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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

374 replies

cocktail82 · 03/07/2014 13:43

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

OP posts:
Callani · 03/07/2014 16:09

If I was invited to a hen do with male strippers and DP categorically told me that I was not allowed to go then he WBU however if he instead said "That makes me feel really upset" and I shrugged and told him I didn't care then IWBU.

Now this is a weird example for me because I've never had any inclination to see male strippers, but I'd hope that in either situation we'd take the other's feelings into account.

So I think YANBU to feel upset and that your DH IBU to dismiss your feelings out of hand.

NotEnoughTime · 03/07/2014 16:10

You are DEF not being unreasonable.

windchime · 03/07/2014 16:19

LTB

Notagainmun · 03/07/2014 16:19

YANBU. DH has not been to a strip club and when stripograms have turned up in the local pub he has left. He knows I would be upset at him looking at a live naked woman dancing provocatively.

I have no interest at going to a male strip show either so it helps we are on the same page.

When out one evening we walked past a bar and an ex colleague was outside on his own as his mate had organised a stripper and he said he could not watch a young woman stripping and it would be disrespectful to his wife of 16 years.

TheAwfulDaughter · 03/07/2014 16:24

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YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 16:27

I wouldn't like it either. But I'm suspicious that so many posters' dhs are appalled at strip clubs and have left a group of friends when they have gone inside. My sil tells a similar story about her DH being taken into one on a stag do and feeling very uncomfortable, leaving, phoning her to tell her about it and them never going back. In reality he is a cheating, womanising waste of space who I know continues to go to strip clubs and has done far worse besides. She's completely blind to him.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:34
  • he said he could not watch a young woman stripping and it would be disrespectful to his wife of 16 years

I am not condoing this but it sounds extreme, what about sex on tv?

do they look away then too?

halfdoneharris · 03/07/2014 16:35

YABU - It is just one of those things about stag dos that is a bit rubbish, but I would rather be told about them going than not be told and them do it anyway.
I think it is a bit harsh to expect all the married men to go to a different pub - from my experience with the stags that DH has attended they are full of married men (we are getting to that age) and so the groom may be the only 'singleton' left.
As long as you trust your DH I don't see the problem. If you saw a male stripper would you instantly want to cheat on your DH? Unlikely, so why would he be any different? If is just a pretty lady in knickers after all.

Hickorydickory12 · 03/07/2014 16:35

What's the difference between a dh chatting to a girl in a normal bar then going outside where she gyrates on you and juggles her boobs in your face and a strip club where you chat to a girl, and she takes you to a booth where she does the gyrating thing but you pay her to do it. Why does exchanging money make it any better? The action is exactly the same.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:35

But I'm suspicious that so many posters' dhs are appalled at strip clubs and have left a group of friends when they have gone inside

same here, why the need to be so OTT about it....

i just think a normal true not bothered reaction would be to go and not make a fuss....unless the men are trulley morrally agaisnt it...

Hickorydickory12 · 03/07/2014 16:36

It is grim and sleazy. Not placed for married men who should respect for their wives.

RockandRollsuicide · 03/07/2014 16:37

If you saw a male stripper would you instantly want to cheat on your DH? Unlikely, so why would he be any different?

Men are usually very differently aroused to women more visual

YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 16:39

I think a lot more men are taking a moral stance against it now, we're moving on from page 3 and the nineties (hopefully!) but my brother, one of the most considerate and liberal people I know, who is vegetarian because he cares about animal rights, a member of that anti-fascist movement speaking out against racism in Londom just now eye etc etc, sees no problem with strip clubs. We have clashed about it a lot but he enjoys them so will continue to go and not think about the less pleasant aspects of what he is doing.

ChelsyHandy · 03/07/2014 16:41

YANBU as personally, I have an aversion to any association with sleaze. I just find it really off-putting, and I wouldn't be able to see DH in the same light again and would probably have to dump him.

Doubly YANBU as its exploitative of women and uses them as sex objects - I'm guessing its not a strip club where men also perform in equal numbers?

