AIBU to think DH should have learned to drive?

[SisterMcKenzie]

He's pissed off with me because I'm not going to pick him up and the DC now.
I'm been guilted out by text atm

It's been 7 years at least since I bought him driving lessons.

His dad gave him numerous driving lessons 20 years back.

I passed my test at 17.

AIBU to think at over 40 he should have equal responsibility for driving?
btw we both work hours and earn similar hours

Driving is a life skill - it's also difficult (for some) and expensive.

My husband and I didn't pass our tests until we were in our thirties. I had lessons in a manual when I was 17 but had no confidence and little money for a decent amount of lessons.

At uni and in my twenties we lived together in cities where driving was not necessary. In our late twenties we just had enough money for one of us to drive - husband went first for no particular reason but it took him a lot of money, stop-start lessons and a couple of years to get up to test level.

Then we were broke again and tbh I only learnt because my son was ill when my husband was away and I realised I had no way of getting to an Out of Hours GP without an expensive taxi (ie it really is a useful life skill!).

I started learning in an auto (no shame!) and passed within six months. We now share long journeys and I do a lot of pootling around town, but my husband does most drives as the car is his (for work).

However I would still say driving does not come naturally to me. I don't enjoy it as such. I am safe though. But I totally get why some people don't need to drive (ie live in places with good transport) or can't drive (anxiety). If people can't be bothered and it would help their family, then I can also understand frustration with that.

It should definitely be a lot cheaper. When I was learning in an auto it was £25 per hour!

Yes driving is a life skill I agree with that dd learned to drive at 17 but its not a necessity

There's no 2 wars about it, being able to drive gives more opportunities and not being able to drive limits your life choices.

Therefore I believe that to get the best from life it's best to be able to drive. I've seen how my step family and my father in law were affected, and affected the life of others around them by not being able to drive. My SIL can drive but is too anxious to drive. Perhaps I'm more adamant because the majority of my loved ones don't drive and I see first hand how limiting it is?

Of course it's expensive, of course there are done who simply aren't going to be able or good at driving, but it's still an advantage to drive.

As a driver, it's easier for me to drive for 15 mins than it is for my family to get public transport so as much as they don't mind public transport, it's rude for a driver not to offer!

Even if you have a relative to teach you to drive imo you still need an instructor,everyone developes bad habits which can be passed on and you have to get it spot on to pass.My dp went out in car with me and it made me more stressed!

I think people who say "oh well I never ASK for lifts" are emotionally manipulative - if you & your kids are walking through the pissing rain, of course I'm going to give you a lift. Doesn't change the fact that in most cases life would be easier if you just drove.

Rubbish- non drivers are not manipulative. If it's raining we get wet or get a taxi. The kids didn't melt and I expect nothing from others.

I agree with pp that it isn't about your DH not being able to drive, it's his entitlement that's the problem.

I couldn't really give a fuck whether other people choose to drive or not. However it's foolish to say that life isn't easier if you do drive. My husband has to go to a hospital 60 miles away from where we live. The only way to get from here would take about 3 hours by public transport when you take into account the different buses and trams you'd have to get, waiting in between them and walking at each end. And then you'd get to do it all again coming home. He has occasional inpatient stays for a few weeks and I'd hate to be reliant on other people taking me to and from hospital, and running to their schedule. My in-laws insisted on taking me one day to give me a break from driving and it was really stressful as I couldn't come and go as I normally would.
But then if other people choose to do all that over driving then that's their call. As long as people don't expect me to ferry them about then I don't care!!

FWIW I also wouldn't have collected the DH in the OP either.

i cant drive its a pita personally but we cant afford lessons for me when we can i will take them then all we need to do is afford a second car for me (lets just get my license first )

angeltulips, I live 300 miles away from family and friends (my parents won't sit in with a learner driver anyway, I've asked about ten years ago), and who's going to look after the DC while dh teaches me to drive? I don't think it's legal to take them with us with a learner driving.

Doesn't change the fact that in most cases life would be easier if you just drove.

yes, my life would be a million times easier but it's not really inconveniencing anybody else - I either can't get somewhere, or catch the bus if it's too far to walk. It's a PITA when buses aren't very frequent but a PITA for me, nobody else (except perhaps the children but the advantage is that they do a lot more walking than they would if I drove). It would be brilliant if I could drive but it just isn't possible for the forseeable future.

I think people who say"oh well I never ASK for lifts" are emotionally manipulative- if you & your kids are walking through the pudding rain of course I'm going to give you a lift

So let me get this straight, ask for a lift and be labelled cheeky and annoying.
Don't ask for a lift and be labelled emotionally manipulative.
What are non drivers meant to do then stay in so as not to offend the superior driving masses?
What if I learn to drive but still can't afford a car? Can I go out then?

"being able to drive gives more opportunities and not being able to drive limits your life choices"

Very true. We chose to live where we do because we both drive. Getting to work is a PITA using public transport. Also, DD has a had several health issues over the years that required several visits to the children's hospital. Without a car it would have been extremely difficult.

I feel sad at the number of threads I see on MN from parents who have a medical emergency or other crisis that they can't deal with because they don't drive.

I feel sad at the number of threads I see on MN from parents who have a medical emergency or other crisis that they can't deal with because they don't drive.

But many non drivers manage. If the only people who could get to hospitals were able drivers with a car then we'd be in a right pickle. What about drivers who can't drive because they're not sober? Or drivers who's cars are off the road?

There is always a way to cope.

Also many non drivers do not choose to live out of town. Many non drivers never miss driving because they have never driven. It's usually drivers who can't imagine life without their cars that make such a fuss about other people not driving.

