then he is pocketing the rest for spending money / himself then it's not fair that he moans at her for going into the overdraft because he has more money available but isn't sharing it and they have unequal spending money.

If he is paying the whole lot into the joint account and op is spending it willy nilly and getting them both overdrawn and neither have anything left over to spend than that is quite a different situation.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:58

"It seems quite clear to me that even someone in a low wage job would have moved up, been promoted, pay rises etc possibly retrained over such a period"

They would have but in many industries even over a 15 year period of time you would not achieve 150K as a wage.

"not to mention the fact that OP has achieved a job paying £1700.00 a month after a career break of 15 years, she's obviously got something going for her."

She does indeed have something going for her, but we don't know what industry she is in or where on the pay scale the £1700 a month is.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 06/07/2014 11:59

I think that where 'pool everything' isn't an option, for whatever reason, most couples would go for paying an equal % of their salary into the joint a/c. So he pays 75% of his salary, you pay 75% of yours, or whatever it takes to pay the outgoings.

Do you think your H would be happy with that?

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/07/2014 11:59

Fairylea
"But we don't know how much her dh is paying into the joint account"

Why are you so desperate to make him out as the bad guy?

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