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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:

StrawberryGashes · 03/07/2014 21:06

Yanbu about the costume, when my sons school has non uniform days they state that you can wear normal clothes but no costumes. They have set costume days like world book day.

Yabu to have the teacher speak to him about it though, I think that's something you should do.

Kirsty0612 · 03/07/2014 21:06

Non uniform day in my school doesn't involve dressing up. Just casual clothes. Ask the teacher to talk to him if u want. I bet she'd rather that than he turned up in a princess dress when everyone else is wearing shorts and tshirts.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 21:09

go ahead but it makes you one of 'those' parents
your rule, you say, he does
whatever the clothes are

Original poster

lecce · 03/07/2014 21:09

Thanks for the replies. I am so pleased to know they machine wash ok - they are all going in tonight .

Yes, it's the obvious thing to do to ask the teacher if it is allowed or not and go from there, because if it's not the other stuff is a non-issue. The other kids know he does this, so I really don't think they'll be too bothered. He'll get the odd comment but really doesn't seem to care.

The dresses are really important to him and he really doesn't want to wear anything else. I feel bad for him as it is a special day for children and will be less so for him if he can't wear one of his dresses.

As a secondary school teacher, I have often been involved with discussing pupils' behaviour at home with parents and the pupils themselves, but this has usually been in the context of a parents' evening, rather than being cornered at the end of the day to talk about something that doesn't really impact on school itself.

I really can't just tell him 'no' without a reason when it is something that means so much to him.

OP posts:

BlinkAndMiss · 03/07/2014 21:12

YANBU asking the teacher to clarify what is acceptable for non uniform day. If your son is confused between costumes and non uniform then others will be too, I don't think it's fair on him to have the teacher speak to him exclusively when others might turn up in costumes anyway, if costumes aren't allowed then the teacher should address the class and tell them what is acceptable and what is not.

Annunziata · 03/07/2014 21:14

You are making a big fuss over absolutely nothing! It's a dress and a non uniform day.

You absolutely can tell him no over this and you do not need a reason. Stop being so precious, or the next 14 years or so will be a misery.

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:16

Lecce you've been told the reason...it's that non-uniform day isn't "Dress up" day. You seem to be determined to send him in his dress when in fact nobody else will be dressing up and he will not only stand out but blur the lines for the others.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 21:16

You just have to tell him he can't wear it because it's not a dressing up day.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:17

Other than making sure the class know what's acceptable, I don't see why she should have to talk to your son. I would have thought she has enough to do.

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:17

Agree you sound very precious. My DD always wants to dress up as a princess on non uniform days. I just say no...wait till World Book Day! What's so hard about that!?

5madthings · 03/07/2014 21:17

At my kids School on non uniform days lots if the littler kids ie reception, yr1 or yr2 wear fancy dress, my own ds3 went as a fairy and a princess on occasion.

I was slightly concerned re kids picking on him but it wasn't a problem at all and a few other little boys raided the schools dress up box and wore dresses.

It defends on the school I guess but at my kids School no one would bat an eyelid.

If you don't think it's ok you should tell him or hoe about he wears it but takes spare clothes in a bag to get changed if need be?

staedtlerpen · 03/07/2014 21:18

Yeah, you're definitely making a bigger fuss than is necessary.

TheBuskersDog · 03/07/2014 21:19

Your small child gets upset because he is told no, so you want to try and make it seem like it is the teacher who won't let him rather than you? Why are you so scared of your five year old not liking what you say, you are his parent not trying to be his best friend.
It is not a dressing up day it is non-uniform, most people don't wear uniform for work but we don't go in fancy-dress, just normal clothes.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/07/2014 21:19

Ive got 3 dds and loads of princess dresses. I wash them all the time on a quick was, delicate or even a rinse wih softner might shift some muck or freshen them up

TheBuskersDog · 03/07/2014 21:22

By the way it has nothing to do with him being a boy, a girl would be told exactly the same.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 21:22

This is the second 'boy wants to wear dress to school' thread we've had today. I think the other one got deleted

Anyway I agree with the PPs who have said you're being precious.

You've given him a reason, now let him accept it without 'back up' from the teacher.

5madthings · 03/07/2014 21:23

Oh and yes wash the dresses, just chuck them in on 30 deg on a delicate cycle or in a pillowcase and they wash up fine :)

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/07/2014 21:25

If any have git glitter on i would just do them in a rinse or a 30 so the glitter doesnt melt and if they have the mesh arms tuck them inside the dress. Ive collected a huge box full between them over 12 years and the only problem i had was the mesh on one of them coming away. Thats when i started tucking the arms in

AuntieStella · 03/07/2014 21:26

It is up to you to decide what your DS may or may not wear and to carry that decision through.

By all means clarify with the tracher exactly what is meant by non-uniform (rather than dress up). But don't expect staff to intervene beyond that.

saoirse31 · 03/07/2014 21:27

I think you need to accept that as parent its for you to tell him no.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:28

When I was in reception, I wanted a pony (we could keep it in the porch) a puppy and some t shirt that was all the rage, I got the t shirt but I didn't get to wear it all the time.

My parents said no - surely, surely, it is normal to say no to requests from your four or five year old child? As some of those requests are just not possible or practical.

Ruththetooth · 03/07/2014 21:28

Exactly what whois said.

Original poster

lecce · 03/07/2014 21:28

Buskerdog I don't want to make him think it's the teacher rather than me who won't let him, I want her to see it's her as well as me who doesn't want him to wear it. (Though I have taken on board the fact that she may not care, and will verify that before I go any further - and I warming to the idea of cleaning the dresses and letting him go ahead anyway).

I really don't get all this 'he's only 5, what you say goes, he doesn't need a reason.' It matters to him, he needs a reason. Yes, I have given him one myself, but just thought back-up from someone else he respects would help. I really do see why this won't work if she doesn't mind him wearing it, and that it's not fair to impose on her time etc, but I don't have a problem telling him 'no'. I just think it's more effective when he can see it's not just a 'no' for the sake of it.

I also see that I'm probably making too big a deal of it - I do that a lot .

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 03/07/2014 21:30

I don't see what it has to do with the teacher.
Surely this comes under the heading of parenting.
Why do you expect a teacher to do your job?

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:30

If every parent wanted the teacher to back up their decisions I dread to think about how long it would take.

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