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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:

GoblinLittleOwl · 04/07/2014 14:45

Try: 'No, because I say so.' And stick to it.

VeryStressedMum · 04/07/2014 15:27

It's not because he's a boy who wants to wear a dress, he's a child who wants to do something which is not that appropriate that you do not want him to do and you've already said no to.
Tell him he may wear it everyday but it is in fact dressing up clothes and dressing up clothes are not allowed at school.
He will go on and on because you've taught him that going on and on about something will get him his own way.
It doesn't matter the reason he wants to wear the dress, my dcs have lots of good reasons for wanting to do the things they want to do, but they can't get their own way all the time.

Just out of interest, the party he was at where you didn't let him wear the dress and he sulked for 3/4 of it....did you stay at that party?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2014 15:35

Lecce - it is also worth remembering that, if you do,put your foot down and make him wear something different to school, and he comes home complaining that other children were wearing costumes, that doesn't I validate your decision.

I have lost count of the number of times I have had to explain to the boys that other parents can and do make different decisions about all sorts of things - that doesn't mean I am right and they are wrong, or vice versa - it just means we make different decisions, but it doesn't mean I have to change my mind.

"But so-and-so is allowed to play 18 rated games even though he is not 18"

"That is his parents' choice - if he were my boy, he wouldn't be playing 18 rated games".

"You are the cruelest, worst mother in the world."

"Yes. I exist to make your life miserable".

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2014 15:36

Sorry - I validate should be invalidate. When will I learn to proof read properly?

mommy2ash · 04/07/2014 15:49

seriously I would bin the dresses and move on with your lives. I would treat this like I would a bottle or a dummy. I doubt he will be thirty com wearing princess dresses In fact I doubt this whole thing is even about dresses at all but a way of exerting control.

I have a very very girly girl. she loves her princess dresses and has had loads through the years including custom made and expensive ones. she would have gladly worn them every day but I wouldn't allow it. she wore clothes that were suitable for the days activities. I am her parent when I say no I mean no. I would actually be embarrassed to ask the teacher to get involved.

it's funny how I have never read a thread about girls who wear nothing but princess dresses but lately there have been tons about boys. I think in a quest to be overly pc people forget to parent

Original poster

lecce · 04/07/2014 16:46

I've been at work all day, hence my disappearance.

napoleon You have hit the nail on the head - that is exactly how I feel. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and offering advice. This is certainly something we will work on, especially over the summer. It was lovely to read something so kind and constructive in amongst all the 'just say no, ffs' and people accusing me of not being arsed to parent my child, and claiming that I am getting some kind of kick out of what is going on. I'm not.

This has upset me a little but I did ask, I know. (Though my question was actually about involving the teacher, and I admitted that was a bad idea ages ago, but a lot of people don't like to let little details like that get in the way of a good bashing, clearly).

I think I might hide this now, as not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to read anymore, ahem, bracing replies about how much I am letting him down.

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 16:48

I think that lecce can't take being the 'most horrible mother in the world' and have 'I hate you' flung at her. All meaningless.
I should start now because you can bet that as a teenager 'everyone else's' parents will be let them do what you won't- and is kind and understanding.
I have always said 'you will thank me when you are older'- they haven't gone that far- but they still want to come home because they enjoy our company. Times that were a bit fraught become family jokes that we all laugh about now!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2014 17:02

Oh god - that was not what I meant at all - it was a replay of the sort of conversations I have had with my boys - I was not saying she is any of those things. Shit.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 17:10

Surely all mothers are 'the worst mother in the world' at times? Par for the course.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2014 17:15

I am the worst worst mother in the world - if you believe ds3.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 17:20

I have it , on authority, that I am the worst!

settingsitting · 04/07/2014 17:22

Good thread to start by someone.
I am the worst mother because...

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2014 17:23

We'll have to take turns.

Seriously, though, I hope lecce wasn't upset by what I said - it really wasn't meant to offend - more to show how we all do get to be the world's worst mum sometimes.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 17:23

My list would be a bit long!

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 17:28

My fault for taking you up on it, SDTG- sorry- I just assumed that it was part and parcel of being a mother. I expect I was wrong in this case, I have no idea why lecce is so against a simple 'no', so it is difficult to put myself in her shoes.

Original poster

lecce · 04/07/2014 17:42

SDTG - you haven't upset me - I got your point. Delphinium - I have been called the worst mother in the world several times this week for:

enforcing bedtime

enforcing reading practice

- not buying an ice-cream

and probably many more. I can and do take it. I have no idea why you, and a few others, keep insisting that I can't say no and that I want to be his friend etc. This is not the case. I am having a few problems with him, as outlined by Napolean, but none of that results from an inability to say no. I thought this issue wasn't worth enforcing, but I am starting to see that it's not the dress itself that's the issue, but the obsession itself. That is something we will address.

I don't know why I'm getting a flaming for refusing to take anything on board when I have conceded several points: asking the teacher, his wearing it all the time, that I am over-thinking it etc

I know I said I was going, but am killing time before going to our prom and feel stronger after a glass of wine .

OP posts:

settingsitting · 04/07/2014 18:00

Glad that you are now able to see the bigger picture on this issue.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 18:37

If you are seeing the bigger picture I will leave you to enjoy your wine in peace.

thegreylady · 04/07/2014 18:45

I want to come back and stand corrected. We have just had friends to tea one of whom taught YR for all her 30 year teaching career. She says that it is not uncommon for small boys to want to dress like this, she reckons she would have one every couple of years and all but one outgrew it by Y2. The one who didn't had a definite gender confusion disorder and continued to want to dress as a girl although he hid this when he went to secondary school.

LegoSuperstar · 04/07/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanfairyanne · 04/07/2014 19:40

this is not dressing as a girl is it though? it is an obsession with one item of clothing and not listening to parental authority.

Passmethecrisps · 04/07/2014 20:20

Enjoy prom and be thankful that he isn't yet wanting to be sprayed mahogany coloured.

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