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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies Blush.

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby Blush. They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:
WeirdCatLady · 03/07/2014 20:52

The cloak I understand but surely a slightly tatty dress wouldn't be a problem? (I wouldn't send him in wearing a new outfit as he'll probably come home with paint on it)
Surely, if he wants to wear it, then that is all that matters?

But if you really think it's a bad idea, how about sending him with a tshirt and shorts to change into?

Annunziata · 03/07/2014 20:53

I think the teacher has enough to be bothered about without having to deal with a cloak!

You've said no, that should be the end of the matter.

boomoohoo · 03/07/2014 20:54

You are not bu by involving teacher, no. It is good to have their backing on things. I must say tho in my dd's school (she's in reception too) on the own clothes day they had, there were princesses and superheros galore! So I'm not sure if the teacher will be in a position to say no..

RoganJosh · 03/07/2014 20:54

They do machine wash ok, on a gentle cycle. Not really answering your question, though, sorry!

YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 20:54

You are the parent and he is 4/5 at most. I would speak to him yourself.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/07/2014 20:55

I think you can involve the teacher by finding out what the day entails and if there's a health/safety risk. If there isn't you might find they have little professional opinion.

Do other friends know he does this? If so then that's massively different to him rocking up and they are she'll shocked. I don't think it's a bad idea. I'm not entirely convinced it's a good one either.

I feel for you op.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/07/2014 20:55

Grr shell not she'll!!!!

sonlypuppyfat · 03/07/2014 20:56

Why drag the poor teacher into this madness, cloaks!

Floggingmolly · 03/07/2014 20:56

Agree, he should be able to accept a no from you. and it should definitely be a no

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 03/07/2014 20:56

Maybe others are planning to dress up...?

WeirdCatLady · 03/07/2014 20:57

I suspect the teacher won't give a monkeys what he wears.

AllDirections · 03/07/2014 20:57

I can't see a problem with you checking with his teacher but I also can't see a problem with you telling your DS that it's a non-uniform day which means normal clothes but not dressing up. FWIW I wouldn't let my DDs wear long princess dresses to school even on dressing up days for safety reasons.

I've always washed dressing up clothes (including princess dresses) in the machine and they've always been fine.

whois · 03/07/2014 20:57

Don't involve the teacher FFS, you wouldn't run to her because DS won't eat his peas or go to bed on time. You're his parent, you tell him and stick to it. If it's not suitable it's not suitable. Not everything needs to be a big long discussion about exactly why he can't do something.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/07/2014 20:58

You need to tell him, it's your rule, so you enforce it. I think you're probably right from a practicality point of view so it's fine to just say no! Do you anticipate a tantrum?

erin99 · 03/07/2014 20:59

Can you not just clarify with the teacher whether they can wear dressing up clothes or not? And with the girls' parents what their DDs will be wearing?

If the true reason is the grubbiness then YABU to expect the teacher to lay down the law on a rule that you have invented. We limit dressing up clothes to indoors and outside mealtimes. Cuts down the grubbiness a lot. And what is the teacher meant to say to your DS if, on the day, any of the girls turn up in a Frozen dress? If he knows the rule comes from you, you can say it's ok for Olivia because her mum said so, but we said no because yours are too muddy / you'd get too hot / it might get damaged on the climbing frame etc.

dancestomyowntune · 03/07/2014 20:59

Not at all. Speak to the teacher and see how she can address it.

Addressing a few of the other issues in your post:

I'd put the dresses through the washing machine and hang out to dry. A 30° wash will not ruin them and my girls dress up dresses have all been washed on a delicate wash cycle with vanish.

Could he not compromise? A pair of shorts and a t-shirt with one of his favourite princesses on? I understand the dresses aren't really practical but have to admit Dd2 (5) wore one last week in blistering heat to a non uniform day and even though I put in a Sun dress if she wanted to change she still had it on at the end of the day.

Kudos to you (and your son) for going against the grain and not conforming for the sake of it.

DurhamDurham · 03/07/2014 21:01

I think it's a bit of a cop out to expect the teacher to get involved. The teacher might not mind what he wears so why should she have to give the 'bad news'. He is your son, you get to say what goes and what doesn't.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:02

To be honest, and while I don't wish to sound churlish or rude, it should be that the teacher goes to you to help manage DS's behaviour, not vice versa.

I have read your previous threads and this isn't about what your DS wants to wear as much as the fact that you have said no.

With respect and assuming a NT child, if you can't manage this in year 2, what happens in year 8? Year 11?

erin99 · 03/07/2014 21:02

And teachers always have a way of managing accessories. On pirate day, all the eye patches and swords were swiftly corralled early on.

KnackeredMuchly · 03/07/2014 21:02

Why not get him a "day dress"?

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:04

Just tell him it's not a "dressing up" day but a "normal clothes" day. And that costumes aren't allowed. I wouldn't let my DD wear something like that on non uniform day.

staedtlerpen · 03/07/2014 21:05

It's your rule, not the teacher's, so don't involve her. Deal with it yourself.

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:05

BlackandWhitecats her DS is in reception...she called him DS2 in year R.

adeucalione · 03/07/2014 21:05

When I taught primary we were always getting approached to be the bad guys - would we tell their child that they couldn't wear their high heeled sandals, that they couldn't bring sweets for lunch, that they couldn't have a day off for their birthday and so on.

I always did it but it was irritating - your child, your job to say no.

StrawberryGashes · 03/07/2014 21:06

Yanbu about the costume, when my sons school has non uniform days they state that you can wear normal clothes but no costumes. They have set costume days like world book day.

Yabu to have the teacher speak to him about it though, I think that's something you should do.

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