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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies Blush.

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby Blush. They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:
mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:42

They can't, ilovesooty, and it's worrying me that this poster seems pleasant but genuinely flummoxed as to how to get round this.

A 4 year old me would undoubtedly have eaten chips with bread and butter and animal crackers, and nothing else. She would have worn the aforementioned t shirt every day, had a pony, a puppy and a kitten - probably several kittens.

I presume the OP must - MUST - say "no" to some of her children's requests, so why is this one proving so difficult? Genuine question OP :)

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:42

It sounds to me that the OP is quite happy for him to wear one of the dresses if it's clean enough, but surely at some point he will need to wear a greater variety of clothes?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/07/2014 21:42

You are not wearing your princess dress to school BECAUSE IT IS NOT SUITABLE ATTIRE FOR A WHOLE DAY AT SCHOOL. And if he does not like that, then "You are not wearing your princess dress BECAUSE I SAID SO. End of. Grow a pair and deal with your son and leave the poor harassed teacher alone

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/07/2014 21:44

We had a similar discussion with ds1, when he was going to the battlefields and to the Menin Gate, with the rest of year 7. We thought scruffy denim was not suitable as they were going to be seeing the Beating of the Retreat ceremony at the Menin Gate, and should wear something smarter.

We didn't need the back up of his teacher to enforce this - he did as he was told.

Maria33 · 03/07/2014 21:47

If your ds was a dd and you were saying she could only wear princess dresses and she only ever dressed as a princess outside school, would that sound reasonable?

Just because your breaking a stereotype, doesn't make it any less obnoxious.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 21:48

It is quite simple. You wear different clothes in different situations. He is old enough to understand. Just give him a choice of 2 suitable outfits and tell him he is wearing one! You are making all sorts of difficulties that simply are not there.
You are not his best friend- he can have lots of those. You are his mother and he only gets one! You are allowed to be tough and say 'No'! He will still love you!
Children like to have boundaries and feel that the adult is in control - it makes them feel insecure if you are too wishy washy.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/07/2014 21:49

The dresses are really important to him and he really doesn't want to wear anything else. I feel bad for him as it is a special day for children and will be less so for him if he can't wear one of his dresses

A special day for children?!? It's a non-uniform day FGS. There's at least 2 a term at our school. Talk about making a drama out of a non-event crisis.

soverylucky · 03/07/2014 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:50

I've just re read your opening post leece and I think that there is a worry from you that if you tell your DS "no" regarding his princess dresses that this will be interpreted as a slight on his taste.

I suppose, if I may draw a parallel, I don't like to see public canoodling/snogging and I know many people feel the same. There is however the worry that if a same sex couple were asked to tone it down that this might be interpreted as homophobia, rather than not wanting to see anyone of any gender with their tongue halfway down someone's tonsils on a train or whatever.

Logically, a child of either gender wearing a princess fancy dress item on a muddy country walk is absolutely ridiculous and it must impact on you all as a family to a certain extent. The fact your son has no regular play clothes of shorts, t shirt, jeans or whatever is similarly bizarre. In the kindness possible way I think you have allowed your son to call the shots here too much - I think you want him to be himself and not be ashamed of his tastes, which is great, but when said tastes are impractical, costly and lacking any sense at all, you need as the adult to step in.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 21:50

I seriously wouldn't have the patience for all this fuss

I'd choose 3 outfits, lay them out on the bed and tell him to bloody pick one.

If he's going to throw a tantrum so what...that's what kids do best.

Seriously, nearly all of the 'tippy toe' parents I've known through my DC's schools, hugely regretted not being firmer by the time they became teenagers.

Original poster
lecce · 03/07/2014 21:52

I promise that I do say no, plenty, to my children. I know people always say this on threads like these, but I am getting so many comments about how I can't say no etc, that I feel the need to say they are both impeccably behaved at school and when visiting others, and very far from out-of-control at home too.

