Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

I'm not. I am just pointing out that it depends on the amount of spending money each of them has as to whether he is wrong or not.

fairylea the way I've read it, it's the latter.

The OP has had unrestricted access to the family income, still overspent, got moaned at for it and is now trying to become independent for no apparent reason.

It doesn't sound like her DH has instigated any of this. He'd probably be happy for her to top up the joint account with her salary and carry on as before.

Overspending when your husband earns £150k isn't necessary and it's not at all surprising her husband gets pissed off and moans about what she spends.

Well then fair enough. That's what I was trying to work out.

Where did the OP say they were overdrawn? I've read the thread twice and I can't see her mention the words overdrawn or overdraft.

You can overspend without being overdrawn, like the time both kids had a growth spurt at the same time and I had to spend £100 on kids clothes we hadn't planned for. Didn't go overdrawn but had to be a bit careful with the weekly food shop for a few weeks.

OP, in your situation I wouldn't have my name taken off the joint account. I would have my own account, and pay a proportion of my salary into the joint account as my contribution to the household expenses. My clothes and treats for me would come out of my account, plus I'd then treat DH to the odd night out if I could afford it. Household and child related expenses, including child care, would come out of the joint account.

I don't think I said that she could earn £150k did I? I think I said "a better paying job" which I think is highly likely.

Add message | Report | Message poster amigreedy Sun 06-Jul-14 11:13:40

I do spend to much money and we are currently overdrawn

I do spend to much money and we are currently overdrawn slightly.

Here Rachel.

If you want to split money into yours and his, the easiest way I can see would be to pay the same % of your salary into the joint account each month.

He will obviously still have more disposable, but it seems that you want 'your' money, so the split is not going to be equal anyway as long as you view things as 'yours' and 'his'.

Lots of good advice here
You've all given me food for thought.

It's quite right that yes, I do want to maintain my current standard of living.
Yes I do want to do that independently.
But I can't on my salary.
I am as stated by others "cutting my nose off"!

I'm just not sure how to move forward fairly.

Thanks bearbehind. I must have missed that.

We don't know what OP is getting into 'his' overdraft on. Is it for household expenses? She mentioned that she didn't have an 'expense account'.

If it is for household expenses you need to sit down and show him that you can't run the household for less, or shop arround together for better deals, or have a frank discussion about what is and isn't a valid household expense. ie toiletries are a valid household expense, but are 'expensive' ones a valid household expense.

Are you budgeting for occasional spends like birthday presents? You mentioned meals out quite frequently. Is that a joint household expense or is it something that is paid for out of other funds.

If its a joint household expense you are frank about the cost of and budget for, fine, if it is a treat then of course the wealthier partner should pay if they want a lifestyle in line with their own pay packet. Or they need to cut back imo.

The fairest way would be all money in 1 pot.

Whatever is left is split equally.

Your DH has been fine with you over spending his money for the last 15 years so maybe he will be ok if you both have an equal share.

DH earns way more than me, but I spend more than him (he hasn't bought new clothes in the 15 years I've been with him and has no hobbies). He has no objection to me spending what I like (within reason) but in order to make sure my spending wasn't nibbling away at money we needed for bills etc, a set amount gets transferred to a separate account for me as "pocket money" and I buy what I like with it. If DH actually wanted any money, we would do the same for him.

Can you not agree an amount which is a fair amount of "pocket money" for you both to have and pool the rest? Despite earning inequalities, it's only fair for a couple to end up with an equal amount of disposable income - after all, the bills/mortgage/holiday costs tend to reflect the earning capacity of the higher earner, and it would be completely unfair to expect the lower earning to "keep up" by contributing half. If that higher earner wants each to pay half, then they have to prepared to scale back their lifestyle to one the lower earner can afford.

My DH earns about four times as much as me, we have three joint accounts, one direct debits come out of and my salary goes into, one is a business account and one is the everyday spending account. I have a savings account into which child benefit goes, every now and again DH asks me to transfer some into the joint account and I do. I also have the household savings in my name, they are in premium bonds atm.
Over time Dh has, on occasion, moaned at me, for spending too much and guess what? He was right so we sat down like the two adult partners we are and discussed how we could reduce our outgoings and get back to normality.

I could not bear to have to go out to dinner and think who paid for what. We discuss big purchases (over £200 as a rule) and otherwise each buys what they want/need without any reference to me earning a lot less than him.
I could not live the way I do without his salary, he could not have got to the point he is at without me picking up the slack at home and the resulting higher salary he earns enables me now to do a job I love without worrying about paying the rent. His moaning about me spending too much is based on our joint incomes not on me spending more than I can personally afford IYSWIM.

I really can't see why the OP wants to take her name off the joint account, the additional income she puts into the family plus the decreased time to spend the money will probably reduce the overspending anyway but if not talk about it and see where you can make changes and argue your case for things you both consider essential to you.

The OP has not denied that she spends too much so do something about that but don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

I'm just not sure how to move forward fairly.

I really don't think that's difficult.

Pay your salary into the joint account and continue as you were.

Don't go off spending lots more now you're earning, the extra you provide justifies any frivolous spending and you'll be able to save money between you rather than being overdrawn.

Simples!

Just noticed the bit about you being overdrawn. If your DH earns that much money and you are overdrawn, then you need to cut back no matter the semantics of whose money is whose! . You need to set yourself a budget and stick to it!

How I would do it;

If you earn 20% of your husband's salary, you pay 20% of the total cost of the bills. Yes, he's paying more, but he's also earning substantially more, and has been able to earn that salary because of what you have done for your 3 dc.

Is your main issue the way he scrutinises your spending, and you want freedom from that?

I concede that the consensus here is that ianu.

I don't think I'm being very fair.

I think I will propose that I pay my salary into the joint account and agree an amount of money to be paid into my personal account that I will manage myself.

But keep my name on the joint account.

Thanks everyone

*IABU

Yes infinitJes

I think I understand where your DP is coming from -

you say you want to pay your way,but when he suggests that it only leaves you with £400 which you say is not enough.

So you want to earn, keep all your salary for ypuself and not contribute?

You then say no, that's not the case, so he says ffs how much do you want tyo contribute then.

Does that sound like a fair assessment?

I think YABU as you don't want to decide how much to contribute, but when he decides then you don't like that either.

Nice one OP- good luck in the new job.

Hope it all works out OP

You paying half when you earn significantly less is not fair. There are two ways you can do it which would be fair - it just depends on which one works best for you as a couple.

Way 1 - Look at both of you take home salaries and work out the percentages. So if his take home is £75,000 and yours is £25,000 then you pay 25% of the bills plus 25% of an agreed amount into family savings. The rest is yours to do as you want with.

your salaries are paid into your own accounts with the agreed amounts for bills and savings going into joint accounts.

you also need to agree how incidentals such as new clothing for the children gets paid for.

way 2 Both salaries go into joint account and you each get an agreed amount of personal spending money each month which goes into your own accounts (say £500). Anything left in the joint account after bills goes to family savings or treats like holidays etc. All costs for the kids come from the joint account but your own clothes etc come from your own spending money. If you need any extra one month, you agree it between you.

DH and I use way 2 which has always worked really well for us.