Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

374 replies

cocktail82 · 03/07/2014 13:43

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 22:23

Wtf with the ann summers party comparison??

Must be a whole lot different from the one i went to!

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 22:25

Admittedly it was 20 years ago
so now do they have naked men gyrating for your pleasure?
Or still just flog stuff you use with your partner when having sex? Just like a strip club, erm . ? ?

thewavesofthesea · 03/07/2014 22:26

I also would not be bothered at all, indeed my husband has been to them on stag nights and it really didn't even cross my mind as an issue. His mates paid for him to have a lap dance on his stag do; again, I'm really not bothered! I know he loves me and find me the most attractive woman on the planet (not that I can understand it, but anyway!)

However everyone is different, and if it bothers you he needs to consider your feelings. If I had a problem with it I know my DH wouldn't go.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/07/2014 22:30

I've been to see male strippers during our early marriage, many years ago now. My dh hasn't been to a strip club, but stag doo's weren't really the thing when we started out.
It was saving for everything back then, so a few drinks with ya mates in a pub. An alternative was for mates to pay for one of those special day things.
Parachute bungee jump, hot air balloon, race tracks were popular.

TooOldForGlitter · 03/07/2014 22:43

Fucking hell I swear i'm on the wrong forum lately.

It's got f all to do with "coming home to me at the end of the night'' or the bloke looking at thinner/younger/prettier women. More about the idea that men find it acceptable, even normal to pay money in exchange for womens bodies. To pay money to say, look at the tits on that, geez that one's a bit porky. Womens bodies aren't commodities to be bought for mens viewing pleasure. That's without scratching the surface of trafficking, exploitation, alcohol and drug problems being rife. And bollocks to "my friend lurves doing it, it's empowering". Just, bollocks.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/07/2014 22:45

My wife is going on a hen do that is going to have a stripper. I'm not bothered in the slightest. I trust my wife and I'm sure the group will have a good time

To the poster who said that and to all the other posters who have said "I trust my partner" -you depress me, you really do. As if the only moral objection is the risk your partner might cheat.

Oh and those of you pearl-clutching about it not being acceptable for married men as it's disrespectful to their wives- don't you see what you're saying? You're colluding with the idea of n8ce girls and bad girls.

Coumarin · 03/07/2014 22:47

TooOld

What she said.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 22:54

TooOld I agree with the epithet "bollocks"

I hate these threads, they give me the rage

I have to limit myself to one sentence sarcasm or I get banned (again)....it is that simple to me these days

TooOldForGlitter · 03/07/2014 22:59

Reading the sexism in 80s thread and then this? What's changed? Fuck the patriarchy right up the arse. It wants it really...Angry

Downamongtherednecks · 03/07/2014 23:08

Well said TooOld

Hakluyt · 03/07/2014 23:09

Yep. Bollocks. I am just tired of saying the same thing over and over again.

And so depressed to think about the the eager, excited young woman I was in the 70s, and how I would not have believed it if somebody had told me I would still be saying the same things 35 years later.
Bollocks.

Quoteunquote · 03/07/2014 23:16

I know so many men that hate the sex industry, and what it does to society,

I'm so sorry OP, you have twonk,

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone who supports this industry,

was he always this way inclined, or is this his way of letting you know how he rates women, yourself included?

Horrible I hope you work it out.

Roobix04 · 03/07/2014 23:23

My dp used to work behind the bar in a strip club and it never bothered me. My best friend was also a waitress then a stripper and then an owner of a strip club so I've been a few times. Nothing really wrong with it imo but if you're uncomfortable then you're uncomfortable. My dp would probably bow out if I was really upset.

ravenAK · 03/07/2014 23:30

'Going to a strip club' = 'Thinking it's OK to treat women as a buyable commodity'.

Any time the father of my daughters, & my son for that matter, decides that that's something he's all right with, off he can fuck.

Dealbreaker for me, definitely.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 23:35

oh, thank God Smile

I am tired of getting deleted/warned/banned/thought of as a dried up ole hag who hates sex

some like minds warms my cockles Smile

MostWicked · 03/07/2014 23:43

He doesn't have to pay for a private dance. He can go along with his mates, have a drink then go home. Just like going to any other club.
It really depends if he has any self control
It's a bit pathetic if he can't say no.

AnsonsVoyageRoundTheWorld · 03/07/2014 23:43

My DH wouldn't dream of going to a strip club. He wouldn't be my DH if he thought it was an acceptable thing to do.
Strip clubs are seedy and tacky.

SaucyJack · 03/07/2014 23:46

I didn't have much of an opinion on them until DP told me the morning after that they'd "ended up" in one. I was eight months pregnant at the time. I felt hugely betrayed tbh. Deliberately choosing to be in a situation where you're using the sight of another woman's tits and fandango to get your jollies is a huge no-no in my take on monogamy.

