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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

219 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 04/07/2014 20:19

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

OP posts:

sanfairyanne · 07/07/2014 22:18

is it like the usa as well and most people drive automatics?

NuggetofPurestGreen · 07/07/2014 22:19

Makes sense Toddle. I'm definitely not a natural anyway!

They're bringing in 'N' plates here (novice) next month - do they have those in UK? Have to display them for two year after you get your licence. I'm for it in principle but not looking forward to shitty treatment on the road for two years after I finally lose my 'L' plates

OneLittleToddleTerror · 07/07/2014 22:20

nuggets most middle class would have formal tuition alongside with practising in the parents car. If you have a nice car I think you wouldn't want your child to wreck it . Those who can't afford it would learn entirely with their parents.

Most people drive manual back when I was young. My parents have an auto but I learned in a manual and have a manual license. So I did have practise but all my clutch learning was with the instructor. Though I have to say given I never drove a manual outside of those lessons, I wouldn't drive a manual car now. I'm no longer that brave teen! I would worry too much stalling or damaging the car.

sanfairyanne · 07/07/2014 22:20

Should Britain make its driving test harder?

gu.com/p/3jfc8

does this link work?? fingers crossed

NuggetofPurestGreen · 07/07/2014 22:25

Thanks Toddle. I suppose if everyone has a car everyone has a car to learn in. My parents didn't drive (lived in a city) so none of my family learned until 30s and could afford our own cars and lessons.

GnomeDePlume · 07/07/2014 22:31

But that is prioritising other things nugget. Did you have to go to university at 17? Did you have to be living independently at 17? For some people they have no choice about leaving home early but for others there is an element of choice.

The problem is that the later you leave it, the harder and more expensive it gets.

ProcessYellowC · 07/07/2014 22:44

limits your life choices

Am afraid that I haven't yet experienced that limitation. I don't drive. Neither does DH. Yeah we wouldn't be able to choose to live in the utmost rural outpost, but if we had a car we wouldn't be able to choose to fill our garage (our house's only parking) with bikes for every occasion. Nor would we be able to both enjoy a drink together every single time we go out.

YABU that your husband should have learned to drive. But YANBU to expect him to get himself and your DCs from A to B.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 07/07/2014 22:45

Yes I did have to be living independently and have to go to university at 17. Even if I hadn't had to, I'm not sure what job I would have been getting that would have allowed me to pay for 100 private lessons, a car and insurance and tax. Unless I saved for years.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 07/07/2014 22:52

Was having this exact same conversation on another forum earlier. The person was saying it's your own fault you didn't learn to drive when you were 17. It really isn't!

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2014 23:21

"He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now."
"The youngest loves getting on buses as it's such a novelty. Being driven by mummy is routine and boring."

IMO, the problem is not that OP's DH chooses not to drive, but that he prefers dependence on the OP to give him lifts rather than to retain his independence by using another mode of transport. And the fact that the DC are happy to get on buses just highlights this.

I chose not to drive when I lived in my home town. It was expensive, difficult to park where I lived, and frankly I had no need to drive - everywhere I wanted/needed to go was a short walk (including the train station for work). Only when I moved towns did it become a problem, and I finally passed my test aged 29. Had I stayed put, I'd probably never had bothered. Maybe followed my aunt's example and got taxis everywhere (she had a point, it was still cheaper than running a car). But my and my aunt not driving wasn't a problem because we still transported ourselves around INDEPENDENTLY, be it on foot, train or taxi. OP's DH could also transport himself and the DC independently, by bus, which at least one DC sees as a treat.

By all means he can choose not to drive. But to choose not to drive and expect to be chauffeured around, when public transport is available ("We also live in a big city with good transport.") - that's a problem. And now he's sulking (" Looks like I'm still in trouble, DH is giving me the big back and pushing me away...") and tantrumming ("He now doesn't want the kids to do the activity unless I drop off and pick up.") because he didn't get his own way. That's the problem .

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2014 08:06

Not saying it is the person's fault for not learning at 17 just that 17/18 is probably the easiest time to learn in terms of acquiring new skills which has the knock on effect of requiring fewer lessons. However it is very easy at 17/18 to not see the point.

In the context of the OP I guess that her DH doesnt see the point as there is always someone (OP) who will drive him.

