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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend being unreasonable about his wedding?

216 replies

CannulaNellie · 02/07/2014 14:11

I'm not emotionally invested in this and can see both sides of the coin but am interested in what others think.

I have a friend who's getting married in his future in-laws country house - very lovely indeed. The house is completely private and not open to the public but is set in large and pretty grounds, a couple of fields I think as well as a garden.

Invitations arrived a week or so ago and in that blurb pamphlet thing that often accompanies wedding invitations there was a bit about accommodation. Previous to the invitations being sent out the couple had said to lots of people that as the location was quite remote guests would be welcome to camp in the fields if they wanted. Anyway, the pamphlet mentioned camping and said that they would be charging £20 per head for this which would be going to a children's charity, so for a family of 4 £80.

In our friendship group there has been much muttering about this charge as virtually everyone is travelling to attend with their whole family. Some people think it's a very bizarre thing to do and why not just have donations to charity in lieu of wedding presents if that's something the couple feel strongly about, and others are happy to 'pay' despite there being no facilities as such and that there are local campsites that charge £25 per night in total.

What do you think?

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 03/07/2014 15:23

Surely people would only stay after the wedding - they would be ready as they arrive Hmm

Tentedjuno · 03/07/2014 15:28

No Glasgow, they would have to put the tents up before the wedding, then get changed in them. They would not want to put up tents after the wedding, as they would be in their posh outfits and probably a bit pissed.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 03/07/2014 15:36

Perhaps the servants will put the tents up...

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 03/07/2014 15:39

Or local children, at a charge of 20 pounds a head, to themselves (the word charity on the invite was a predictive text prompt - should have been 20 pounds to the children of the local peasants who we've hired to put up your tents...

EverythingIsAwesome · 03/07/2014 15:39

I would be declining such a wonderful invitation!

ThermoLobster · 03/07/2014 15:52

This is fantastic! Best wedding thread ever!
Please don't let your DH make the arrangements though. If he is anything like mine, high heels in muddy field, getting changed in tent, what to do with kids in the evening and how to feed them - none of that will register with him as issues!

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 03/07/2014 16:09

"Surely people would only stay after the wedding - they would be ready as they arrive"

So you're envisaging guests putting up their tents while dressed in suits and posh frocks? I might pay £20 to watch that, to be fair...

dwinnol · 03/07/2014 16:13

I agree you shouldn't let DH be in control of this, mine would think it a great adventure to get dressed for a wedding in a tent. He thinks a campsite is cheating if it has running water.

GoEasyPudding · 03/07/2014 16:37

Leaving it your DH? Have you lost your mind?
This adds to the excitement of this thread no end.

No reflection on your DH of course but not sticking your oar in now and sorting this yourself will result in you and kids in a tent at 1am listening to the bass line of "We are family".

FruVikingessOla · 03/07/2014 18:08

This has all the makings of a Carry On film Grin

Original poster
CannulaNellie · 03/07/2014 18:09

DH (also quite rah) thinks it will all be great fun. I think it has disaster written all over it but they're very close friends of his.

I've vetoed the 'dormitory' idea which was also offered at the same price. Can you imagine me seething and grinding my teeth at 2am as the partygoers tumble in pissed and I'm hissing 'the children are asleep be quiet!'. Then everyone being chuffed as monkeys to be woken at 6 by my kids...

I'm going to pitch the tent at the back of the field and let DH have a ball (and sleep in a bloody dorm probably) and take the bulk (all) of the childcare. Me and my kindle will spend a happy evening together!

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 03/07/2014 18:13

It sounds to me like maybe your friend has generously promised everyone they can camp out at his in-laws house without thinking it through and now the in-laws are panicking that there won't be enough space or that many people camping will churn the fields and garden into mud. They don't want to say people can't stay but are trying to restrict numbers with this charge. It's not like they are making a profit if the money is going to charity. They are allowing the couple to get married in a lovely country house with lavish gardens for free, that sort of thing would cost them £1000s if their family didn't own the property, and it is stressful hosting such a large, important event at home, maybe the in-laws are starting to feel a bit put upon? That said, the charge itself is unreasonable and I would just stay at the local campsite, which might be what they really want people to do anyway.

