To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

[lecce]

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

Op are you still planning to buy him more dresses for his birthday?
I would bin the scruffiest one and gradually get away from them. As others have said, girls don't wear princess dresses for muddy walks, why would a
Boy?

Agree with excuse. It isn't really a matter of whether the school allow it , it is more that you feel uncomfortable and there are safety implications. Passing the buck on to the teacher isn't fair and is just an avoidance strategy on your part. Compromise if you must by sending him in everyday clothes(agree with pp who suggested choice of 3) and take a dress in a bag in case there is an opportunity to "dress up" during the day.

This is very reminiscent of the supersoaker thread!

lecce, youdo have reasons that you could give him:
damage to the dress
danger of tripping over
it's too dirty to wear, "you wouldn't wear a uniform that that's dirty"

Surely all you need to do is check with the teacher whether dressing up clothes are allowed and then see if yours survives the wash.

Long term, I agree that your DS seems to feel very defined by his dresses.

A friend of mine's DS had always worn dresses. He is now 17, and has issues with food and is hopelessly lacking in independence (can't even catch a bus on his own). His family have always gone the extra mile to accommodate him and haven't attempted to make him be independent, and now it's an ingrained part of his identity. Long-term they've done him a disservice IMO.

I'm not saying at all that just because a little boy wears dresses it will harm his long term development, but the way you handle his obsession is important.

This thread's bonkers. Just say NO. How hard can it be?! You said yourself "he cries and tantrums until we give in, as it's just too hard as we're always working" or something like that.
THERE'S your problem! He's creating like this because YOU let him. Just tell him no, sorry, it's not practical for school and he can wear it when he gets home.
Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill and being a drama llama!
Sometimes being a parent means being unpopular.
Sorry, but you seriously need to grow a pair.

Sorry, I agree with the others that say it's nothing to do with the teacher (and the fact that you are happy to get involved with parental decisions in your professional capacity is irrelevant. Too many teachers have to do that because the parent is incapable and it's getting ridiculous).

If you don't want him to wear a dress because from a practical standpoint it's madness (will he have PE or swimming that day? The staff won't thank you if he wears it) then say No and stick to it. Most (if not all) children will be in ordinary clothes, it's not Book Week or Topic Week.

Why, seriously, can't you just do that and stick to your guns? Why do you need the teacher's back-up? It's not their problem!

Oh, and an aside, I have never, ever seen any boys wearing dresses at school. Rightly or wrongly, they would be absolutely torn to SHREDS around here. Must be a MN thing

It is a bonkers thread! Nearly every response is similar (highly unusual for MN) - all considered with reasons - OP keeps ignoring it all and justifying herself.
You will have massive problems with this child until you take charge and be an active parent. It is scary for a child of that age to rule the roost.

Lecce I think this issue goes a lot wider than this thread (I won't go on about the other threads but they all do add to the picture). I think you have lost confidence in your parenting, and I think you are in one of those stages where you feel less connected to your child and so are getting very unsure of the right thing to do.

I have found this happens myself when I am very stressed at work. I know where you are coming from with being too tired and exhausted to sort out these issues, and feeling so overwhelmed by them and the tantrums that you end up doing what you know are the wrong things as you are unsure/can't face the alternative. All I can do is share my own experience, as I felt detached from my dd2 at times (probably around the same time as the obsessional clothing wearing, endless tantrums about food/things being the same, and her starting school). She found being 5 very difficult, she wasn't a cute toddler (and boy, she was cute) any more, so her toddler behaviours didn't suit her or work. This may well be the case for your son who has been 'cute' in his dresses aged 3 and now it is not so cute. She wasn't mature in any way though, cue lots of meltdowns and stress.

What worked for me was a) a bit of love-bombing, which is essentially learning to love and appreciate your child just the way they are, about accepting them. This doesn't mean letting them do stuff like wear a dress when inappropriate or wrong, it means loving the essence of them. We didn't go away, but we did have days where she led the way and then evening times to cuddle and reconnect. This worked amazingly well and I do feel I connect well with her now b) get on top of your own stress by whatever works for you, for me it is meditation (mindfulness, the CD by Williams and colleagues is great) or relaxation.

