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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/07/2014 21:31

Lecce - I am sorry but you have to have the courage of your convictions, and tell your child 'No'. Tell him it is non-uniform day, not 'costume day'.

Yes, he will be upset with you, but I am afraid that is part of parenting - sometimes we have to take decisions that our children do not like. We can't always get some other authority figure to make the unpopular decisions for us - we have to pull on our big-girl pants and be willing to be unpopular, when we know we have made the right decision for our child.

cosikitty · 03/07/2014 21:31

YABU. You need to grow a spine!
He's 5, you're the parent, and whatever you say is what your DS has to abide by.
If DS was a DD would you be letting her go in full princess get up? I wouldn't unless it was a dress UP day, non -uniform means just your ordinary daywear.

MrsWinnibago · 03/07/2014 21:31

The reason you give him is that it's NOT costume day. It's NON UNIFORM day which means ordinary clothing. THAT is a reason.

It's irritating that you keep on about him needing a reason when people are giving one!

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 21:33

It matters to him, he needs a reason. Yes, I have given him one myself, but just thought back-up from someone else he respects would help.

And you don't think you're undermining your own authority?

You don't need back up. You've told him non uniform does not mean a dress up day.

He should believe you, without 'back up' from anyone else.

Ruththetooth · 03/07/2014 21:33

Why not buy an ordinary non-princess dress. That way he gets to wear something he's comfortable in but will not be 'dressing-up'. I don't think a princess dress would be appropriate for any child on a non-uniform day.

Original poster

lecce · 03/07/2014 21:33

The problem is, these dresses ARE his everyday wear- he wears them constantly, and I mean constantly. I can't remember the last time I saw him in anything other than his school uniform or one of these dresses, or pyjamas.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 03/07/2014 21:35

Just tell him no! Why does it need to be a big discussion. Stop acting like it will be the end of the world for him and more importantly stop encouraging this dress nonsense. It's ridiculous sending him in like that.

jubbablub · 03/07/2014 21:35

If you asked me to do this, as a teacher I'm afraid I wouldn't deal with it. Hate it when parents try to get me to parent their kids. It's your job, not mine.

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:35

So does he have any other clothes?

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:35

Ilovesooty the problem is this will only last for as long as the child wants to please the teacher.

I am a teacher and honestly, the problems this sets up are immense. What you're saying to the child is, "My 'no' is not good enough. It needs reinforcement from someone stronger than me."

When the child no longer respects the teacher, your no will have to be strong enough. If it isn't when he's 5, it won't be when he's 15.

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 21:35

It's non-uniform day not dressing up day, that is the reason and the only reason he needs.

Delphiniumsblue · 03/07/2014 21:36

I don't think it fair to involve the teacher. Simply tell him that it isn't suitable and he isn't wearing it. You can say 'no' to your child!

diddl · 03/07/2014 21:37

But they are only everyday wear because you let it be so!

Why not get him some muddy walks/tree climbing appropriate clothes?

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 03/07/2014 21:37

Leece, does he really wear uniform and princess dresses? I hate the snide "reallys" on here, but, well - "Really?"

My rather unsympathetic answer would be "well buy him some!"

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2014 21:38

And my kids wore Spiderman/Batman outfits every day, but they still had to learn they couldn't wear them to school on a non dress up day.

Just say no. He will survive I promise....

Maria33 · 03/07/2014 21:38

As a teacher, surely you've encountered children whose parents never say no to them. It's not a happy scenario, least of all for them.

What I took from HTTSYKWL is that you need to listen and take their point of view seriously but that is not the same as never saying "No". Surely that book would advocate something like "I hear that you really want to wear your princess dress on home clothes day but this is not a dress up day. Now which special t-shirt would you like to choose instead?"

ilovesooty · 03/07/2014 21:38

mytwoblackandwhitecats as a former teacher I agree with you.

I think a "no" from parents should be enough without getting the teacher involved anyway. No wonder there are some secondary school pupils who can't cope with the word "no".

DeWee · 03/07/2014 21:39

And then the teacher says "I'm fine if he wants to wear it, but I can't guarantee it won't be spoiled".

All my dc have produced something I'm not happy with them wearing for non-uniform days. You say "no, go and choose something else as that won't do"... and then they go and choose something else and you either say "good choice" or "hmm, try again". With dd2 this can continue some time, but we get there in the end.

PotteringAlong · 03/07/2014 21:40

I'm in agreement with everyone else - you've said no, you've given a reason. End of discussion.

piratecat · 03/07/2014 21:40

yep even if he only wears these outside of school he is old enough to know they are dressing up clothes, and that dressing up clothes are not what a normal non uniform day are about.

It's hard to lay down the rules, harder if they don't like your reasons, but sometimes you have to. It gets worse lol.

my dd is a punk, not yet a teen and i encourage her all i can to be individual, but the studded belts aren't practical for school non uniform day

SaucyJack · 03/07/2014 21:40

I doubt his teacher cares what he wears on non-uniform days as long as it isn't a gimp suit.

If you don't want him to wear a princess dress, then it's down to you to say no.

Original poster

lecce · 03/07/2014 21:40

He has absolutely loads of other clothes. Mainly hand-me-downs from his brother, but also stuff I thought he would like such as (boys') pink trousers and t-shirts. Not a lot of this stuff as he never wants to wear it. I have suggested wearing it to school, but he doesn't want to.

I am wondering about letting him get an ordinary dress. Not sure what dh will think of that, though. He has been perfectly happy until very recently about ds's dress obsession, but has started to weary of the insistence on wearing them constantly. And buying an ordinary dress may seem different from dress-up one...

OP posts:

Thefishewife · 03/07/2014 21:40

If you can't get a child in year 2 to do what you say with out involvingthe school their is no hope

TheFairyCaravan · 03/07/2014 21:41

He only wears them all the time because you allow too. When my DC were small they had favourite clothes, I didn't indulge them by having the clothes always washed, ironed and ready to wear at every oppurtunity. They had to learn that certain situations called for certain types of clothing, and tbh I wouldn't want a girl or boy climbing a tree in a princess type dress. IMO that's an accident waiting to happen!

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 03/07/2014 21:41

If you're going to wash them, do them one at a time- it would be awful to deal with all dresses getting wrecked at the same time if they don't take too kindly to it.

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