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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

202 replies

Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:05

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:14

Don't know if I explained that very well x

OP posts:
RRRJ83 · 15/06/2014 22:18

Your parents took responsibility for you, why not return their hard work and take care of them. They're ill, do the decent thing by them.

You sound jealous and sulky.

Did you want your sister to give up her life abroad and move over to you so you don't have to be responsible. Sounds selfish to me.

ExitPursuedByABear · 15/06/2014 22:20

And what solution are you proposing?

I am the main carer for my Dad. My brother lives in South Africa.

bitsnbobs14 · 15/06/2014 22:22

Lovely. If you're that reluctant to be there for your parents, why not move abroad yourself.
And why, exactly, can your parents not be responsible for themselves, you know, being all grown up n stuff?

Mintyy · 15/06/2014 22:24

Yanbu. That is really tough. At the very least your sister should be fully in the picture (ie. your ddad should not tell you to keep secrets) so that she can emotionally support you. You absolutely should not always be the first port of call for all their worries. Yanbu in the slightest.

UseHerName · 15/06/2014 22:24

I understand op

Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:25

I have brought up 3 kids alone and gone to night classes to create my career.

My sister has always been so disdainful, patronising and nasty to me.

My dad lets me in on these "secrets" and asks me not to tell my sister and I do from a view that she has a right to know but she offers me no support emotionally.

That's my beef. Not my mum and dad. I am alone in this and that doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
Jakadaal · 15/06/2014 22:27

I don't think you ABU to feel resentful at having to bear the responsibility solely. Even if your sister is in another country she could still take on some caring duties eg supportive phone calls for both your parents and you, keeping up email contact so that you don't always feel on duty.

I am in a similar situation with 2 DSis one of whom completely distances herself and leaves all responsibility up to myself and my other DSis.

Am sure you truly love your parents but sometimes it's just overwhelming along with managing your own family responsibilies x

BrianTheMole · 15/06/2014 22:29

Its ok to feel like that op.

DeepThought · 15/06/2014 22:29

Yes do keep sister in the loop

you have my sympathy, I am the nearest offspring and feel the responsibility very much; siblings pay lipservice but by dint of distance/proximity I get the day to day grind/worry

#gloomy

Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:30

Oh god yes I love my parents totally. I thought that would be presumed!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/06/2014 22:30

You don't sound jealous and sulky

You sound burdened and irritated that you have been landed with a responsibility which woud be lessened if it were shared.

I don't think there is much you can do. Caring burdens are borne by those unable to turn their back - the nicest do the most.

But vent on here. It's a big commitment and responsibility.

bitsnbobs14 · 15/06/2014 22:30

Alone? What would you want from your sister? Try putting yourself in your parents shoes. I agree it's difficult that your dad doesn't want your sister to be informed, but then I'd suggest talking to him and tell him how you feel.

bitsnbobs14 · 15/06/2014 22:32

I don't get it, responsibility? Responsibility for what?

therealeasterbunny · 15/06/2014 22:34

YANBU, at all, and I am shocked at how harsh people are being towards you. It is really tough, really fucking tough. My Mum has 4 siblings who all basically ignore my grandads existence, and my Mum does everything.

Yes, parents care for children when they are young, but having children is a choice, and is NOT the same as looking after an elderly parent. It's just not! Besides, why do some siblings get off scott free when another sibling gets all of the responsibility?

Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:35

I want my dad to email us both.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:36

Yes. I love my mum and dad massively but I can see I am going to be the one who will organise their lives if they become unable and that pisses me off.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/06/2014 22:37

You don't get it bitsnbobs. Have you had an elderly parent die/become seriously ill?

Responsibility for

Helping with hospital appts
Explaining proposed treatments
Lifts
Shopping
Emotional support for healthy yet elderly parent
Financial advice.
Help re food
Then - help re funeral, insurance, housing, money, shopping, transport...

Give me five minutes. There lots more

bitsnbobs14 · 15/06/2014 22:38

Responsibility for what, exactly?
I don't mean to be pedantic, but I'm failing to see what responsibility you have, op.
Tell your Dad, op, tell him you need your sister to be as aware of what's going on as you, it's unfair for him to ask you to keep secrets from her, they're her parents too.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 15/06/2014 22:38

Do you just mean the burden of knowledge.. as in you know more than your sis about your parents situation? Even though you are telling her, just slightly delayed?
You aren't doing day to day care/arranging it (unless you are any haven't said?

I think I am missing something Confused

Original poster
Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:38

I was abused emotionally and physically by both my parents growing up which led me to my own addictions.

My sister was not abused but moved abroad.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 15/06/2014 22:39

Some people on this thread are bing sanctemonious wankers.
It's bloody hard. Tiring and emotionally exhausting.
Helping your parents is done with love but you are their child and it's heartbreaking and tiring.

bitsnbobs14 · 15/06/2014 22:39

Right, I get it. So you're worried about having to have responsibility for them in the future, yes?

RufusTheReindeer · 15/06/2014 22:40

YANBU

It's a big responsibility to take on by yourself and it is in no way selfish to feel a bit of resentment about that

3littlefrogs · 15/06/2014 22:41

It is easy to see the posters who know what caring for elderly parents involves and those who don't.

Op I am sorry you are faced with this without the support of your sister. It is daunting.