This is not a done deal and they are all a work in progress. If you can get on top of your own tiredness and exhaustion though, and also reconnect in with your little boy as an individual person and not just someone who is taking up more time and energy, I think stuff like the dresses will all just fall into place as your confidence and ability to deal with this increases.

If none of this hits home, ignore me but everything you write reminds me of how I felt at this time stage with my 5 year old, even down to the behaviours, and I just wanted you to know things can change and that you haven't let him down- your response of 'oh god, why is he not more confident' is all about blaming yourself and that's not the way to go.

My sons (both KS1) refuse to wear neon pink boxers because they'd get teased by the other boys. They'd rather go naked than wear a princess dress. Despite my best efforts to teach them that there isn't such a thing as boy or girl anything, the peer pressure of school is too great.

Both boys want to wear their football kits or superhero kit to school on non uniform day. Our school discourages football kit because without exception all the boys would turn up in identical kit. They are way too expensive to lose!

So I just say no. My boys don't like my decision but tough.

My dd is 3.5 and very often dresses rather eclectically for nursery! we only intervene if it's not right such as too hot or cold or long so would trip her up. In this case we just say no you can't wear it and offer her alternative suggestions.
I'm all for self expression but they sometimes have to take an adults decisions and that that.
You wouldn't let him go in swimming trunks and arm bands would you?

ThenapopleonofCrime's post seems very sensible.
She seems to have been where you are and come out the other side.

Are you still here op?

I am not sure bringing up the content of other threads is very helpful.

I am also a secondary teacher and I am sure you will have the same experience as I do of teens dressing inappropriately due to a misplaced sense of self and investing too much in their looks. This is what is sounds like you need to avoid.

It was me who mentioned him feeling comfortable in his own skin and that MIGHT be because you have been a little anxious about setting firm boundaries - probably because they didn't seem necessary.

Maybe rather than actually asking the teaching to speak to him herself ask her for some advice. It may be that you need her on board to boost his confidence. There is no shame in asking for help

My dd was all abut Dora the fecking explorer for a while so I dealt with it. Instinctively I felt as though being consumed with anything was not a good thing.

My other dd (10) is consumed with reading. She does it all the time. She gets scores of books from the library. Some people think I am doo-lally for thinking it's an issue.

"I wish my ds would read" they say. It is an issue if it takes over other things. If you don't want to go to the park and you don't want to watch TV and you race through your shower so you can read then it's an issue.

I must admit I think you may have caused a problem here OP. My boys occaisonally wore dresses, but not out and about, and a I wouldn't even let my dd wear a princess dress to school, and definitely not on a muddy walk! Too long and scratchy. I think if you had been firm initially and insisted the dressing up was kept at home, he probably wouldn't now have become reliant on the attention it brings. It's not too late though- you could start now and he'll be used to it within days. Just explain that princess dresses are not everyday wear. Good luck.

If you want to use natural consequences then tell him you can't wash the dresses, if he wears them for inappropriate activities and gets them muddly then they will become unwearable and you will have to throw them in the bin. Be really clear about what will happen, so there is no room for misunderstanding. Also talk to him about appropriate times for dressing up/ballgowns and why that is - relate it to what he sees other people wearing etc. don't just spring it on him.

And then when he inevitably climbs a tree, stomps through a puddle or whatever, DO IT. Don't back down.

This thread is laughable.

OP you're so earnestly trying to be PC and break stereo types and showing off about it that you are not actually parenting your ds.

I think this situation sounds ridiculous. It's fine for children to dress up it's not fine for them (and you!) to be so obsessive about it.

I would be using the Summer holidays as the time to start weaning him off wearing the dresses all the time. There would be a couple of days in the first week where he had to choose between 2 outfits that were not the dresses and I would be working up gradually until he was wearing normal clothes more often that not.

I don't think it is healthy for anyone, male or female, young or old, to be so obsessive about anything.

