Am i being unreasonable to not be ok with my husband going to a strip club?

[cocktail82]

Next weekend my husband is going on a stag do, and one of the nights the activity is going to a strip club. I hate the idea of him going there and oogling all these half naked woman and putting his hand in his pocket and paying for a dance. It just feels like some sort of legalised cheating to me, but he said its just how stag dos are these days, and do I expect him to wait outside whilst the others go in?!

Of course I dont, but would like to think all of the married men on the stag do would have a bit more respect for their wives and say they will go somewhere else and meet them later or something, am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

coryH I'm really self-conscious about posting now ... but wanted to come back at you with my revision/retraction to the op.
You are certainly more beautiful and more desirable than you think.
This relates to my mini rant about the media. An unrealistic body image is the 'standard'. It terrifies me when I look at what it does to my girls' self-confidence. Mainly the older ... but the younger (7!) Has asked "am I too fat?' I mean her long bones aren't even fully formed! And she has this mental image that goes: me ?=? barbie ...
I bet you're gorgeous.

I'm interested in the posters that say '' my husband has been to strip clubs but has never had a lap dance''
How would you know .... if you weren't there?

You don't think any husband is going to come home and say. "I want to be honest with you darling... I had a lap dance tonight''

He would get his eyes ripped out.

So he is going to tell you the words you 'want' to hear.

And to those that say "but I trust my husband and he loves me so I know he wouldn't do anything like that'' _

Cheating is very often about 'opportunity' and trust doesn't always figure in things.

A man can love his wife to bits, but if he's presented with an opportunity, and he knows nobody will find out.... then he's going to take that opportunity.
(That's also why a lot of businessmen have one night stands on business trips. Nobody's going find out and its not hurting anybody. They still love their wives and their wives still trust them)

But if the offer presents itself most men WILL take it.

Yes its the same with me as i have 3 dds. They are certainly more aware of their looks than i was as a child/teen. My tween is very conscious of her appearance and seems a lot older than i remember being at her age.

Not all men are into it and not all men are lying about that.

My DH has been on two stag dos where a visit to a strip club was part of the action.

One time he and two others said a polite 'nah, not into it, thanks' and went to the pub.

The other time, DH went in to the club reluctantly, but he and anther guy left when they all started getting private dances as they thought it was 'sad' and embarrassing'. DH described the way his colleagues were leering over these vacant eyed girls and sending hundreds of pounds on nothing...he thought it was pathetic.

I believe my DH 100%.

I also used to believe my ex 100 percent...only to find that he'd cheated on almost every business trip he went on..
We used to tell each other everything and kept no secrets (so I thought) even his friends and family were shocked as he was the opposite of what you would call a player.

I think he did it, because he could.

"A man can love his wife to bits, but if he's presented with an opportunity, and he knows nobody will find out.... then he's going to take that opportunity."

People are spectacularly missing the point. It is nothing about loving their wives. It is about whether or not they are the sort of man who would not do anything to support an industry that exploits and degrades women, both the actual women who work in them and every other woman in the world who suffers vicariously because the sex industry encourages the concept of woman as commodity.

I trust my partner. But obviously I can never say 100% that he would never have an affair or a ONS. I can however say 100% that he would never go to a strip club, because it would be completely against his principals. And that would apply even if he was single. Nothing to do with his relationships. Everything to do with the sort of man he is and his beliefs and small p politics. And there are many men like him.

See, its not a trust/cheating thing to me. I dont equate it to that.

DH just doesnt enjoy strip clubs. He thinks they're soul-less, a rip off, weirdly commercial and just not fun. He thought that when he was single, he thinks that now.

Laqueen, it does turn you into a bit of a realist unfortunately!

I also agree that a man could go umpteen times and NOT do anything wrong, but one time, if the circumstances are right - maybe he's had an argument with his wife, maybe they're going through a rough patch, maybe he's not getting much sex, maybe going through a midlife crisis,money worries,
Or a combination of all the above - then he is RIPE for cheating....and if the opportunity is presenting itself to him, on a plate .......then it has to be a very strong willed man that can resist.

But as you rightly say, you can't go through life being suspicious, after what I know now, I am no longer naieve. I wish I still was.

Haklyt, I see where you're coming from.... it 'should' be about the exploitation of the women that work in these places, but I think OP is uneasy about her husband going for other reasons.... mainly trust issues I expect....
And that is why some of us are giving the answers that we are.

I'd put 'dh going to a strip club' in the same category as 'dh drinking Nescafe whilst wearing mink/going to watch dog fighting/joining UKIP' though, not 'dh flirting with a female colleague/having a ONS/fantasising about my best mate'.

It's not about me deciding to 'LTB!' because of real or potential sexual misbehaviour, it'd be about him financially contributing to something I find quite abhorrent.

It would mean we had fundamentally different values, & quite possibly incompatible ones.

So I don't think I could just think: 'meh, so he's been ripped off for a watered-down pint & has no ability whatsoever to resist peer pressure' - although I'd think he was a bit of a sad tosser for that too, tbh...

Well put Raven that's exactly how I would see it too.

Corey, the conclusion you have come to that women who work in the sex industry can expect to be treated more badly on some sort of sliding scale dependent on their looks is a very sad indictment of the whole situation that women find themselves in

Do you see that at all ? Do you think it's ok ?

Yes Raven and Hakluyt there is some spectacular missing of the point here.