I suppose the reason why I have such an issue with this, um, issue, is that it is so very, very important to ds. I have been a parent for 7 years, not as long as many people on here, but long enough to have dealt with many, many inappropriate things my dc have wanted to do that I have had to say no to.

This matters to ds, more than other things I have dealt with from him and his brother. I put myself in his shoes: it's non-uniform day; it's exciting; I can't wear the one thing that I really, really want to. That stinks.

I won't ask the teacher though, apart from clarifying that it's not against the rules.

OP posts:
magpiegin · 03/07/2014 21:53

You are overthinking this. You have told him it's none uniform day and not dress up day and that should be that. You need to be the parent, you shouldn't need a teacher to back you up on this.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 21:54

Exactly WorraLiberty. I don't think there is more to be said!

hiccupgirl · 03/07/2014 21:54

The reason is simply it is not a dress up day at school just a wear your normal clothes instead of your uniform day. Obviously you also need to tackle the fact he only wears his dresses instead of normal clothes too.

My DS who's 4 loves his princess dress. He would live in that or his purple top and leggings that he pretends he's a my little pony in. He doesn't get that choice because he has lots of other clothes to wear every day and dress up outfits are for dressing up not every day wear.

He is more than capable of understanding that he doesn't wear his dress up things for his school visits because you wear normal clothes or uniform for school. Is he happy about this? Not always but that's just how it is.

Annunziata · 03/07/2014 21:56

You are seriously, seriously making this too big a deal!

My boys loved their Celtic strips. They would have begged and cried to be allowed to wear them to school but it was inappropriate, so I said no, and that was the end of the discussion.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:56

But leece - it isn't just about the children's behaviour. I fully accept that your children are well behaved.

It's important to your DS, but he is five at the most! Five year olds aren't famed for making sensible choices which is why parents are entrusted to make them :)

Are his memories of reception really going to be tainted forever if he doesn't get to wear a dress to a non-school uniform day?

SaucyJack · 03/07/2014 21:56

Why don't you just let him wear it then if it's that important?

Both of my girls have worn all sorts to school for various this-and-that days. No one died.

You seem to be suffering a great deal of angst over something that doesn't need to be an issue either way.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:56

I think it's relevant that your husband is getting tired of this insistence on wearing these dresses all the time.

Jenbob80 · 03/07/2014 21:57

I understand your issue - like you said, it's non-uniform, not fancy dress. But I think you need to be firm - really sorry if that's not what you want to hear. You're the parent and he needs to learn that what you say goes. Easy for me to say, though! I wouldn't involve the teacher as it isn't their place...

soverylucky · 03/07/2014 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 21:57

I suppose the reason why I have such an issue with this, um, issue, is that it is so very, very important to ds.

But shouldn't you be trying to drum into him that appearance isn't everything? and that there's far more important things about life, school and people than what clothes they wear?

No clothes should be 'so very, very important' to such a young child, they should be too busy getting on with just being kids without worrying about these things.

I'm going out on a limb here OP but because I find his obsession with clothes (either dresses or otherwise) so strange, do you think the reason it's so 'very, very important' is because it brings him so much fuss and attention?

Could that be it?

diddl · 03/07/2014 21:57

"it's non-uniform day; it's exciting; I can't wear the one thing that I really, really want to. That stinks."

Because it's not practical!

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 21:58

There were lots of times as a child that I couldn't wear what I wanted to- I doubt any child hasn't experienced it! They deal with it- if their mother is matter of fact and doesn't pussy foot around. I had rows with my mother every time I got new shoes! She told me that when I was paying I could buy what I liked.

herecomesthsun · 03/07/2014 21:58

maybe not for school, but would he like this? www.tkmaxx.com/kids-fancy-dress/royal-knight-fancy-dress-outfit/invt/45064136&bklist=icat,4,shop,63,4545 - more fun than spiderman. Captain Hook costumes can be quite glam too!

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 21:58

I agree Worra.

I get that it matters to your DS, but sometimes you can't have your own way lecce and your job as a parent is to teach him that.