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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies Blush.

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby Blush. They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:
kennyp · 03/07/2014 21:59

if you mention it to the teacher before the dressing up day she might (hopefully?!) do a circle time thing about people wearing what they want/everyone's different/other people's choices are choices, not a right/wrong, etc etc?????

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 22:00

I think Worra has probably hit the nail on the head there actually.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 22:01

kennyp according to the OP that isn't really the issue.

Original poster
lecce · 03/07/2014 22:02

See, you never know on threads like these just how insistent these posters' children are whose parents come on to say that they have a child with a similar issue and they say no to them and it's all fine - child moans, tantrums, but parental power is asserted.

When ds first started wearing his dresses everywhere, I tried to make him wear other stuff for practical reasons. One walk we went on, he cried for 2 hours, another party he went to, he sulked for 3/4 of it. So I decided it wasn't really worth it. I made sure he knew how to respond if others were mean (they aren't often) and made it clear clothes wouldn't be replaced if they got damaged. It does not impact on us as a family.

I just want to make it clear, he has loads of other stuff to wear if he chooses to. There are many areas of his life he can have no control over (food to an extent, tooth brushing, bedtime etc, the general way life is), surely clothing needn't be one of them?

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 22:03

I think Worra has hit the nail on the head too.

Flisspaps · 03/07/2014 22:03

I'm with SaucyJack.

Just let him wear the princess dress. It is everyday wear to him, it would mean the world to him to be allowed to wear it and it's not hurting him or anyone else. The dresses wash so won't be grubby. DD isn't particularly girly or princess's but if she wanted to wear a princess fancy-dress-dress for nursery or a non-uniform day, it wouldn't cross my mind to say no.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 22:03

You are 'one of those parents'

It is your decision

you can let him wear a dressing up outfit
or not

it doesnt matter

but own your decision, dont get teachers to do it for you
are you an art or drama teacher by any chance??

CoffeeTea103 · 03/07/2014 22:04

I would look at why your son has such an extreme reaction to wearing dresses. Surely you can see that it's not normal for a child to cry for two hours over that?

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 22:04

I was born in 1981, and while I am not advocating smacking I probably would have had my bum smacked (light tap, really!) if I had insisted on wearing a Disney princess dress on a muddy country walk!

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 22:04

But at some point surely wearing these dresses everywhere outside school will have to stop, even if he cries and sulks?

Original poster
lecce · 03/07/2014 22:06

Why will it have to stop?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 03/07/2014 22:07

So he cries and sulks to get his own way? You give in?
That's the problem.
You have said no. Tough one kid. It won't be the last time you can't have what you want.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 22:07

My DC never got a choice in what they wore when they 4/5/6/7 tbh. They chose some clothes for special occasions, or if they wanted a particular T-shirt, but they would not have dictated to DH and I like your DS is doing.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:07

I am not even sure this is about clothes. It is a power issue and he is getting lots of attention through it.
Take the attention away. Don't enter discussion. On the morning put out 2 sets of clothes and tell him to choose. Don't get drawn unto an argument- just sound mildly surprised and go for a broken record approach of the same phrase.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 22:07

Well obviously your husband isn't happy about it, and princess dresses just aren't practical for a lot of everyday activities.

Annunziata · 03/07/2014 22:08

No, you gave in to his tantrums.

He doesn't need to control anything. He's just a child.

soverylucky · 03/07/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/07/2014 22:10

So you're happy for him to be walking around in a dress at 10yo?

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 22:11

Every family has something they cant be arsed compromising on

you - ridiculous princess outfits
me - no butter on sandwiches

the trick is, choose your battles
if you say 'no' then mean it.just dont say no if it doesnt matter

Penvelope · 03/07/2014 22:12

I think you need to establish whether anyone else with be wearing fancy dress on non uniform day. And then work from there.

I think he'd feel pretty angry if you told him dressing up wasn't allowed and then he turned up on the day to a sea of princess costumes.

If it's not allowed, or no one else is doing it, say no to fancy dress.

But if others are going in costume then you're going to have to let him.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 22:12

He thinks that if he keeps mithering you for a reason you will back down like you have in the past. That is why he is doing it.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 22:13

Lecce I am really not trying to troll hunt but I am genuinely wondering if you are serious.

Clothing is, while not important exactly, something that has to be chosen with care so as to be appropriate. We ALL know that. There are times when to wear a particular item of clothing would be considered grossly insulting (jogging bottoms and hoodie at an interview for a law firm would be unlikely to land you the job) it is generally accepted that dark clothing at a funeral is the done thing unless otherwise stipulated, I don't need to go on.

Children aren't born knowing these societal norms and need to be taught them, obviously age appropriately. I wasn't a fan of pastel colours or dresses as a little girl, which is strange as I love them now, but I think it was a reaction to my Mum who was delighted to have a little girl and thus dressed me in Easter egg shades all the time! But I knew when we went to church or parties I had to wear them. The rest of the time I was "allowed" to wear clothes I wanted to wear.

I know a woman - a former colleague - who delighted in pushing boundaries at work and wearing unsuitable clothes, having her hair a colour banned to students. She liked the attention and if this is the case with your DS, it isn't an attractive or admirable quality.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 22:14

One walk we went on, he cried for 2 hours, another party he went to, he sulked for 3/4 of it. So I decided it wasn't really worth it.

Bingo!

I'm afraid you get what you allow yourself to get

And now you've got a 5yr old who is manipulating you (again) so he can get his way...and because it seems he enjoys the attention his love for dresses brings him.

If you don't get a grip on this soon, I really don't envy you or your child when reaches his teenage years.

No should mean no. Don't be afraid of the tears and tantrums...learning to cope with them and switch off to manipulation is part of being a parent.

It's a tough part but it's something we have to learn to cope with for everyone's sake.

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/07/2014 22:15

He's a boy. Buy him a pair of blue corduroys and a pair of sensible shoes and be done with it. If he wants a cloak make sure it's a batman one. Come on OP. Use your loaf.

hiccupgirl · 03/07/2014 22:15

See my little princess dress wearing son has learnt that princess dresses are for dress up not everyday wear. He did have a stage of wanting to wear them all the time, probably around his 4th birthday and sometimes I let him but generally I explained he couldn't because it was too cold, wet etc and after a while he accepted it.

It wasn't plain sailing and he sulked and stropped a lot but tbh I would rather he understands that different clothes are for different purposes than he wears a princess dress playing in the park where it's going to get ruined. Some days still he wears his princess dress to go to nursery but he takes it off once it's time to play outside.

I look at it as in life you can't always do exactly what you want or wear what you want and that it's not the end of the world.

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