Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

But it shouldn't be referred to as "living off" someone. She's been bringing up THREE kids! She's done her bit.

Now we are getting to the crux of the matter. The op by her own admission overspends and they are in overdraft. The h attempts to keep an eye on the finances but according to some posters this makes him a controlling prick. Jeez.

People bring up all kinds of things during arguments. Doesn't make him a twat.

Plus how do you know that every time he tries to discuss it the OP doesn't accuse him of being financially controlling thus ending the conversation.

He has paid for everything for 15 years and maybe having such a huge responsibility gets too much. Now his wife can contribute more the pressure should ease for him but by the sounds of it, it won't because he will still be paying the lion's share and the OP will have more expendable cash at the end of the month than him. How is that fair?

Maybe both sides would not feel so controlled by each other if they had an equal amount at the end of each month.

You've said that you want to contribute to bills fairly.

And you've worked that out but you aren't happy with what it leaves you?

But isn't the point that ypu want some money of your own to spend as ypu wish without your husband knowing?

Which is what you will be getting?

I've never lived off anyone in my life.

I am not a leech.

Thank you

I wouldn't take your name of the joint account, that suggests you don't want any part of bill paying or keeping tabs on what goes where.

Also, you said you wanted to pay your share, yet squeaked when it became obvious that your standard of living (the one he has been paying for) would eat up all of your wages. That would make his 'just say what you want to contribute' comment make some sense.

And he is allowed to tell you you are over spending, anyone in a relationship is allowed to make that comment. You might be, we don't know. He is allowed to watch what is spent, I do. DH doesn't, he just grumbles if there isn't as much as he expects in our savings account. Anyone in a relationship is allowed to watch how money is spent. It is utterly unreasonable to call this a controlling behaviour. It is normal, commons sense behaviour - regardless of the size of the pay cheque.

Get some perspective and think, what do you really want out of this? If you really want to have all of your money to be yours so you can feel some independence then sit down and tell him that. Have an adult conversation about it. Tell him you want to be able to save up, on your own, so that you too can pay for a holiday, a meal out. Tell him that, whilst you know it won't make a dent in the family bank balance, you feel the need to return to the land of the living, to be an adult again.

I can't see how that would be a problem, but it will be if you pussy foot around it and ask to 'be allowed' to do things your salary cant stretch to, which just means you haven't thought it through properly.

Basically, the man is your husband. Talk to him on that basis, rather than the 'he is an ogre' - that's from some of the responses here rather than your OP, amigreedy.

I hope that made some sense.

Have you actually both sat down and looked at what your outgoings are? Everyone is fixated on 150K being loads, but if you have a huge mortgage and 3 children in private school (say) there really won't be much left after bills.

So the best way to do it is work out essential outgoings.

then look at discretionary outgoings - holidays, meals out, entertainment etc. and agree how much you will spend (as a family). Sounds like this is where your sticking point is.

Then see what is left.

Unless you know what your outgoings are we have no idea what "spare" income DH may have or whether he is justified in (currently) asking you not to spend so much.

"It's the inequality."

This situation is never going to be equal.

Well our etiquette was that husband carried on paying the bills, made his account the joint one, my money went into my account & I did what I wanted with it

Dotty the OP's husband earns 150,000 per year. It is him that will have much more disposable cash at the end of the month.

No, not a controlling prick because he objects to overspending.
That's a different issue.
She's not been living off him, they agreed she would sah to bring up dc.

Why are you taking your name off the joint account?

You have total joint income. You have total joint outgoings. Money spent in childcare and entertainment counts as joint outgoings. You have a balance left. You split that into half each.

That formula applies whether both have a job or only one.

OP, you want the impossible.

You want to contribute equally and you want the same disposable income but with an earnings difference of more than £100k per year- that ain't going to happen.

It sounds like it's you who's asked to be taken off the joint account- I don't understand why you have done that.

Why not pay your salary into the joint account and continue to spend as you do (not spend any more) and then you can justify any mild frivolity on the bias you are contributing.

Not not financial abuse because he has more left over.

Financial abuse because he expects her to tell him what she is paying for, because he brings up in arguements that she spends too much, because he is quibbling and making her feel greedy for having 1/5 his disposable income after she has contributed a share and she will have to ask for money to keep up in a relationship where one party has lots left over.

I wouldn't take my name of the joint account. I would tell him I am paying my salary into it and we will be splitting what is left as that's the fair way to do it.

I would tell him that perhaps I would have a better paying job and a big fat expense account if I hadn't had to stay at home bringing up children for the past 15 years.

I would tell him I am more than happy to run purchases by him to alleviate any possibility of overspending and will look forward to him doing the same, perhaps in a weekly sit down.

I think his reaction will show whether or not he is financially controlling or not.

You say DH's calculations leave you €400/month, but you are not contributing half the bills? How did DH calculate what you should have?

Seems to me you want a certain amount of money to spend a month. Why not start from there and work out what you can pay for bills?

being fair doesn't mean being equal

you don't contribute half the bills, you contribute a percentage

OR! you do what i do and take on a few of he bills and have them come out of your account by direct debit

How can you be overdrawn with a 150k salary?? What do you spend it all on? Do you live in Mayfair? That is aside though and I always say folk always spend beyond their means I know we do. However our means would be a tenth of yours.

I think you absolutely are not being greedy though.

You want to work
You want to contribute
You want to have independence
What do you over spend on

If this were me and dp the money would be ours no mstter who earnt it. So there would be s joint account and probably no change.

If you want to separate things then it should be done pro rata if you earn 10% of what he earns (im sure you will be working just as hard) then pay 10% of bills. But I just think its weird that you have open access to the money now and overdpend but then if you start work he wants to vut you off.

I agree with the others its about control

OP admits she is overspending and this means they are overdrawn (despite DH earning 150K). Is her DH not allowed to mention this without being accused of being financially abusive?

I just want him to stop moaning at me.

If I take my name off the joint account then I won't have access to any of his money so he has to stop complaining to me right?

Only if I am running out of money because I don't have enough left over then I'm going to have to go cap in hand....

How is that an improvement for me?

But I just think its weird that you have open access to the money now and overdpend but then if you start work he wants to vut you off.

Her DH does not want to cut her off. The OP wants a separate bank account and to take her name off the joint account. So effectively it is the OP that wants to be separate not the DH.

If you keep all of your salary, what then?

He's still better off as although he's paying what he was before, you aren't "spending too much" from the joint account.

But if you don't have enough left over then that is down to your money management and no fault of your DH's.

It sounds vey much like you want your cake and eat it.

But how much money do each of you have to spend at the moment? If he has for example 2k floating about and you have nothing then it's not surprising you've gone overdrawn is it. It's not fair. You need to have the same money.

You seem to be blaming yourself for a situation you've been put into by your husband being selfish with money.

Unless you both have full access to the joint account and equal spending money then he is being selfish. Plain and simple. Being a sahm is allowing your dh to earn his massive salary by providing childcare and so on. You are both contributing equally and you are entitled to an equal share of the income.

What are you overspending on OP? I'm wondering if because you don't have any real say in family finances it's lack of awareness of budgeting etc rather than being a total spendthrift. How can you know what's affordable and realistic if you're not being involved in the financial decision making?