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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

219 replies

SisterMcKenzie · 04/07/2014 20:19

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm Hmm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

OP posts:
Xcountry · 05/07/2014 11:41

I don't think its unreasonable. Not being able to drive would be a deal breaker for me at that age really. I passed at 17, DH passed at 22 because he was at uni and in the city he didn't see the point - he saw the point when I refused to come and pick him up or take his son to see him and swiftly pulled the finger out.

Goblinchild · 05/07/2014 11:42

'I feel a bit gutted that people obviously think I am lazy, unreasonable, pathetic and a nuisance.'

As long as your family and friends are more tolerant, don't put any time into worrying what a bunch of random critics on the net think.
Does your DH care? Is he putting pressure on you to learn?

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/07/2014 11:47

Driving lessons are far too expensive to be considered a 'life skill'. Maybe they should offer them free or subsidised at school? It's wildly unfair to have something that is so essential completely out of reach for many people.

Notso · 05/07/2014 12:29

Goblin thanks but sadly I do get the impression that is what most drivers think. Everyone just assumes I drive especially as DH has a pretty good job.
DH used to encourage me before he got the company car, now he just says there is no point as we can't run two cars.
He rarely has to give me lifts because he isn't here to do it. I walk to the supermarket to do shopping, get the bus to kids parties etc if possible. If we go out we get taxis but we would probably do that anyway because we are both going out so would both want a drink.
We do miss out on trips because I can't drive. The holidays are pretty boring because most Mum friends arrange trips far away that are not practical for us. I never ask for lifts. There would be no point anyway, I have 4 DC so no one would have the space. If someone offers to take one of the DC and if I accept I offer to pay for their DC's entry for example. I do wish people would arrange things a bit closer to home sometimes but I never say so.
Family usually tell me off if they find out I have bussed it with the kids when I could have asked for lifts.

Xcountry · 05/07/2014 12:48

Its not feasible in some places not to drive though. It may be ok in a city where transport is regular and theres an alternative way to travel. Where I live its almost a mile to the bus stop and the bus is only every hour and a half during the day and evenings and sundays two and a half hours. Bus is regularly cancelled due to weather/ terrain issues and the nearest shop is 2 miles away and only open 6 till 4 or something.

The next town is 6 miles away but I think its actually nearer 8 from my house. DH and I tried sharing a car (my truck) but couldn't because the bastard kept using all my diesel so I evicted him from it. Taxi isn't possible, theres one firm - its extortionate and none of their cars (of which there are 4) would make it up the road to our village in any season that isn't summer.

mumeeee · 05/07/2014 12:55

YABU not everyone is able to drive. I did try to learn when I was younger and also tried again a bit later when my husband tried to teach me. but just didn't get on with it. I did however just walk a lot or take my DDs to various activities by bus.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/07/2014 13:01

Then people who can't drive can't live there xcountry, just like people who can't swim can't be lifeguards. Just because there are some places where driving is almost essential it doesn't change the fact that some people cannot or should not drive.

KneesoftheBee · 05/07/2014 13:01

I don't drive and make no apologies for it.

I am most excellent at getting on public transport.

mumeeee · 05/07/2014 13:08

I actually don't think that driving is a life skill. Only my oldest DD can drive and she didn't learn until she was 25. I think a life skill is learning to get your self to places by walking or using Public transport.

MyLegIsHaunted · 05/07/2014 13:20

I don't drive, the thought of it absolutely terrifies me.
It may have something to do with being pulled out through the window of a flipped car by a fireman when I was 5..

I hate when people make a big deal out of me not driving. I'm saving money, I'm not polluting the air with petrol fumes, my kids and I walk to and from school every day (and it's a long walk) so they are getting plenty of exercise. When my daughter did gymnastics we walked there and back. If it rains my mum will drive us, but because she wants to, my dd has a bus pass to get to school.

My mum also drives us to dad's swimming lessons, because she wants to watch him. If she's on holiday or whatever, we get on the bus.

I walk to do the groceries, if I want to go to one of the big shopping centres I get on the bus or train.

My DH doesn't have a problem with me not driving, he's quite happy we don't have two cars to pay for! And he l

pancakesfortea · 05/07/2014 13:20

I can't drive. It's brilliant. I do live in London but have also lived in other places and it just hasn't been a problem.

Many of my friends drive and it just seems to be an.endless stream of stress and hassle. And costs a fortune.

Occasionally friends give me lifts - normally home from their houses, which are a bit awkward by bus. I can't directly reciprocate but I do lots of things for them that they can't reciprocate. Life isn't a series of contractual exchanges - I see it as a big pot of goodwill that we contribute to when we can.

MyLegIsHaunted · 05/07/2014 13:22

Oops

He loves the long drives when we go on holidays, it relaxes him Smile

I don't think he'd ever complain about having to pick me or the kids up if we needed him to Hmm

Sillylass79 · 05/07/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notso · 05/07/2014 14:24

Xcountry I lived somewhere similar though not quite as bad growing up (we could get taxis but not in snow and walk to shops. Buses were every hour) it didn't make my parents have more money to buy me driving lessons or me earn more at 17 to buy them myself. It just made me move.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 14:30

Xcountry, many non drivers normally don't choose to live miles from public transport if they can possibly help it.

