Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

[cocktail82]

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

YANBU.

If I found out my partner went to one it would really make me question whether I wanted to be with him or not.

Because if you truly respect a woman then you wouldn't do it.

Harmless bit of fun? Yeah OK but:
a) at someone else's expense
b) when you also have a partner

Why would you want to see someone else naked if you have a partner? Unless it's something prearranged by both partners i.e. swinging or erotic dance or something like that.

I just don't see why it would be necessary.

I'd like to think my partner would be strong willed enough to say no because he says he has no interest in it. If he was interested, he wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.

As a woman I think it takes more of a 'man' not to go along with the crowd, than to be all 'boysih' and see a stripper.

Because that's what it is - boyish.

It's like giggling boys wanting to see naughty parts of a woman but not to touch them.

Eck.

(FWIW I'm not prudish at all - I just think it's pretty pathetic).

"So. Ms Geek would promptly rip me a new one, if she thought I am the sort of person some here think I am."

But I don't know what sort of person you are. I'm not even sure whether you think strip clubs are OK or not- and that's what this thread is about! I know you are against the objectification of women in the media. But that's about all.

And I'm sorry- but I have absolutely no idea what your last post means.

I can summarise for mitna!

Men love sex more than ladies.
You probably don't know but Porn is quite shocking these days.
So don't complain about silly lap dancing clubs.
And what about heat and those magazines?
You probably don't know but they are much worse.
Men who go to lap dancing clubs often still love their wives!
Btw you think I'm quite the chauvinist
But I'm not. So there.

Haklyut you are absolutely right. My dh doesn't go to these places because they are morally wrong. And yes, a few times on stag nights he has walked out (with others!) saying that it just isn't his thing. Even though he works in an industry where clients are often 'entertained" by being taken to these places, he "makes his excuses and leaves". Every single time. Because the women are treated like shit, and he doesn't treat anyone like shit.

Well hakluyt I have one poster telling me I was mostly quite coherent and another saying my words are impenetrable.

I'll try short words even though I find them more vague.

I think strip clubs are bad, they demean clients and performers. I think they are a sign of, not a cause of, bad thinking in society. I have been to strip clubs. Mostly this has been with stag dos. I do not like stag dos. Many stag dos have a nudge-nudge "won't be able to do this when you're married" theme. This is a bit childish. Sometimes, at the stage where the strip club fits in, to the 'do' I have thought "hmm it looks like the workers here are being exploited" and I have gone my own way. Other times, I have thought "looks well run with worker safety high on the agenda" and I have gone in and been exploited. On yet other times I have been so pissed at that point that I can't tell you what I did. I don't like drinking either, so I probably wasn't unaffected by peer pressure.
I do not think that is grounds for divorce. Many people here do and I'm discussing it with them.
The strength of those other people's feelings has caused me to do a bit of research. I found some of the stuff I looked at interesting, and presented it in as unbiased a way as I could until asked to stop.
I am now doodling here because I find the arguments on both sides interesting.

ravenAK good comeback. Your line about the performing cockroach made me snort juice down my nose. Fair enough.
Fwiw my posn re the op is and was upthread. I first said a qualified "let him get on with it" and revised that to "you have bigger problems, look at the power balance in your relationship"

Jonhfarley. Last time your summary was emotive and deliberately insulting but essentially correct. This time it is only emotive and deliberately insulting. Please let me speak for myself, however poorly. I am always willing to clarify if I use hard words.

I don't think my DCs father would set foot in one, not because he objects or because i object, he would just find the whole thing very embarrassing. I think for him it would be torture.

I don't think all men would pay for a dance at all. I think some choose to go alone for whatever reason, some go as part of a group as a or during a night out. Some of the group will go because everyone else is going and some of the group will pay for dances, others will think what a rip off whilst drinking their £8 pint or £10 vodka asking 'are you done yet'.

