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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

219 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 04/07/2014 20:19

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm Hmm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 08:14

Still don't know how old the children are though. They should expect their parents to work as a team to manage their transport until they are old enough to cope alone.
I regard being able to use public transport and to be able to walk three or four miles as life skills.
Driving is very useful; not being able to drive limits your work choices and life choices, but I've never found it to be a source of resentment in my relationship. A PP is correct to say that it is far more culturally unacceptable for a man to be a non-driver.
Would she care to look out for all the many female posters who mention not driving, and point out what useless and annoying specimens they are and what a burden they place on their partners by being so incapable?

Original poster
SisterMcKenzie · 05/07/2014 08:24

The children are 7 and 12 so not babies. We also live in a big city with good transport.
He doesnt seem nervous about driving at all and can't give me an answer as to why he won't.

Looks like I'm still in trouble, DH is giving me the big back and pushing me away...

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 05/07/2014 08:25

Don't let his big Sulking get to you or nothing will change.

Tell him straight what your reasons for Not picking him up are.

Can you tell us too. Im curious

Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 08:29

7 is still too young, but at 12 they should be able to walk up to three miles with footpaths or pavements and take a bus or a train up to around 6pm, unless they have additional needs or you live in a very dodgy area.
By 14 or 15, your children should be able to handle their own transport most of the time.
You don't need to provide transport for him, if he can't drive then he could get a bike, or walk and use public transport. My OH is pushing 60 and manages fine.

Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 08:30

How did your children get home? Do they also share in your resentment?

Original poster
SisterMcKenzie · 05/07/2014 08:33

I guess to make some sort of stand.
I dropped them of at an activity, went home and did some house work that needed doing.
The activity is two hours long, its seems a waste of time two of us hanging around.
He now doesn't want the kids to do the activity unless I drop off and pick up.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 08:36

That's unfair, taking turns to get them to the activity is how we'd have done it. He's being an arse about that.

Original poster
SisterMcKenzie · 05/07/2014 08:39

By bus.
Erm do they share in my resentment, odd question. Nope I don't complain to them about their not driving.
The youngest loves getting on buses as it's such a novelty. Being driven by mummy is routine and boring.

OP posts:
Thefishewife · 05/07/2014 08:40

I find the op actually horrible my fiends ex husband used to do this

It would be pissing with rain dark out side, and I would get a a text saying can you pick me up from my friend she and baby would be drenched and cold while he husband was sitting by the fire at home

Joysmum · 05/07/2014 08:41

I see driving as a life skill, just as swimming, riding a bike or cooking is (all be it a lot more expensive to learn).

My DD will be getting driving lessons as soon as she is old enough. None of my step family drive and it is very limiting on the jobs they can go for as well as everything else in life.

Some may see that as spoiling DD but I see it as essential.

sanfairyanne · 05/07/2014 08:47

whats the problem with getting the bus back?

slightlyconfused85 · 05/07/2014 09:14

Yanbu. It is really annoying when able adults cannot drive and more irritating when there are children to ferry about and you have to do it all.

hamptoncourt · 05/07/2014 09:32

Well if he doesn't want to drive he will have to use public transport won't he? As there doesn't seem to be an issue with transport availability he will have to suck it up.

OP you live with this man, do you genuinely have no idea why he refuses to drive? Is he a drinker? Does he have anxiety issues? Is it a control thing?

clicketyclick66 · 05/07/2014 09:40

I live in the country with no public transport and amazingly everybody drives. I've been driving for 20 years. I'm a very nervous driver when driving in big towns and cities, and have only recently driving there with the help of a sat nav (the best invention ever!).

If neither of us drove, we wouldn't be able to go to work (his work is 25 miles away, and mine is 10 miles in another direction!). And our children's activities take place in different counties every weekend. When I was SAHM I wouldn't have been able to take my children to the doctor, I would have depended on others.

It's different if you live in an area with public transport, I lived in London in the early 90s but when I moved to the sticks in Ireland I had no choice but to learn to drive much though I hated it as I am a very nervous and easily intimidated driver. But it was sink or swim!

Just saying that when you are faced with NO choice you will do it not matter how not suited to driving you are.

If OPs DH even just stuck to driving in familiar areas he would quickly become confident if he stuck to driving to the essential places - practice makes perfect.

OP, YADNBU.

Gillian1980 · 05/07/2014 09:42

My DH is a biker and has never taken his car test. Never been an issue to us as a couple. But now we're TTC I've asked him to take his car test as I really don't want to be the only one able to drive the whole family around.

If he had a genuine reason not to then I wouldn't push him but if he said no without a reason I'd be annoyed.

