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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

219 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 04/07/2014 20:19

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm Hmm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

OP posts:
pigwitch · 04/07/2014 22:09

Dolcelatte - an ambulance would probably arrive quicker than I could drive to my nearest hospital.
I understand what your saying but i'm trying to explain that I would LOVE to be able to drive. I know that its more convenient etc. But to me it's like asking me to do a skydive or a bungyjump.

drudgetrudy · 04/07/2014 22:14

magpiegin

I forced myself for years, partly for work, partly because I didn't want to inconvenience other people. I still don't feel confident. I think I would actually be a danger now on a busy motorway.

I only drive at all now when not to would be a pain for someone else. I'm even a nervous passenger so don't enjoy being driven round "like the queen"
Some people just aren't cut out for driving.
If my partner were giving me lifts though I would try to make up for it by taking more responsibility for other jobs.

Valsoldknickers · 04/07/2014 22:25

My DH doesn't drive. I really resent it at times, especially as I'm nervous enough behind the wheel myself and would really appreciate a break from having to ferry the family about the whole time.

I can empathise so I feel YANBU.

sanfairyanne · 04/07/2014 22:34

are you back yet op? Grin

sugaryonthesurface · 04/07/2014 22:58

I dont believe that if you are an adult you SHOULD learn to drive. I couldve learnt at 17 but I didnt because I didnt really need to or feel like I was ready to.I just used buses and trains. I think if you are in a relationship in which one drives and the other doesnt then the driver shouldnt be taken for granted that theyll just drop everything and pick the other up at the drop of a hat.When I didnt drive I rarely asked for lifts and if I did I asked a good few days before and didnt expect people to drop their plans. Now I can appreciate after getting a car that it can be pretty annoying being asked for lifts all the time but I will do people a favour if they seem grateful.Anyone who takes the mick will be told to sod off!

sugaryonthesurface · 04/07/2014 22:59

Fwiw i was a anxious driver but ive overcome it slowly but surely and found confidence so there is hope!

EarthWindFire · 04/07/2014 23:03

There's nothing more unattractive than collecting your boyfriend for a date and not being able to have a drink because you're driving.

If a man came on here and said this about his girlfriend they would be shot down in flames!!!

sanfairyanne · 04/07/2014 23:25

because its almost always the woman who doesnt drive. its still culturally acceptable in some circles for women not to drive
a man who doesnt know how to drive is judged more harshly

whois · 04/07/2014 23:35

Grown adults who can't drive and who need to (excluding anyone with a medical reason yadda yadda yah) are exceedingly pathetic IMO.

RedSoloCup · 04/07/2014 23:40

I never wanted to learn to drive, my husband (then boyfriend) MADE me, best thing anyone has ever done for me ever.... I will be paying for all my kids lessons when the time comes even if it means taking on an extra job, not driving held me back sooo much :( .....

whatever5 · 04/07/2014 23:43

I don't think that people should be pressurised into driving. Not everyone can drive and some people feel too anxious to drive. Non drivers shouldn't expect lifts from drivers though. DH didn't drive until he was in his 30s and it wasn't an issue as he mostly walked/cycled or used public transport.

hamptoncourt · 04/07/2014 23:51

A friend of mine has a boyfriend like this - he can afford to drive, has had lessons etc but refuses to take test.

Reason in his case is because he is a big drinker and so it suits him to not be able to drive.

Driving would cut way too much into his drinking hobby.

cashmiriana · 04/07/2014 23:59

If DH and I couldn't drive, we wouldn't be able to live where we do - small town, poor transport links, most local villages (where friends and DCs' friends live) not served by any public transport.

We managed with one car between us when we lived in a bigger town, had buses and local trains into both the cities we commuted to, and no children.

My children's lives would be severely restricted if one of us didn't drive. If there was a medical reason, we'd have to manage, but it would be very very tough.

ScarlettOHorror · 05/07/2014 00:04

I have had hundreds of lessons and can't do it, I am dyspraxic and I am finally accepting it isn't going to happen. I thought I could make it work if I tried extra hard but it's just impossible for me. My husband has never had any lessons and we don't have a car. Fine with me as we live by good transport links.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/07/2014 00:11

My DH doesn't drive but we live in London and don't need a car. I find driving and everything to do with cars beyond dull but drive on holiday if needed - it would be nice not to have to but it's bit much if an issue since it only happens a couple of times a year.
He would learn if he needed to, though, and wouldn't expect someone else to ferry him around, whereas OP's husband sounds as though he does.

