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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

219 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 04/07/2014 20:19

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm Hmm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

OP posts:
LST · 05/07/2014 20:26

I don't drive. And I never want to. Shock horror do picks me up and if I have tired children I expect him to. Though that is very rare.

LST · 05/07/2014 20:26

*dp

HermioneWeasley · 05/07/2014 20:50

My parents forced me to learn to drive and then practice it. I hated it, felt physically sick every time, had diarrhoea, etc. you know what - thy were right. If you do it enough you just get used to it. Drive miles for work now without batting an eyelid.

Woman up people!

pancakesfortea · 05/07/2014 21:00

But why??? I get if you live in a remote farmhouse that driving is important. But most of us don't. Life without a car is just fine. It doesn't limit my life or make me dependent on other people - I just prefer the hassle of public transport to the hassle of car ownership.

I completely understand that other people make a different choice and that's fine. But why does not driving disqualify me from being a fully fledged adult?

GnomeDePlume · 05/07/2014 21:02

OutragedFromLeeds I dont necessarily agree about the cant. All too often other things get prioritised at the start. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship not driving may suit. Once children arrive it get harder to change that dynamic.

Egghead68 · 05/07/2014 21:05

I hate driving because I get panic attacks on fast roads or in the dark. I use public transport instead.

Why not just discuss with your partner whether he wants to take his test or not and support him in his choice? If he doesn't choose to drive he can use the bus and walk like everyone else.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 21:06

Woman up people!
Oh for goodness sake.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/07/2014 21:12

Gnome you've said yourself how massively advantageous it is to be able to drive. It doesn't make sense that there are people deliberately disadvantaging themselves, does it? A small minority maybe, but for the majority it must be a can't. It's just common sense. It could be a physical, psychological or financial 'can't', but it's highly unlikely to be a won't for most people...following your argument about how disadvantaged people who don't drive are.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 21:16

*YANBU. If you live somewhere that you can't live without a car, then it's unreasonable not to be able to drive. Tbh that's a deal breaker for me too since we do live in a place without much public transport.

And there is no reason someone can't drive unless he is disable. I have never ever met anyone who can't drive before I came to the UK. It is just unheard of. Everyone has a drivers license. It is all in the mind that people here think of as a hard thing to do.*

It is all in the mind? So non drivers are just what...bloody minded? weak? What do you tell people with phobias and dyspraxia? Its all in the mind?

I think more people drive in say, the USA because they mainly drive automatics and have lessons as part of the school curriculum.

Britain's roads are clogged up by cars and many journeys are short and unnecessary. I think people are losing touch with the car free life. It is possible and its not a crime. I have relatives from Europe and the USA who say the roads in Britain are horribly over crowded and more difficult than driving abroad.

pancakesfortea · 05/07/2014 21:21

It's a won't for me. When I weigh up the cost, hassle, time etc, it's just not worth it. I like walking. I don't mind buses. Sometimes I get a cab and it costs a lot less than running a car. I'm quite happy being car free.

I'm really not diaadvantaging myself or my children. If that seems so strange why don't you think of it as one more parking space available for the rest of you?

Egghead68 · 05/07/2014 21:43

Exactly. You can take a awful lot of taxis before it costs as much as running a car.

GnomeDePlume · 05/07/2014 22:28

OutragedFromLeeds, I dont think that people set out to disadvantage themselves. I think that the situation evolves.

At some point early in some relationships it suits both parties for one of them to be 'the driver' and the other to be 'the driven'. My DMil is like this. She likes being driven around and sees it as ladylike. However in the context of her relationship with DFiL this is fine, it works for them (they have been happily married since before the dawn of time).

Without a doubt learning to drive is hard work and expensive. Therefore I guess that for some it could be easier to think 'why bother'.

The problems come where the relationship becomes abusive in any way. My DF was 'the driver'. He used this as a way of controlling DM. Being ladylike and 'the driven' worked for DM early in the relationship so she didnt push to learn to drive. I wonder whether the passivity of the role suited her.

It was later after she had had us DCs that she recognised that not driving was trapping her. She could only get to shops if DF drove her (and he hated driving), she couldnt get a job unless she could walk to it. She was in her mid 40s when she finally learned to drive and then it was only because a friend of hers allowed DM to practice in her car.

I checked out the statistics, in 2010 80% of men and 66% of women held driving licences. Are men better at driving? Are there more opportunities for men to learn to drive? Is there less pressure on women to learn to drive?

