To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[ikeaismylocal]

I live in a country where care homes are heavily subsidised, it is very normal for everyone to receive state funded care when they are elderly regardless of how much money they have.

[Hedgehogsrule]

For how much longer though, Ikea? Living in the UK we've seen how much things can deteriorate over a few short years. Just one government can have a huge effect on people's lives.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

(deep yes indeed )

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

ikea - I thought Scandinavian countries were moving to towards the UK model....

and its a very long time before you are old. much will change.

[Fortheloveofralph]

Tell dad upfront via email that its only right you both know the same information and that sis would be really hurt if you were keeping things from her.

[Pagwatch]

Well that changes things a bit doesn't it ikeaismylocal ?

The pressure and stress piled upon lots of us in the UK derives exactly from the knowledge that state care is hard to get and often shit.

Not really a terrible choice to opt of of caring for a parent if you know that the state steps in fulsomely. Slightly more of a shite choice if your parents are possibly going to be left screwed.

My dad needed oxygen towards the end. He had canisters delivered which were in the sitting room. My mum - aged 70 and 4ft 11in - was supposed to either bring the canisters upstairs of help my dad downstairs if he needed oxygen in the night.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

my dad was only in his 60s and prior to his condition very fit. he didn't want an endless stream of strangers giving him bed baths/wiping his bum.

he wanted some dignity and entertainment.

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Huge sympathy OP. I have been through a very very bad time with my Mother and my Brother, who lived overseas. I was accused of trying to use my Mother's money for financial gain but luckily SS could see what what gong on.

We have managed somehow to move forward. My Mother didn't help the situation as she would say one thing to me and one to him. He is back now and has been pulling his weight finally and is sole POA for Health. He came down last week and moved her care home and is coming again this week to sort things as I have loads going on and didn't feel up to it. Whilst he was overseas he managed to organise her release from a CH and a live in Carer so it is possible to do a fair bit from overseas eg. Ring GP to arrange medicines to be dispensed in a dossett box, get pharmacy to deliver , order food online, speak to care agencies etc.

I think you have to be firm about this don't tell your sister thing and make sure she is in the loop at all times. Also ask her to organise things when they occur, don't just do it yourself - start this now and keep don't it. See if you can get your parents to talk about what their plans are for care in the future - not an easy conversation but if it is possible to get it so everyone knows the score it's much easier.

It seems really common for siblings to fall out when parents become ill. I'm watching it at a distance next door after my lovely neighbour has had a stroke last week. Both children have turned up but they are bitching about each other, you can cut the tension with a knife and I think one of them is going to blow any minute.

[ikeaismylocal]

My parents are in the UK so their care isn't the same as the care here, my opinion of British care homes is that they seem lovely but my relatives have been in private care homes so possibly there is a big difference. Sweden values equality and looking after society's most vulnerable members very highly, it is ofcourse possible that things will change in my lifetime but bassed on the current situation I'd want to be looked after by carers. Currently Sweden spends a larger percentage of their budget than any other country on care for the elderly so even if there are cuts, and I haven't heard about any plans for cuts, it's likely to still be quite ok. Maybe my mum could come and live here! I'll suggest it to her.

I would find it more dignified to have different care workers helping me go to the toilet than to have my sons do it.

[Pagwatch]

Well that is an idea ikeaismylocal - but you take my point.

Often a care home is not even an option/available. As it wasn't for my father. They only finally admitted him to a hospice a few days before he died.
So pontificating about lovely care homes is not really reflective of the OPs situation and does make the 'well then just don't do it' type comments far less easy to actually act upon than to type.

To not get involved when a lovely care home are doing the caring is a choice. To not get involved when you know one parent is very ill and the other one is not coping and alone is a different set of choices.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

ikea - thanks for the information on Sweden but it does not really help anyone in the UK.

the type of help I has to give my parents was leave work to pick up my father up off the floor because he could not control either his arms or legs so could not get off the floor himself.

it took time for him to get used to not being able to walk. you don't just accept these things overnight because you are chasing a moving target of decline.

you talking about lovely care homes in Sweden is just meaningless and irrelevant. other people have experience - you just have opinions.

