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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies Blush.

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby Blush. They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
lecce · 03/07/2014 22:15

He's not getting any attention through it as we all just accept that he wears the dresses all the time. We don't sit there every evening cooing at him in his dress.

I do think it is related to attention at school though. He is very shy but loves being centre of attention. I have noticed at parties etc he kind of uses being in a dress to get a bit of attention and loves the fact that he doesn't have to speak to get it! From there, his confidence increases. He is definitely more confident at school now than he was at the start - this is based on my own observations at parties and comments from the teachers, so I don't know that it's a good idea to take away the 'comfort blanket'. It's almost like a persona for him. I don't know...Confused.

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:16

By his age you can easily understand that you have different clothes for different activities. You wouldn't go sailing or fell walking in a princess dress. You don't go to school, even on non uniform days, in princess dresses. You do not go to a wedding in a princess dress.
Exactly the same reasoning for a girl.
He knows that he doesn't have to be reasonable because if he kicks up enough fuss his mother will give in and he will get his own way.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 22:16

Bloody hell, GetOrf Shock long time no see! What dragged you back?

Ledkr · 03/07/2014 22:16

Ha ha well done getorf

Passmethecrisps · 03/07/2014 22:16

So, if you don't feel it needs to stop then why is there an issue?

If you would like him to wear shirts and t-shirt once in a while then something needs to change.

It's up to you really

Passmethecrisps · 03/07/2014 22:18

Ah, well your most recent post does suggest that worra is right. He is putting on a wee act.

I do think you need to help him feel comfortable in his own skin without needing the bravado of dresses

Annunziata · 03/07/2014 22:18

Well now is time to teach him that you shouldn't rely on clothes to make yourself popular or give you attention.

You aren't banning the dresses, but saying there are some places that you can't wear them, and that is okay.

thornrose · 03/07/2014 22:19

My dd, now 14 yo, has AS and we've had almighty battles about no end of things, many of them about clothing. She can be violent, aggressive and abusive but she still doesn't always get her own way.

I have never involved a teacher in my parenting issues.

Sometimes she can't wear/do as she likes, great life lesson surely?

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 22:19

Why has your husband recently become less happy about it?

piratecat · 03/07/2014 22:20

i think you are getting to deeply involved in what his thinking is, what your thinking is.

Why he wears them, what happens. So he gets attention in some form or other when he wears them, fine. Don't think about all that, just stick to your guns, it's not suitable for non uniform day, it's a day for every day clothes.
I know they are his every day ones, but there are rules and boundaries in life, that we all have to adhere to consciously or subconsciously.

Don't feed the strops, you do have to stand firm here op.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:20

So since you won't listen to common sense and voices of reason, lecce just let him go in a princess dress- I haven't a clue why you asked because you just make excuses of why you can't say a simple 'no' to your child.
I suppose it is some progress if you have agreed it is unfair to make the teacher the 'baddy' when you haven't the back bone yourself.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 22:24

But it does get him attention at home too...if your threads on this subject are anything to go by. It's certainly getting him attention now if you're at the point where you felt you needed his teacher to back you up.

Either way, pick him a couple of outfit...stick them on the bed and tell him to choose one or you'll choose it for him.

Just put an end to all the nonsense. It's just a non uniform day and as there will be many more in the future, you need to take a firm stand now.

Nothing bad will happen. It's just a case of a 5yr old not getting their way, which is (or should be) totally normal.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 03/07/2014 22:25

So he's a 5 year old boy and you seriously feel it's important he gets his way so you would let him go to school in a long princess dress with a cloak! Seriously you would let him do that.

You would effectively allow him to be the kid who came in a frock to school for the rest of his school life

This is the second boy boy in a frock thread today and this has an added cloak!

Sorry am I living in some sort of parallel universe here?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 03/07/2014 22:25

OP, I actually sympathise a lot with this, because I had exactly the same issue with one of mine around the same age.

For different reasons than your son, one of my dd's was extremely attached to a certain type of clothing, also sparkly dressed (not vanity reasons).

It got to the stage, aged 6, where she wore the same sparkly dress at all non-uniform opportunities (so day and night, winter and summer) for over a year. People started to comment on it, she was often inappropriately dressed and so on. All attempts to get her to change the dress were met with a meltdown, sobbing for hours etc. She was also really fussy over underwear and socks, only an exact one or two would do etc.

It was not such a big deal for a while, then we realised that we needed to help her be more flexible. One thing we did was buy things similar but not the same, so getting her to choose stuff. Fair enough, but we also got much tougher. In winter, her dad let her know he was going to the cinema, but that she needed to have something on her legs as she would get cold, cue much crying but after about an hour she put on some leggings under the dress. Obviously people can't learn to ride bikes or scooters in princess dresses, they trip easily and can graze their legs- so if you go out, have to have leggings or coverings on legs. Bit by bit we had to drag her kicking and screaming towards being more flexible and being able to wear more than one or two outfits, and dressing appropriately.

I would say now she's 8 we have pretty much succeeded. I'm also prepared to veto bad choices e.g. sparkly things if you are making a cake and getting messy, something with shorts/leggings for climbing. The rest of the time she chooses from stuff she has chosen herself.

I don't think your child is unique and if you take the seeming gender thing out of it (which may be a complete red herring, he acts just like my dd did over the same thing) then you might have more success.

For this day, I would either give the reasons others have stated- it's not dress-up day, or on this occasion, let him go in in his dress, but with a mental note that you need to help build in more flexibility- it might be better to start that at home though (like my cinema example, if you are cold you have to wear a coat/leggings/trousers) than to suddenly put your foot down on a day at school with all the fussing and crying that might entail.

He's over-invested in these clothes, it's common, you need to help him through it.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 03/07/2014 22:27

Oh and you want the whole of the teaching staff to know too and believe me op, and being completely honest here, laugh about this in the staff room.

Come on really.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:27

Most children make food the attention issue- this is just a different tack.
Stop discussing clothes and give limited choices.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 22:28

Excellent post, napoleon :)

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:29

The gender part is a red herring. A princess dress is not suitable- full stop.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:31

Sensible advice from napoleon, if OP actually wants appropriate clothes for the occasion or activity.

settingsitting · 03/07/2014 22:34

I presume you like the attention too?

tyaca · 03/07/2014 22:34

Hi Lecce,

I have read one of your other posts. You are a fab mum.

Imagine he's a girl. Would you let him wear fancy dress? Take your lead from there. The cloak is a no, either way I'd say.

People who are on at you about just saying no are being crass and thoughtless. He's exploring a lot of issues with his identity and the princess dresses are a huge part of that. It's not nearly as clear cut as a lot of people are making out so rudely.

Just do your best Lecce (and it seems like your best is ace) and please don't over-think this.

settingsitting · 03/07/2014 22:34

I mean the op.

tyaca · 03/07/2014 22:37

Lecce please ignore all the nasty idiots on here tonight.

I'm going to hide this thread now.

Keep the love lecce - the world is full of lovely people. Mumsnet - sometimes not so much Grin

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 22:40

I should just send him in his choice if that is what you wish to do,but then don't bother asking again because the majority are saying the same thing and you don't want to hear it!

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 22:42

Tyaca, admittedly the area I live in is perhaps quite traditional/set in its ways, but truthfully a boy wearing a princess dress would receive far nastier comments than anything posted on here tonight.

The comments have centred around concern that the OP is allowing her son to dictate what happens rather than concern that he is wearing a dress: I must admit, I haven't been on here long but I'm already immune to any surprise I would once have had about boys in fairy costumes and dressing as Snow White or Belle.