McFox · 05/07/2014 00:12

My DH doesn't drive either and I really couldn't give a toss. He makes his own way everywhere and I'm often the one pressing him to let me pick him up. He doesn't need to drive for his commute or his job, and we live in the centre of a large city with excellent transport options. I can't see why he should learn, although he does want to, but it's in no way a priority for either of us.

As for it being a life skill, what a load of bollocks. It's surely much safer for the roads to be populated by people who want to drive and are confident at it than it would if they were full of folk who didn't want to/were scared etc? And as for respecting someone because they can drive, err weird...

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 00:17

Grown adults who can't drive and who need to (excluding anyone with a medical reason yadda yadda yah) are exceedingly pathetic IMO.

That's a sweeping and ill thought out statement.

I have no medical reason not to drive but I am ridiculously dangerous behind the wheel and have failed two tests quite spectacularly. After hundreds of hours of tuition and a terror and hatred of driving, I decided to leave it.

Also- a two hour lesson costs around £40. If you had only one lesson a week it would cost £160 a week. Not everyone has that spare and not everyone learns in just a few months.

I do get sick of the non driver bashing on MN. Not everyone has to drive. In fact there are a lot of people on the roads who probably shouldn't drive.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 00:20

Oh and OP YABU- stop sulking and go and pick your kids up!

WoodliceCollection · 05/07/2014 00:24

Do you not have public transport where you are? We have buses and that's a small village in North Wales, so I thought they would have got to most places by now... I don't see why he should have to learn to drive if he doesn't want to (I couldn't afford to until in my 30s, could only afford odd lessons when I was with ex, jobs paid for mortgage and food not extras, and actually I think a lot of people have similar experiences or are not ready to learn as teenagers, but some people may never be ready), but he should be old enough to get a bus or a taxi or walk somewhere if needs be.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 05/07/2014 00:38

OP YANBU and I say that as a non driver.

I'm single and get myself around by public transport and walking. When the DC were younger they came on pt or walked with me, still do. It won't do your DH or your DC any harm to walk or use pt.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2014 00:45

I don't drive, but then I don't mind acknowledging I'm pathetic, unattractive and lacking in life skills in general Grin

I can 'drive' (although never even tried taking the practical test thingy), I just don't want to, mostly because I don't want the responsibility and I can live my life without it. DH loves driving and is a real petrolhead, I think it'd proper fuck him up if I started taking an interest all of a sudden Grin

He is 'expected' to drive I suppose just because I don't, but it's never come up that he feels put upon by being the only driver. There are things I can do that he can't, but it doesn't make me think he's not pulling his weight because he can't.

If your DH has got to 40 and hasn't passed his test yet you're maybe going to have to accept that he doesn't want to and isn't going to. Is it possible for you to work round that?

Bogeyface · 05/07/2014 01:29

YABU to expect him to learn to drive whether he wants to or not. H cant drive and it pisses me off that holidays etc always mean hours of driving for me while he reads or sleeps or whatever.

But, YANBU to tell him to stroll on if he wants lifts. He has chosen to not learn, he doesnt get the benefits without the effort. Ok if he is ill or there is no transport where he is but expecting a lift home (and given the timing of your post I suspect he had been out for a drink) because he doesnt want to pay for a taxi is not on. H never does that, he will ask if I will give him a lift but if I cant or dont want to then it is not an issue at all.

HillyHolbrook · 05/07/2014 01:49

I can't drive. It makes me very stressed, and I especially couldn't drive DP or our baby around as I worry I'll kill us all. I keep trying to learn but I just hate it.

I would take automatic lessons but we can't afford a second car and DP likes driving manual. He likes driving full stop and doesn't mind doing it. YABU to 'expect' your DH to learn if he doesn't want to.

Howver, YANBU to not want to go get him, especially if it's in walking distance or something. I rarely ask DP for lifts, I use public transport or walk and only have him come get me if the weather is bad or I don't feel well etc, though I know when the baby is born he won't have me dragging her on busses if he's available to take us where we need to go. Why don't you want to fetch him and the DC? I assume it isn't like him wanting you to be his taxi home from the pub!

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2014 02:04

So pleased that my dh didn't have the op's attitude when I didn't drive.

He was happy to pick me & his dc up when we needed it!

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 02:18

If he is too scared to take a test then it its probably better for everyone that he is not in the roads as a driver. But he can't expect there always to be lifts available.

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