It would be interesting to know how many non-drivers have ever offered a taxi lift to their driving partners/friends/colleagues. That would be absolutely none IME.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 08/07/2014 09:32

Oh I know you weren't saying that Gnome that was on the other forum. Agree it would be great to learn at 17/18 - but in my case I didn't really have a choice - it wasn't that I didn't see the point.

I have given my partner a lift in a taxi - ie I have offered to pay for taxis rather than him driving so he have a drink etc.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 08/07/2014 09:33

Or paid for taxi to airport etc in recognition of fact that he does more driving than me.

Kendodd · 08/07/2014 09:58

Not saying it is the person's fault for not learning at 17 just that 17/18 is probably the easiest time to learn in terms of acquiring new skills

I agree and think that there's a very strong argument for teaching driving in school because so many poorer families just can't afford for children to learn. Not being able to drive is massively limiting, there are so many jobs needing people to drive for a start. Also I think driving is a bit like swimming, actually not swimming, it's more important than that, maybe even reading, once you get past a certain age I think it's just a bit embarrassing not to be able to do it.

And for all the people saying they don't need to drive, it's not a life skill, I can get around perfectly well, do you not see the irony? You are able to get around 'perfectly well' because other people can drive.

BTW this is all from a person who thinks we drive too much and use public transport/bikes/walk too little.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 10:10

Speak for yourself Kendodd. It is a life skill and not a necessity. How you can compare it to not learning to swim is laughable. There's always a chance of death because someone can't swim, yet I've never heard of anyone dying simply because they can't drive

HopefulHamster · 08/07/2014 10:10

I wish I'd passed my test at 17 - I did have lessons as mentioned above, but at 17 I wasn't quite ready emotionally, as strange as that sounds. I didn't have the perseverance factor for things that required physical coordination and getting over making loads of mistakes. I cried in the car a lot! And my parents were too nervous to let me drive with them. I financed it all myself, but as I was saving for uni I kept running out of money. Eventually I stopped and didn't pick it up again until my 30s (when I swapped to an auto to give myself more confidence).

Looking back, I do wish I'd stayed the course - where I lived there were lots of lovely wide roads, lessons were pricey for what I earned in my part time job but a lot cheaper than the £25 they were 15 years later, and maybe I'd have passed in a manual. But it wasn't to be.

I'm sure I've read somewhere (too lazy to google) that the percentage of young people driving has gone down rapidly in recent years - probably due to the test getting harder as well as money.

Have to say I'm sure I'm a safer driver now than I would've been as a young adult. I'm much more aware of the damage a car can do, and I've seen that much more driving to know more about the hazards (just sitting up front in a car made a difference, as a kid I was always in the back!).

superstarheartbreaker · 08/07/2014 10:15

I think that cars are one of the biggest threats to the environment ( apart from natural disastrous). For that reason I didn't learn for years. However, I soon realised that it was an absolute necessity as I was living in the sticks. It was a real struggle but I passed at the age of 36 and my life has changed.
It's not the be all and end all though. An old flat mate refused to learn as her dad was paralysed in a crash. One friend can't afford to. All perfectly valid reasons and tbh the government could develop an amazing infra structure but it has suffered in the cuts. Something to do with oil. But then I'm an old cynic and think that if there was no oil in the Middle East then we wouldn't bother going to war there.
I guess my point is that being reliant on cars sucks but ATM we have very little choice as there is a lot of money to be made from the oil industry.

glasgowstevenagain · 08/07/2014 10:47

10 lessons at 17 - worst driver ever not even close to being ready for a test

Fast forward 20 years, I came into a small sum of money, so I took 20 lessons, passed first time, I was a lot more ready to drive.

That was 3 years ago I have not driven since.

I live in a city centre flat with no free parking.

I can get to work on the train (door to door) in 45 minutes including a lovely canalside walk on one side for £18 a week!

I dont drink so thats not an issue.

Driving is a luxury (for me) that I would rather spend on other things.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2014 10:51

I don't particularly like driving and use public transport daily (I live in London) but it is increasingly useful as the DC get older. I only started driving again a few years ago and now the DC need ferrying around to activities often with sports kit it does help that I am not always reliant on DH. We could use public transport but its a pain with cricket bags especially as a lot of small local cricket clubs are a fair way from the bus.

If your DH doesn't want to drive that is his choice but he can't assume you will manage your life around his choice. If he is taking the DC to an activity then he needs to plan how he will get there and back on public transport.

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