FruVikingessOla · 03/07/2014 18:36

"DH (also quite rah) thinks it will all be great fun."

It probably would be great fun if it was just a weekend away - "oh, you can camp in the IL's field".

But for a wedding, with all your smart clothes, DC not invited to the evening do etc etc ... oh dearie me!

maddy68 · 03/07/2014 18:43

Just say thank you. I'll make a donation to the charity of my choice in Lou of camping fees. Thank you so much for your kind offer.

I expect they are buying in porta loos for the wedding guests for the day anyway

IamRechargingthankYou · 03/07/2014 20:46

What about if the children stay in the 'dormitories' and the adults in the tents - I'm assuming these are the top-floor abodes some country houses use to have for the servants. 1 for younger tots and one for the under 12s +. One encouraging earlier sleep and the other with loads of dvds, wi-fi, wii's etc to keep em busy (or puzzles, chess, backgammon?). Parents can from time to time to go and check and I'm sure a couple will end up in in them anyway (post-bacchus exhaustion.) If the older ones wander later into the proceedings - I'm sure they'll fit in somewhere after all present are more relaxed.

Adults can change in a dressing room provided in the 'big house' and change back into tent-clothes (wellies, overcoats, onesies?).

This has the makings of a really great wedding - the adult campers could bring their own instruments (and various stashes) and finish it off with a fantastic camp-cooked 'wedding breakfast' in the morning - champers and bloody mary's included.
A few gazebos, tarps and ingenuity would deal with the rain. What fun!

Can I come please?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/07/2014 21:18

This is a serious question, CannulaNellie. Why are you going?

If you want to see your friends being married, then ... yes ... then you, your DH and your children should go to the ceremony. BUT then leave. Get in your car and head off home ... however far that is. Stop off on route for a family meal and do the whole thing at your pace.

Surely that would be preferable to leaving the ceremony to return to a tent in a field, possible in the pouring rain, with no camp site facilities ... where you and your DH will take alternate turns (for the rest of the day and night) to entertain the children, feed them, wash them and get them to bed ... while periodically running back and forth across the field (possibly in the pouring rain), to eat a bit of the meal, watch a bit of the toasts and observe a bit of the celebrations.

I repeat my serious question, CannulaNellie. Why on earth are you going?

CorporateRockWhore · 03/07/2014 21:23

Cannula I'm officially stealing 'chuffed as monkeys' that's an ace saying!

ViviPru · 03/07/2014 22:01

I love love love the back-to-back polar opposite spins from IamRecharging and ADish. Nodding heartily through both posts. I'm so impressionable Sad

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/07/2014 22:47

I love impressionable people, ViviPru! Smile

And I totally get what IamRecharging is saying. That sounds like brilliant fun, and would be a great option ... IF that was what was on offer here and was going to be properly organised and set up by the bride and groom and their families.

But somehow I do not get the feeling that any of this ... the comfort of guests, or dressing rooms and other facilities for tent dwellers, or dormitory sleeping arrangements and supervision for guests' children at night time, or the entertainment and safety of unattended children during the time of the reception, or even food for children during the time their parents are at the reception, far less breakfast ... is uppermost in any of their minds.

I could be wrong though. It could be like a very well organised, safe festival, with a meal and wedding reception in the middle. In which case, I'd like to go too, please. Grin

Hellojello · 04/07/2014 00:33

It's so mean spirited to ask for 20 quid per person even if it is for charity. We pay 25 per tent (not person) for a secluded top notch Eco campsite with full facilities. Many of the wedding guests would have travelled far ages and spent a lot on a gift or outfits etc.

Hellojello · 04/07/2014 00:36

A few tents is hardly going to churn up all the grass.

Timeisawastin · 04/07/2014 00:46

Send the happy couple-to-be an unsigned postcard informing them how ridiculous their £20 per head charge is!

Topaz25 · 04/07/2014 03:52

It doesn't sound like just a few tents because it doesn't sound like a small wedding.

expatinscotland · 04/07/2014 04:09

Why go? He's going to go off anyway, why not send him packing with the tent? Does rah = thick?

UsedtobeFeckless · 04/07/2014 09:31

Rah = posh.

As in sort of Sloan Rangery posh ... I went to college up the King's Road and we used to call the locals Hoorays and Rahs ...