I also agree that a man could go umpteen times and NOT do anything wrong, but one time

Er Voting BNP and UKIP is legal too but once is enough.

I cant say that is what happens, its just a guess. I would imagine the more up market the club the money there is to be made with more girls wanting to work there giving the club more choice as to who they let work there. When i went in there was a mix of girls which i suppose they have to do to cater for their customers.

If this is the case then no i don't think its ok but i don't work in one. If you don't think its ok then i guess you don't choose to do it as a job. Its just a money making racket with everything set up to make as much money as possible.

We disagree, that is clear.

You think that putting a foot inside (an establishment you find abhorrent for reasons you have made clear) is wrong in a big way. I (and possibly others) think it is wrong in a smaller way.

I don't think anyone has missed your point. It's been asserted strongly and often. But seeing your point of view (I do) and agreeing with your point of view (I don't) do not have the equivalency you give them.

"I don't think anyone has missed your point. It's been asserted strongly and often. But seeing your point of view (I do) and agreeing with your point of view (I don't) do not have the equivalency you give them."

I don't give them equivalency. But it is incontrovertible that going to a strip club supports the sex industry. And it is incontrovertible that the sex industry is damaging to women, both individually and as a "class".

And the vast majority of people on this thread apparently don't get that point, because they are discussing it in terms of respect for wives at home and "cheating". And not seeing any issue beyond the strictly personal.

But you aren't married to the OP, or to any of the posters on this thread saying they would regard going to a strip-club as a deal-breaker, mitnageek.

Maybe Mrs Geek thinks these establishments are 'wrong in a small way', as some posters on this thread do. Then you have no problem, & fair play to you both. This is not the OP's situation.

Dh & I disagree, frequently & vehemently, but we have things we can agree to disagree on (politics, religion, & the acceptability of Muppet-patterned 'lounge wear' for example) & things which are non-negotiable values.

As it happens, we are in full agreement about strip clubs being wrong in quite a big way; big enough for me to at least question our relationship if we didn't agree.

I don't think anyone's arguing that an ability to see a different POV is equivalent to agreement with it!

Oh. Ok hakluyt I misunderstood the misunderstanding. If that's what was meant, I retract my objection. That would indeed be spectacularly missing the point.

Mitnageek- I have to say that I still don't really understand what you're getting at on this thread.

YANBU OP for so many reasons. If DH did this he would not be the man I thought he was.

was linked to on another thread. It seems relevant to this one. It's long but very engaging and has things to say about the 'choice' and 'empowerment' brand of feminism.

Xpost. Raven. Mrs Geek did not take my name and prefers ms. And I said smaller not small. It's being picky, I know, but small things matter.

Which gives me a bit if a puzzler ... I would change names "to protect the innocent" but tbh I am easily and immediately identifiable to anyone who knows me even remotely well. Partly the way I "speak" (pompous, arrogant, loves big words, (hem) a bit pedantic) and partly because mitnageek is not a pseudonym, it's my day to day handle. So I'll keep the geek bit but change the Mrs.

So. Ms Geek would promptly rip me a new one, if she thought I am the sort of person some here think I am. She has a first class degree in an arguementative discipline, an italian temper, and a proper nasty way with words. She does not tolerate fools, is among the most vehement equality-ists of my acquaintance and will not stand aside when there is injustice. She is politically active, believing that fine words butter no parsnips. She has fought for the women's refuge here in the same way you'd expect a tiger to fight, defending its cubs.

And yet I show minimal fear and every sign of feeling free to express my opinion. How can this be?

Please go back through my posts. I know there's been a lot of them. (I'm an avid reader and am daunted at the idea of 320 messages. But I guess they're not all mine)

When you find the one that says "oooh strip clubs. Luvverly" bring it to my attention. I will then slit my own wrists, because I'm doomed anyway and might as well make it painless.

If, as I dearly hope, you find that I've been (with a random consistency) been trying to get across sentiments equivalent to "not as bad as ..." then you'll understand Ms Geek a little better, be able to argue your (very worthwhile) case a little more cogently and juust maybe accept that whilst I agree I am a really really bad person who should wear hair shirts and flagellate myself all the way to the nearest place of worship, I am not cockroach all the way to the bone.

I examine my opinions. I try damn damn hard not to prejudge others. I am very very suspicious of things that are so true that we all just have to accept them.

I like to assess the size and shape of my morality regularly. Equally regularly I fail to live up to my own appallingly high standards of behaviour. I recognise that I am human and fallible but I try not to use it as an exvuse to be an utter shit.

I judge case by case. I have not yet achieved enlightenment and inner peace but do my best to live with my contadictions in this oh so impetfect and contradictory world.

How do you measure up, sunshine. Shall we have a couple of rounds of 'holier than thou'?

Hakluyt. Tell me what will help you understand. Ill do my best.

Unfortunately the pompous way you speak mitna, totally obscures what you are trying to say.

Hakulyt, I agree. I find it odd that when discussing lap dancing clubs, we get diverted into a. Happy stripper and b. faithful husband territory. Surely the bigger issues are: do you think lap dancing clubs have a negative affect on our society (especially women)?

And yet I show minimal fear and every sign of feeling free to express my opinion. How can this be?

why would it not be?

& why would anyone need to read through your posts again? They were mostly quite coherent the first time round, but perhaps not sufficiently incisive or profound to reward further study.

In fact, you've failed to distract me from the 15 exercise books I really should mark this evening, which is a thing a performing cockroach could normally do quite easily .