I feel sad at the number of threads I see on MN from parents who have a medical emergency or other crisis that they can't deal with because they don't drive.

I feel sad about the number of drivers who drive to the gym to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill and then drive home again.

What medical emergency needs a car if a kid is that ill you phone an ambulance or get ataxi

My parents didnt dont drive im disabled I was never away from a hospital when I was a kid life goes on if you dont drive

I second HopefulHamster with the brilliance of learning with an automatic if you have failed or find driving difficult.

My husband didn't start learning til he was in his mid-30's because he lived in cities and we didn't need a car. When we moved to the countryside, he desperately needed a car to get to work as public transport was patchy, also there are far more places you can take the children with a car.

His attempts at passing with a manual were a disaster, I don't know if he just left it too late in life to have some clue about roadcraft but he couldn't seem to concentrate on gear changing as well as the road. He failed his manual test with 26 faults.

He then gave it a rest for a year or so and then took up with a manual and immediately got the hang of it. He passed easily and then took advanced driving lessons which were free with ROSPA (I think) to really improve further.

Our family car is now an automatic to save money and I love it too, much more relaxing than a manual.

I didn't drive for about 10 years at one stage and was terrified to drive again, but got a job where I had to drive long distanced, after about a week the utter terror had gone and I'm now fine driving.

I think the vast majority of people, if they want to, can learn to drive- our new jobs depended on it so we found a way. There may be a tiny tiny minority to whom this doesn't apply but nothing like the large numbers of women who don't drive.

That should say 'took up with an automatic and immediately got the hang of it'.

Be nice if we could edit posts!

"I feel sad about the number of drivers who drive to the gym to ride a stationery bike or walk on a treadmill and then drive home again"

I agree.

The medical emergencies are ones that the posters think don't warrant an ambulance, but still require fairly urgent medical attention. I often read of people in untenable situations where having access to a car and being able to drive it would help enormously. I can't give specific examples though.

I am laughing at the idea most people can learn to drive with a friend and then pass the test

I did a lot of lessons with my husband as well. For one, he has a crap teacher and that ended up with him getting frustrated when I didn't understand something and no one who has been driving for years drive the way you have to to pass the test. If anyone has passed their test in the last couple of years they would know that another driver is very unlikely to be able to teach a new driver to the standards that the test expect. People get into bad habits and even I don't drive the same way I did when I was taught and I only passed last year.

Also, I would have hated someone to teach me at the start with no dual controls. There was a few times I would have had an accident if my instructor didn't have dual controls or wasn't experienced enough to see me about to do something wrong quickly and grab the wheel. I think it is dangerous for a brand new driver to be out on the main road without dual controls and you don't learn to drive on main roads until you actually do it. It scares me to think there might be brand new drivers on busy roads who have very little experience and no dual controls.

I only allowed dh to 'teach' me on main roads once I was safe enough to not need dual controls. That was pretty awful though. He would end up getting grumpy if I took too long at a roundabout. Not everyone can teach.

I think the vast majority of people, if they want to, can learn to drive- our new jobs depended on it so we found a way. There may be a tiny tiny minority to whom this doesn't apply but nothing like the large numbers of women who don't drive.

Exactly this. The number of non-drivers in the UK does not reflect the population that couldn't actually drive for physical reasons. If you look at say this statistics in the US from 2011
www.fhwa.dot.gov/policyinformation/pubs/hf/pl11028/chapter4.cfm

The number of licensed drivers per 1,000 residents differs significantly from state to state, ranging from 580 licensed drivers per 1,000 state residents in New York to 864 licensed drivers per 1,000 residents in Indiana.

So 86.4% of residents of Indiana are drivers. If you exclude children, the elderly, the disabled, etc etc, you'd be looking at most adults having a drivers license. That's my experience in NZ. I don't know anyone who couldn't drive.

I'm amazed that not asking for a lift is "emotionally manipulative" - believe me, plenty of people have no qualms about driving past someone walking in the pissing rain! Also - I used to walk in the rain before I had a car, and sometimes I still do it now. Is it still emotionally manipulative to walk in the rain if I have a car at home, or is it just if I have no other choice?

And there is no reason someone can't drive unless he is disable. I have never ever met anyone who can't drive before I came to the UK.

Yes, this sums up my childhood (outside the UK) as well. An adult who couldn't drive would be housebound, except to the extent they had a relative to chauffer them. And virtually the whole country was like that, this wasn't just people who lived rurally.

Driving was a more essential life skill than being able to read and write.

I'm bemused by the alleged expense/difficulty of learning to drive here. When I learned to drive it never crossed my mind to pay for lesson. I already had a motorcycle licence, and thought half-an-hour in an empty supermarket car park with my mother, learning to master a car clutch, was sufficient driving instruction. Then I just practised by driving everywhere. (Think it must have been legal to drive on my own with a learner licence, I certainly remember driving on my own to the test centre.)

I did take a handful of lessons before my British driving test, just to polish my skills. It did take me two attempts to pass, failed first time due to cluelessness at roundabouts.

If the OP's DH doesn't think driving is an essential life skill, then he needs to get children to/from their activity by some other means. Not dump the task on her or give up on the activity.

OP - YANBU. I agree with AngelTulips - why should the OP have to drive all the time just because her DH can't be bothered to learn? Always be the sober one? Always the one who has to drive to A&E in the middle of the night? Always the one to collect kids from evening activites? It's just not a fair division of a basic task.

I live in the USA (am British) and I have never come across this here. So many places are completely inaccessible without a car. I'd say that applies for pretty much anywhere in the UK that isn't a major city/transport hub too.