We chose our house location because I can't drive and DH supports that. I would never choose to live out in the country and then complain I couldn't drive. I make it work for me. The kids are fit as they are used to walking everywhere.

I think that as a nation we are way too dependent on cars anyway.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 14:31

Driving lessons are far too expensive to be considered a 'life skill'. Maybe they should offer them free or subsidised at school? It's wildly unfair to have something that is so essential completely out of reach for many people.

I agree. It's extortionate.

MissBattleaxe · 05/07/2014 14:36

I have spent nearly a thousand pounds on driving lessons over the years and remain petrified as soon as I get behind the wheel. I go into a blind panic (no idea why) and wouldn't be able to tell you my name if you asked me. Luckily my partner doesn't mind driving and is happy to drive me if I need to go anywhere but I walk everywhere without a thought.

I am exactly the same. Do people honestly think that people that scared should be drivers? I don't and I'm one of them. Not everyone is safe, including a lot of people who have passed their tests.

GnomeDePlume · 05/07/2014 14:36

When everything is fine then I guess not driving isnt a problem.

However...

Just how many times do we read on MN of posters in abusive relationships stuck in the middle of nowhere who cannot get out because they cant drive?

Not being able to drive can (not saying does) leave people (and especially women) trapped and vulnerable.

FryOneFatManic · 05/07/2014 14:50

While I feel that driving is a very useful skill, I also feel not everyone is suited to driving.

I've also heard that in big cities like London, where the public transport is so good, fewer people are learning to drive. Don't blame them while they've got the good transport availability.

My own mum would be a disaster on the road. She has a genuine ability to mix up left and right and simply would not have the confidence to drive.

She told me that she'd had a few lessons when she was young, and the instructor basically said not to bother, she simply can't co-ordinate effectively.

On the other hand, if you don't learn to drive, you shouldn't be expecting lifts from everyone else.

The OP's DH is in a place where there's good transport, but wants the OP to be available to ferry him around. And is now whinging that the DCs shouldn't do the activity unless OP drives them to and fro. And sulking, something just so childish.

There's no reason why they couldn't have caught a bus.

TheHouseCleaner · 05/07/2014 17:21

"I see driving as a life skill, just as swimming, riding a bike or cooking is"

You'd love me, Joysmum. I swim very poorly, hate it with a passion, haven't done it for decades and have neither desire, need or intention of doing it ever again.

I only learned to ride a bike in my mid-thirties when I move out of my home city and into another and it became to my advantage to do it. Londoners with more than two brain cells do not cycle. Grin

I can cook, after a fashion, but am not particularly good at it. (Beans on toast, anyone? Grin )

I can drive. I like driving and would consider myself fairly good at it. I don't drive though. I don't want to. This is despite that I live in a semi-rural area with very poor, infrequent transport links.

Regardless of being lacking in these "life skills" I manage to live a very happy, fulfilled life.

OutragedFromLeeds · 05/07/2014 18:45

Exactly Gnome, so that would suggest that the majority of people that don't drive, CAN'T. Rather than being just lazy lift scroungers.

sugaryonthesurface · 05/07/2014 18:51

I do not see why its necessary for everyone.I couldve not learnt last year and still got a bus etc and sometimes i look around and think omg how many cars are there around here!Listening to my gran telling me how fine they coped without a car makes me think a car really is a luxury.Id hardly class it as a life skill,more to make things convenient.

ScouseBird8364 · 05/07/2014 19:43

At the risk of sounding really shallow, I couldn't be with a man who couldn't drive, major turn off imo Sad I also drive, so it's not to drive me around etc, but it screams of a lack of ambition to me Confused

OneLittleToddleTerror · 05/07/2014 19:49

YANBU. If you live somewhere that you can't live without a car, then it's unreasonable not to be able to drive. Tbh that's a deal breaker for me too since we do live in a place without much public transport.

And there is no reason someone can't drive unless he is disable. I have never ever met anyone who can't drive before I came to the UK. It is just unheard of. Everyone has a drivers license. It is all in the mind that people here think of as a hard thing to do.

Phineyj · 05/07/2014 20:15

I can understand why people don't drive if they don't have to (I don't much enjoy driving and would never book a foreign holiday that relied on my needing to drive) but I lean towards it being a useful life skill - it opens up a wider choice of jobs and means less relying on other people. Also, driving licences don't expire (or not till you're 70 when you have to be retested I think)? so I don't really get why people with the financial means don't get the licence just in case -- you can always refresh your skills later n. I think the problem with your DP not driving when you have DC is you can feel like your DP's mum as well as they are dependent on you. There is no need to get expensive lessons if you can convince a patient friend or family member to teach you. I learnt from my DM after a couple of driving instructors and my DF had got fed up with my great lack of ability. Frankly, if I can pass, most people can. I also have a friend and a relation who drive despite very poor eyesight (fully corrected with glasses/lenses) - both would have much more difficult lives if they didn't. One of them learnt in his 30s and given that his DM can't drive, is in poor health and lives in a village, it's just as well for her, isn't it!