Not necessarily relevant to this thread but IMO interesting to explore.

Sillylass79 · 05/07/2014 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugaryonthesurface · 05/07/2014 23:47

It isnt easy to pass the test either really is it?Luckily i passed second time but i practised my ass off with my dp in his car (scared to death id scuff his beloved wheel trims) but i know people who have taken five attempts and still not passed yet their instructor deemed them ready.Is the test easier in other countries?are the road systems easier?

Bunbaker · 05/07/2014 23:53

I would hate it if OH didn't drive. We often holiday in the UK and I would have been pretty pissed off if I couldn't have shared the 9 hour drive down to Cornwall.

My friend's PH doesn't drive and won't learn. It pisses her off a lot, especially when she had to get her 5 year old DD out of bed to run him to work in the middle of the night to deal with an emergency.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/07/2014 08:16

I would be fine if my car was gone, even though I can drive I don't really enjoy driving.

DH loves driving, there is never no arguments who is going to drive as he always drives.

In the uk we are not in a dictatorship, people have free choice in what they want to do. Driving is a choice.

angeltulips · 06/07/2014 08:28

It's one of those things - I don't know ANYONE irl that doesn't drive because they're too anxious/unconfident/scarred by childhood etc. I know a couple who don't drive for medical reasons (one legally blind, one dyspraxic) but apart from that everyone knows how to do it. Even if they don't run a car. Lots use car clubs to supplement pt and that works perfectly.

I do think it's odd not to drive. You don't need paid lessons - you learn with an experienced family and friends. I think people who say "oh well I never ASK for lifts" are emotionally manipulative - if you & your kids are walking through the pissing rain, of course I'm going to give you a lift. Doesn't change the fact that in most cases life would be easier if you just drove.

sanfairyanne · 06/07/2014 08:30

the test is a lot harder

our roads are some of the safest in the world

if people cant drive properly, they are a danger on the roads. even with our test, it is young newly qualified drivers who cause the most, and worst, accidents

MangoBiscuit · 06/07/2014 08:51

I don't drive. I'm 31, have 2 DCs, work part time, suffer from anxiety, and HATE driving. (I am planning to try lessons again though)

I do not expect DH to run me about anywhere. If I'm going out alone, I'll bus, walk, take a train etc. If we're going out as a family, or the DCs need running somewhere then DH drives. We share the childcare runs 50/50. DH does all the driving, I do nearly all the cooking.

I don't think your DH should learn to drive if he doesn't want to, that's not unreasonable of him. If he expects you to ferry him about, then that's BU. However, if you ran the DCs and him to their activity, then refused to pick them all up again as previously agreed, I think YABVU. Apologies if I've read your posts wrong there, but it sounds like you both took the DCs to an activity, he stayed with them so you didn't have to, then you went back on your plan to pick them all up again, without any discussion. In your DHs shoes I'd be pissed off too. I wouldn't refuse to take the DCs again though, but I'd make sure we had a set plan in place. Probably DH taking them and staying while I did housework, in our case, or me at least knowing that I'm bussing both ways.

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2014 08:53

I have wasted hundreds of pounds on driving lessons I just wasnt that into it meh driving isnt the b all, although I dont phone my dh or dd for constant lifts though my dh would have liked me to drive for my sake but he doesnt nag me about it,

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2014 09:04

To a pp who said non driving parents are manipulative dont be ridiculous thats your thing not theirs we are if its raining we are going to get wet we usually have jackets

NuggetofPurestGreen · 06/07/2014 09:04

angeltulips some people don't have experienced family members and friends at their beck and call to teach them how to drive. Also I really don't think it's a good idea not to have professional lessons. By all means practice with someone else once you have the basics down but it would have been incredibly stressful, not to mention dangerous, for me to have have gone driving with anyone other than driving instructor for first few months I was learning (dual control etc).

Also many people that don't get proper lessons end up with l the bad habits of the friend that's teaching them.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 06/07/2014 09:06

Not to mention access to a car! I had to buy a car in order to practice my driving as I didn't have any access to a car otherwise.

Mrsjayy · 06/07/2014 09:11

Least when im nipping to town on the bus idont have any hassle with car parks or queueing to get a space and when dd s were younger I managed to get them about without a car imo people are to reliant on their cars

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/07/2014 09:11

I been driving around 10 years, I would not feel confident teaching someone how to drive.

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