I also view it a bit like a virus - while some are immune, some who are exposed become addicted to it and need further sleaze of a more depraved kind to give them the same kick.

I would expect DH to be able to not act like a sheep, and take himself off somewhere else instead. Mind you, he doesn't have any friends like that anyway.

Thurlow · 03/07/2014 16:41

*If you saw a male stripper would you instantly want to cheat on your DH? Unlikely, so why would he be any different?

Men are usually very differently aroused to women more visual*

Oh, right, yes. Because it's the state of arousal that causes them to cheat, isn't it? Hmm

TheAwfulDaughter · 03/07/2014 16:42

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Fairenuff · 03/07/2014 16:46

OP, you said that you wouldn't kick up a fuss about it, so I suppose you are not really that bothered. If that's the case then he will just go ahead and do it and you will have a bit of a moan about it then it will all be over.

However, if it does matter to you, then you are perfectly reasonable to tell him exactly how you feel and let him adjust his behaviour according to how much he cares about how you feel.

Rubadubstylee · 03/07/2014 16:47

YANBU not wanting him to go.

But, on the other hand I wouldn't be issuing threats or demanding he didn't go. I'm pretty certain my husband wouldn't want to go! and I couldn't see his friends actively deciding to go but, if he was placed in a position where everyone else was going except for him, I'd completely understand if he went along with it rather than sat by himself for an hour in a busy city pub waiting for them.

YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 16:48

The thing is op, if he is going to go, he is his own person and you cannot stop him. All he will do is lie to you about it once he knows your position if he still wants to go.

You can choose whether to accept his behaviour or not though. I have always made it known that if I find DH in a strip club, all bets are off and I will stop holding back my own desires to have naked male genitalia in my face if I want to. Grin

overmydeadbody · 03/07/2014 16:52

I think it is pretty sad (as in pathetic) that some people think this is what stag dos are all about these days.

DP has been to 5 stag dos since I've known him, not one of them involved a strip club or any other club for that matter.

Plenty of men don't see it as par for the course. It's pretty unoriginal isn't it, a strip club and drinking.

OP YANBU. Nothing you can do to stop him, but he should respect your views and get a spine.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 16:53

its not unreasonable to feel how you do but if your dh still wants to go, it would be unreasonable to stop him
that said, i would lose all respect for my dh if he had the kind of friends who went to strip clubs for stag do's

Hakluyt · 03/07/2014 16:54

"It's not about envy, or competition with women who have so few good choices in life that getting by means you have to straddle a greasy bloke for 40 quid, it's about not wanting your partner to be supporting the sex industry- either with a dance or an overpriced pint."

This.

YourBrotherInLaw · 03/07/2014 16:56

TheAwful that's pretty shocking. I despair of him on this issue to be honest. If I bring it up, he immediately attacks me for being sex-negative (which I'm not at all!) and wanting to shut down other women who have the right to consent to strip if they want to (face palm) and will not listen to sense. We have agreed to disagree after many a too-heated argument on the matter.

Thurlow · 03/07/2014 16:59

I'm not entirely sure it's fair to judge someone along the lines of i would lose all respect for my dh if he had the kind of friends who went to strip clubs for stag do's

Off the top of my head, I know that one stag do where DP ended up in a strip club was organised by friends of the groom-to-be that DP didn't know at all. Groups like this will often include family members, friends from school, friends from a sports club, friends from uni, friends from work - they probably don't all know each other. At another one I seem to remember DP saying that it had been organised by the best man because that was what he thought people did on a stag do, but once they were there they realised that no one actually wanted to be there, and just shuffled off after a few over-priced beers.

Bit tangential I know, but it just struck me as enormously unfair to suggest that it would be one person's fault for even ending up in a group where this was going to happen!

CiderLover · 03/07/2014 17:01

I don't see the problem at all.

Women go to chippendale concerts and the like, that is just seen as fun yet involves more "participation".

I would not be bothered at all by my DP going to one (they wouldn't)