I apologise for paraphrasing but which part of it was incorrect?

yanbu at all

it is sad that it is so accepted now in society that if you are not happy with your dh/dp going to one you have to explain yourself

what is the need to explain that you do not want your dh/dp in a place where women strip off and rub their genitals over paying customers

why would anyone want to pay someone to do that it is seedy to use a prostitute but ok for a man (or woman) to pay a dancer to sexually stimulate them

JohnFarley. The order and emphasis make it sound I though my objections to 'glossy magazines' are sexual, rather than related to their infuence on my daughters' body image.
I have not so far as I remember talked about any correlation between attendance at strip clubs and the love or otherwise of husbands, though I did reassure the op that I was sure she was loved and desirable, which seemed to me to be things she needed reassurance about.

I have not (not intentionally, anyway) said men like sex more than women - although I did suggest that "his sex drive will be higher than yours" I was careful not to talk about enjoyment of or capacity for fulfilment and provided a sourced reference supporting my position. The comment was also made in a specific context which you do not acknowledge.

i did not suggest people do not know porn is shocking, except in a rhetorical device for which I have apologised. In fact, I relied on the fact that people find porn shocking for the intended power of that arguement.

I can easily go on but I'll jump to "you think im ... but im not so there"

I have had cause to defend myself against attacks on my morality and have been told that I am various different types of thoughtlessly bad.

Whilst this element of your summary does pick up some gist of my response, it makes it sound as though im using my assumed [whatever the ooposite of chauvinist is] to justify my position, whereas I have frequently admitted my failings and have sought to bolster my case with attributed work by people who've given this more thought than I ever will.

Erm ... so there!

Is this thread all about the menz yet?

Dunno raven, why don't you read it?

Well raven, ive certainly had a lot of input ... ... and some have said my line is "mens rights".

I'm new here. Would it be fair to assume you've seen this before?

(For context, I've not felt like I'm giving a "poor old me" arguement)

Lol. Blunt fairenuff. Very blunt.

Harmless bit of fun? Yeah OK but:
a) at someone else's expense
b) when you also have a partner

Why would you want to see someone else naked if you have a partner? Unless it's something prearranged by both partners i.e. swinging or erotic dance or something like that.

Seriously? no matter how much you love your partner my guess is you will still want to look and there is nothing wrong with that. Do you shun your eyes when walking by people in the street too?

First, I think YABU to the OP. Nobody likes to be controlled. It's one thing not to want to go to a strip club, but I would hate to not go during a stag because "I am not allowed to." I also find the suggestion that the men with partners should go to a pub instead a bit odd. If it's morally bad to go to these places, isn't it also bad for single men?

The OP herself admitted that part of the reason is that she feels self conscious about her body. is that a good reason? of course, different partnerships have different boundaries, but I am not convinced that's a great reason.

I agree that strip clubs likely aren't good for women in general and for the specific women involved, but my guess it is more complicated than that. I agree with the comment above that women's magazines likely do more damage, and you can't turn around without seeing one of those. Also, my guess is that part of the reason why sex work is bad for women is precisely because some of the attitudes here. It obviously stigmatized to be on either side of it judging from the comments above. Is sex work less damaging for women in a place where it is more acceptable and well regulated like the Netherlands? I don't know.

arf raven.. Sorry mitna, not just seen it all before, but lived it all before. I assume you are MRA, and the mansplaining confirmed it.

Heh Fairenuff - what, again? I think I've managed to grasp much of it first time round, although our mansplainer-in-residence-for-the-evening apparently thought I needed to check out his wit & wisdom twice.

You are giving me a slight touch of deja vu, mitna, yes...I think we've definitely seen your act on MN a time or two before.

what has happened to Larry

he always popped up on these threads

I've never been here before friday or thursday something like that

I followed a link about pinworm & threadworm and stayed to talk

Unless it lays you open to any risk pm me and I'll give you enough id to do background checks irl. If you really need it though it will probably be inconvenient and embarrassing were you to take me up on it.

Though I am aware this is an old arguement, of course, so the 'seen it before' question was a bit tongue in cheek

h shit. Ive just read the rules. I shouldn't use my name. Um I have. Help?

mitna tisn't good form in these 'ere parts to try to get people to contact you privately for RL verification. This isn't a dating site.

No ive just in sequence shat myself and reported my post