It sounds to me like you've been over indulging his keeness on the princess dresses, to over compensate for what you believe to be some form of gender confusion.

There's nothing wrong with children wearing what they want when appropiate. Non uniform day at school is not appropiate. Nor would be if he were attending a wedding, for example. I don't think wearing such a limited range of clothing is appropiate.

It does sound as though he defines himself through these outfits so perhaps a priority for you could be to encourage his confidence based on his personality rather than what he looks like. Build on his interests in other ways and you may well find the 'need' for the specific dresses calms down a bit.

The teacher doesn't need to come into it. Work on it yourself with your son.

"I have an extremely headstrong boy of 4.5, he usually listens better to someone else (teacher, family friend) than me, so I think asking the teacher to explain about practical clothes isn't unreasonable."

It is very unreasonable, I am afraid, OorWullie - because you have to learn to parent your 'extremely headstrong' child on your own, without resorting to other authority figures. What are you going to do when he is 15, and refusing to do as you say? Threaten him with the policeman? Tell his headteacher?

If you leave it until then, then it will be many times harder to gain normal parental control over your child than it is now. And I do accept that it clearly is hard now - you wouldn't be involving the teacher or family friend or whoever, if you weren't struggling - but just stop and consider whether you want to still be doing this when he hits his teens - and really, you don't! I have a headstrong teenager, and believe you me, it would be infinitely harder to parent him if I hadn't set boundaries in place throughout his childhood, and taught him that what I say, goes.

I know 'it takes a village to raise a child' - but that shouldn't be '...because his mum can't...'

Your problem is that you have already allowed your child to wear a dressing up dress in inappropriate circumstances - going on muddy walks and climbing trees.

If you haven't been distinguishing dressing up clothes from normal day wear in the past, then of course your child is struggling to do it now.

So you don't really have a leg to stand in on in trying to prevent him wearing it to school; saying it might get torn or dirty or whatever won't really seem like a good reason, because it might have got torn or dirty climbing a tree, and that was allowed. Saying it's just for playing at dressing up, well, ditto, most people don't play at dressing up for a muddy walk.

Anyway, I would say it is perhaps too late to set boundaries with the existing dresses, but if you are still giving him a new one for his birthday, I would set new rules for that one (only to be worn indoors, or in your own house, for example, because it is for dressing up, not real clothes)

Perhaps you need to buy him some sensible, practical day clothes, that he likes and wants to wear. Possibly some of those clothes might have to be dresses, or skirts or whatever, if that is really what he wants. But they shouldn't have to be dressing up dresses - you need to start helping him to make that distinction between playing, and getting dressed.

Op I really can't work out if you are a genuinely struggling with a discipline issue, as that's the issue despite the dresses, or you are somehow tacitly encouraging your ds to be individual amd different as it gives you both lots of attention.

Either way it's doing him no favours. You will struggle with controlling the teen if you cant control the child.

It's utterly ridiculous to allow any child to wear long clothes on a walk or to the playground. It's dangerous and silly.

It's utterly ridiculous to need a teacher to back up your discipline. Who will you go to when he's older? He needs to listen and learn from you. He's the child. You are I charge not him.

As for a boy wearing a dress well I think if you allow this continue he will suffer years of teasing and comments from the other children, of course he will.

Where on earth do you live and who in earth do you mix with that you really cannot see this? Seriously protect him here.

I am 70 years old with one son, two stepsons and 5 grandsons aged between 5 and 16. I have lived in many places, taught in many schools and taken part in many children's activities.
In all that time I have occasionally seen pre school boys choose dresses from a dressing up box, I have once seen a 3 year old boy choose his sister's princess dress on a playdate. I have never ever seen a boy over 4 in a dress anywhere except on stage in a production.
I would be very worried about a boy so obsessively insistent on princess dresses and I would be firmy discouraging their wear. I certainly would not be replacing them as they became worn out.

Agree with grey lady. Why would op perpetuate the issue by buying even more dresses?Good grief the ones she has are causing enough problems.