I also just felt a bit embarrassed for him and his mates. They're all reasonably attractive blokes in happy LTRs and marriages- none of them are desperate. Having to pay someone to give you a bit of attention just seems a bit pathetic.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2014 23:49

I wouldn't have dated my H if he used the sex industry

I wouldn't have got engaged to my H if he used the sex industry

I wouldn't have married him if he used the sex industry

I wouldn't stay married to him if he used the sex industry

he has known this from early doors

if he decided his need to get a stranger's (possibly trafficked, possibly underage, possibly totally disinterested in being there) pubic mound ground into the front of his trousers for a tenner trumped my feelings on this he would be history

SmellsOfBiscuits · 03/07/2014 23:50

So basically your DH will go to this strip club because he wants to go. There is no other reason why an adult would do that other than because they want to.

He's happy to do this in the full understanding of your moral objections and the upset it will cause you?

What does that mean to you and your relationship? Are you just going to suck it up or what?

oaksettle · 03/07/2014 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamescompendium · 03/07/2014 23:53

Yes but what, his mates are going, what is he supposed to do?

As my Mother said when I was a child 'if your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it to?' It's a sign of maturity that you can say 'no, I'm not doing that, it's stupid and disrespectful'. More importantly than that, decent men need to stand up and say 'no' to these things for them to stop, sadly the misogynists won't listen to women telling them it's disrespectful but a mate telling them they won't do it will.

ModernUrbanSnowman · 04/07/2014 00:22

I'm male. I've been to strip clubs. Yes they degrade people, both customers and strippers. The sex of the individuals doesn't really come into it. If it's any consolation (and I doubt it is) everybody in strip clubs is miserable with the exception, sometimes, of the dancers.
In the specific instance of stag occasions, I have been to such venues with male stags and with lesbians b4 they tied the knot. Only the lesbians appeared to have a good time ... unusually for such events, they assumed that the female dancers were there by choice, struck up conversations and to some extent made friends. That club was a little higher up the food chain and the dancers we spoke to were about 50pct working through college. Most strippers are less well educated (in my limited experience) and enter the profession due to economic necessity rather than choice.
The politics are quite tricky. I do not believe strip clubs to be a cause of the objectification of women but rather to be a symptom of it. Women will not (in my opinion) be made more equal by their removal. I acknowledge that sexism is rife and pernicious and I am concerned that it will impact my two daughters, so I definitely have a horse in this race. It's just that I see women as more demeaned and damaged by Heat, Closer, Vogue, Marie Claire ...
I think you are being unreasonable but I also think your reasonableness to be entirely irrelevant to the issue. If you are made uncomfortable by this activity then you have a right to request your partner not to partake. That uncomfort may be ethical, sexual, a matter of trust ... again irrelevant to your right to make the request. Note however that to maintain a consistent position you should ask your partner to abandon the friend due to their poor judgement (in your opinion) or ethics or whatever. You should probably also ensure your partner has no access to the internet (most men masturbate and if you think strip clubs are bad you ain't seen nothing). Having removed that access to porn, you'll want to ensure he goes nowhere near a newsagent ... and then that you bring no magazines into the house. His sexual frustration will rise (because whatever your sex drive his is going to be greater) so you'll be wanting to keep him indoors during warm weather ...
Yes, damn it, I know I'm being ridiculous but men are ... and all the above have been avenues by which I have achieved sexual stimulus.
That may not be nice. It may not be what you would wish. It sure as heck isn't what I'd wish. It is, however, fact (direct personal experience, not true of all men, your mileage may vary) and it isn't going to go away because it isn't nice.
As a final thought: the main reason that male stag dos involve a strip club is because wives don't like it. That kind of defines a stag do. There are alternatives. Some stags choose "get so drunk we forget the whole thing afterward", some go with "lets get in a fight", only one (in my experience) chose "and then we'll all go to a prostitute" (I declined. I was married and take vows seriously - quite apart from the political, ethical, health and basic humanity issues).
Which of the "things wives don't like" would you pick? Most stags go with strip club. It's legal and among the least dangerous and least demeaning to all concerned.
Personally, I am very lucky. My now wife hates pubs. So all I had to do was go out for a pint with my dad and brothers. I also dislike pubs and prefer the company of women, so it wasn't exactly great fun ... but you do what you have to do.

TheUnexpectedMorrisDancer · 04/07/2014 01:23

I do get tired of hearing that I must be jealous, insecure or lack trust in my partner when I object to strip clubs. I am appalled at any person who can use a situation that exploits and disrespects any other person for their own entertainment and gratification.
YANBU, but I think your DH is going whether you like it or not. It's up to you how you react to that.

TheUnexpectedMorrisDancer · 04/07/2014 01:30

Mitnageek, your post is terribly insulting to men. You make it sound as if they have no mind of their own. My partner has, and uses, his own free will to decide what he will or will not partake in. He finds the degradation and exploitation of women as abhorrent as I do. I'm sure many will now tell me I am naive or deluded if I believe he doesn't use porn, but I do believe that there are many men in this world who refuse to use others for their own sexual entertainment and gratification.