Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

[cocktail82]

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

RockandRollsuicide: Yes but what, his mates are going, what is he supposed to do?

If my husband's mates had any respect and friendship for him, they would take into account his feelings on not wanting to attend and arrange something alternate. The same is true in verse, see below.

Thurlow: I try to think what I'd do the other way around - if, say, I'd been invited to a hen do with strippers or those naked butler things.

My best friend recently suggested the idea (rather tame considering the subject matter here) of a Ann Summers party for her birthday. Not my sort of thing I told her, please don't be offended if I don't come. When I spoke up, three others friends said similar. So she arrange something different for her birthday instead and we all had a great time.

He doesnt say much on it really. Just that its part of the stag do, and hes not bothered about these kind of places well he would say that wouldnt he. So as far as I am aware he will still be going and I would never kick up a fuss and say he cant go.

I think what makes it worse is that I am not overly confident in my own figure, and hate the thought of him looking at all these slim girls and wanting that, maybe thats what is bothering me more?

Sorry, just realised we were in AIBU. I'd say you Are possibly being a bit unreasonable, but you know you husband best. I wouldn't be happy if I honestly thought my husband would loose all control and start paying for private dances etc. If your husband is just going along with the stag group because it is what has been arranged then I don't really see the issue. Generally with stag and hen does there are elements that you would not do normally, but go along with eg nightclubs, stupid t-shirts etc. but that's kind of par for the course I guess. I agree with the comment about them being tedious and unerotic tbh, but I would not be happy if DW decided that I couldn't go to a stag do (or part of it).

My DH doesn't like them, thinks they're sleazy and wouldn't want to go in one. I'm guessing they'll be men in this stag party that feel that way, that he can go elsewhere with.

It's not difficult to say 'Nah, I'm not that fussed on these kinds of places, you guys go and I'll catch up later. Anyone fancy coming to the Red Lion for a pint?" or whatever.

If he goes in, it's because he wants to. Nothing to do with what he friends want/think.

Cocktail, we are bombarded with pictures of airbrushed 'perfect' women everyday. It hasn't put him off you. I doubt an hour in a strip club is going to make a blind bit of difference to how much he loves and fancies you. We can be our own worded enemies at times.

I think that's it, Trapper - I would be uncomfortable telling DP what to do or not do, and I would not be happy if he told me what I could do.

In a relationship you should be able to reach compromises and have trust with each other. If I was very unhappy with DP going to a strip club I would tell him, and explain why. I would ask him to sort of ask around the group if everyone else wants to go, maybe there will be other men who don't fancy it and they can all go to another pub. But if DP would be the only person not going, I would equally respect him if he said he didn't want to leave his friends for the night - after all, if these were close friends then it is reasonable for him to want to spend time with them. I would trust him if he said that he would just have drinks and not buy a dance.

I would not be happy with my DH going, def not...I would feel hurt and somehow betrayed too.

But I am just wondering what he is supposed to do?

In the city, drinks afetr work and a stip club are par for course and women go too...

YADNBU. DH knows that (for me) this is the same as cheating, so if he chose to go along he would have to accept the consquences.

• I would ask him to sort of ask around the group if everyone else wants to go, maybe there will be other men who don't fancy it and they can all go to another pub

yes but telling him how you feel may not change his desire to go...

DH did the 'let's go to the pub with the blokes who don't want to pay a fortune for shit beer' once. Worked well. They took the piss out of the others for being sad and suckers.

Of course it might not, rock. But conversations like this on MN are sadly not going to help too much. Some people would be devastated if their OH even set foot in a strip club, some people would prefer them not to go but it wouldn't be the end of the world, some people wouldn't mind at all.

It was just a suggestion to the OP. If her DH wants to go anyway to not stick out from his friends and be the only one who doesn't go then it is up to her to decide how she feels about that.

The problem here is the OP's DH doesn't not want to go.

He fully intends to go.

We can make all kinds of suggestions as to how he can avoid it and arrange an alternative, if he has even an ounce of intelligence he can give it a swerve very easily.

But he has no intention of not going.