I don't think you're being unreasonable unless he has a good reason for not wanting to which you're not taking on board.

Vintagejazz · 05/07/2014 09:53

YANBU. Adults who can't drive, with no good reason, can often be a complete nuisance at worst, and no help at best. It's not just needing lifts themselves, it's the fact that someone else has to ferry the kids around, bring elderly parents to hospital appointments, be the one to not drink, all the bloody time.

QisforQcumber · 05/07/2014 10:08

Can you teach him OP?

Driving is a life skill, but it's also a bloody expensive one! DH taught me, I drove as much as possible whilst I saved up for what we dubbed "refinement" lessons with an instructor and passed within a couple of months.

Notso · 05/07/2014 10:15

DH has a company car, I wouldn't be allowed to drive it. Even if I was I would only be able to drive it before 6:00 am, after around 7-7:30 and on Sundays as DH would be using it for work the rest of the time.
It wouldn't make much difference to our lives at the moment.

I feel a bit gutted that people obviously think I am lazy, unreasonable, pathetic and a nuisance.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/07/2014 10:19

The idea that everyone can/should drive is nonsense.

There are a number of people who should not be on the roads, they just can't do it (or they can't do it well). The people with enough sense to stay off the roads should not be criticised. The people who can't do it and drive anyway, those people are the ones we should be moaning about.

Life is significantly easier if you can drive. If someone can't drive or doesn't drive there is probably good reason for that. I'm sure in some cases it's laziness, but I bet they are in the small minority.

If more people who lack the skills needed for driving abstained we'd all be a lot happier and safer when driving.

Sallystyle · 05/07/2014 10:29

I passed my test last year at the age of 32. I am pretty sure I am no less pathetic now than I was last year when I couldn't drive Hmm

For me, I was scared. I thought I would kill everyone and believed I couldn't do it. In the end after 6 months of 4 hours a week of lessons and 4 tests I did it.

Learning to drive has probably been one of the best things I ever done for my confidence and independence but it was also very scary and it took a few months after I passed to not get anxiety over it.

I respect people who don't learn because they know they will be a danger and I have every sympathy for those who are so anxious about it they can't do it.

My husband learnt to drive at the age of 17 but we didn't have a car until last year and we managed very well not having one with five children. Things are easier with a car but we managed fine without one too.

I think you are being a bit U op. I would just see this as a part of being a partnership as well.

aprilanne · 05/07/2014 10:36

OP your hubby i suppose shouldnt expect lifts .the bus won,t hurt .but people saying he isnt pulling his weight are being stupid .i mean i don,t drive .but all the housework and most of the childcare are my reponsibility .so driving is hardly a big thing .my parents never drove but it never stopped us going anywhere .

JoeyMaynardsghost · 05/07/2014 11:05

I see driving as a life skill, just as swimming, riding a bike or cooking is (all be it a lot more expensive to learn).

Good thing I'm quite a good cook then or I would have absolutely no life skills at all! Grin

Because of this, I have encouraged my DD to learn and she is a fabulous swimmer, can ride a bike and is currently learning to drive. Cooking? She can ping a ready meal.

I have spent nearly a thousand pounds on driving lessons over the years and remain petrified as soon as I get behind the wheel. I go into a blind panic (no idea why) and wouldn't be able to tell you my name if you asked me. Luckily my partner doesn't mind driving and is happy to drive me if I need to go anywhere but I walk everywhere without a thought.

FraidyCat · 05/07/2014 11:19

The financial side might not apply for the OP's dh but it does apply to many (I'd think most) people who can't drive.

I agree my analogy with cooking was imperfect, but finances are irrelevant as that wasn't the point I was responding to. I was responding to the idea (from more than one poster) that people are entitled not to acquire a skill for no other reason than they don't want to.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/07/2014 11:26

Just to add, we choose not to have a car because even DH could drive, we wouldn't use it enough to justify the expense - neither of us could use it for work so it would sit outside for five days a week at least. The corollary of this rational economic decision is that we accept we'll have to cough up for cabs from time to time, which the OPs partner should also do.

EBearhug · 05/07/2014 11:38

I think you are being unreasonable in that even if he could drive, you might only be able to afford to run one car, so one of you might still need to ask for lifts from time to time.

Having said that, if he's refusing to take the children to places by bus and expects you to do all the ferrying around because he can't be arsed to use public transport or the occasional taxi, then he's being unreasonable.

I know people who have never learnt to drive, but they arrange their lives accordingly, and that means lots of buses and trains.

I think in this case, unless there's a good reason for him not driving (and "never got round to taking a test" isn't, longer term,) I'd be asking him to take driving lessons.