He's told her he's going, he knows she's upset, but he's shrugged his shoulders and is going anyway.

YANBU. I would judge any of the men who attended, whether in a relationship or not. This isn't just an issue of cheating. It's more about how men regard women

Would the men in the stag group be content for their sisters to work in a strip club & have strangers ogling at them?

YANBU because if you're uncomfortable with it that's something he shoud respect. But I agree with those who question if a ban would be put on a woman going to see strippers.

DH has been to many a strip club on rugby tours etc, he finds them quite boring and says the drinks are overpriced. He'd also never pay for a dance and finds it all a bit sad. I don't mind because he's honest about it and I think dances are a bit beyond ogling and on the verge of prostitution.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I'd be very pissed off if I was told that I couldn't see some male strippers on a hen and would think dp very controlling and paranoid. I would dump a partner rather than be controlled an bossed around like that.

It seems your problem is more that you're feeling dumpy and out of shape rather than having any moral objection to strip clubs. Instead of demanding your husband limit his experiences, why not deal with the problems that are giving you such low self esteem? Short of blinding himself, he'll always see pretty girls everywhere anyway so giving yourself a body you're happy with is far easier than being threatened by other women's looks.

If you're happy with yourself and confident in your relationship, you won't care whether he sees women naked because it's not a threat to you. If you're unhappy with yourself, paranoid and controlling as a result then you're going to push him away. If you show him that you have so little trust in him, he may think why bother being trustworthy, she's assuming I'm up to no good anyway.

anyway I dont think your BU op at all, it would be very difficult for me to deal with, however aside from telling him your feelings, then leaving him to it...there is not much more you can do, of course the bezxt scenrio would be for him to choose not to go for his own reasons or for you....

I'm curious why the OP's opinion trumps her husbands.

No adult really has the right to tell another not to do a legal activity. Take all the sociological hand wringing out of it and it's his choice.

However, let's not ignore that he wants another woman's fanjo & tits in his face and by doing so he is consciously upsetting his wife. Now that's mean

I don't think male and female stoppers are the same. There is a whole different power dynamic.

Maybe you could talk to your H about who these girls are that are taking their clothes off for him. Does he think they want to? That they are being paid well? Looked after? Can he guarantee that none of them have been forced into it? What if it was his daughter ring ogled by a bunch of blokes.

I firmly believe that a woman has the right to strip if she wants to, but don't let your husband kid himself that there is no harm in this section of the sex industry.

I would hate it of my husband went to a strip club. I am nor paraoid and am not controlling - this is nothing to do with cheating or how I feel about myself - more that I did not marry a man that would spend money in a place that offers women's bodies and fake sexual interest as part of a 'lad' night. He has turned down two invitations that I know of to clubs like this, he feels the same as I do.
If for some insane reason he went to one I would be really hurt, I would not choose to do something that I knew would upset him for the sake of some immature lads' night out ogling women that despise them.

Can you try and explain calmly and quietly to him how you feel?

I don't think male and female strippers are the same

While I know what you mean and that there is a much, much more considerable issue with exploited and trafficked women in the sex industry than there is with men, I don't think you can just separate the two.

I don't think you can sit there and say "men can't watch female strippers, but women can watch male strippers".

To me 'do as I say, not do as I do'.

What if OPs DH actually wants to go!?
his mates want to go to the strip club, his wife doesn't want him to go. What about what he wants? Surely thats the real question that should be asked.

That's fair enough Thurlow.

But I always think that when people start turning the argument into discussing make strippers we all majorly miss the point.

Each gender working in the sex industry have their own issues. And when it comes to strippers there is a difference between males and females in terms of how they are viewed, and treated by the customer, and the broader mores and roles that they have to play on.

And I would not watch a male stripper either!

I'm a man and have been in exactly the same situation. There's nothing to stop him doing what I did - going in and sitting in a corner with a (seriously overpriced) pint.

If my other half was in the same position I certainly wouldn't banish her from attending. I know her well enough to be comfortable she wouldn't be at the front of the stage screaming and groping.

Yanbu

Strip clubs are horrible for so many reasons