[LemonSquares]

That was me, I didn't mean that the closer children and grandchildren would be favoured but I would expect geographically closer children get more help in the form of babysitting/lifts/general everyday help just because it is a possibility whereas it isn't a possibility for overseas children/grandchildren.





Maybe my GP were just odd. When they went abroad and when their other DGC and DC came over they would babysit for them - they pitched in during their long stays and helped out. They babysat for my parents once and never helped them. Huge amount of money flowed abroad as well but not to my parents even when reducancy hit our family.

Other GP - both DC similar distance - one they baby sat for and took the DC to things - my parents and us never.

My siblings get more lifts, small amount of pocket change and babysitting because they are close. We are only slightly further away - and we are on our own. We will be moving further away soon. It still looking like it will be us that responsibility will fall two because my siblings just don't seem bothered and become increasingly selfish.

Geographical distance is one factor affecting everyday help family dynamics can be another one.

[ikeaismylocal]

I very wrongly thoguht that state care for the elderly in the UK was like state education and the NHS (compared to private education and healthcare) you might get a grotty room and tasteless food but the actual basic care would be the same.

It is very sad that I was wrong, I'm sorry my comments are irrelavent in that case.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

people have to care for their parents who aren't old. DP's mother was only just 50 when she died.

she went to the doctor feeling a little unwell and within a few days had a terminal diagnosis. her youngest child was a young teenager.

there is loads more to dying than going to an old peoples home. life is not a plan.

[defineme]

pagwatch I appreciate things have moved on, but my post about who should look after them was to Didl and not the op. I really feel for the op and don't think siblings should be left out of caring arrangements.
I'll be looking after my ds for the rest of his life and I'm happier about that than any possible alternative, but no I don't leap out of bed every morning either!

[teacherwith2kids]

I have always, from a young teenager who saw my DM become the main carer fior both sets of grandoparents, known that I will be the primary carer for my parents.

I have brothers. They will be supportive, but not do the work.

To me, that is how it will be. Not that it is 'fair', but it is how it will be. It's like the 'who will be the SAHP' debate: the pattern is set by all sorts of things, but at the end of the day at some point the die becomes cast that it is mum rather than dad who does it.

[Pagwatch]

Ok defineme - I'm not going to scroll back but I'm sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick..
Yep - I couldn't leap out of bed anymore anyway. I kind of fall out with an odd 'oooof ' noise

[teacherwith2kids]

(I don't mean that the die is always cast that way. Just that in our case it was me who was SAHM, not DH who was SAHD. That was the way it turned out for us, for lots of reasons. Equally I will be primary carer for my parents - that is the way it will work out for us.)

[3littlefrogs]

PrincessBabyCat

Your naivety is touching.
You are in for one hell of a shock if you really think the state is going to assist and care for your parents without you spending every waking moment for years fighting, arguing, begging and pleading, filling in endless forms, trailing round care homes, juggling work and other responsibilities whilst caring for your parents at the same time.

When you are on your knees and at breaking point you may get some help.
You will probably have to pay for it though.

[3littlefrogs]

PrincessBabyCat
Sorry - I addressed the wrong poster - that wasn't meant for you

[missymayhemsmum]

Yes, it sucks.
My elderly dad is in hospital 3 hrs away from me and 1 hr away from home where they are trying to get him well enough for heart surgery. My mum is back and forth daily, and resists supportive visits with 'I've got enough to do looking after yr dad' but is clearly feeling the strain. I work 5 days a week and lots of weekends, my brother lives abroad and can't afford the flights or time. We both have young families, I'm a lone parent.

I'm juggling trying to support my parents and spend time with dad with my job and child but I really really wouldn't trade places with my bro who just gets to feel helpless and too far away.

[MillieH30]

YANBU. You are caught in a difficult situation and I can see why you resent the fact that your sister is actively being shielded and you are left to deal with your parents' declining health alone.

I know you don't get on well, but is it worth making your sister aware of the problem. Might she want to know exactly what's going on and therefore ask your father to share more information. It can't be easy for her either being so far away.

I hope you get things resolved.

[loveandsmiles]

YANBU.

I had a perfectly horrible childhood and wouldn't even consider looking after my mum ~ what goes around comes around. You do what is best for you and your DC. Thinking of you

[gordyslovesheep]

YANBU - I never forget the moment, when my mum was admitted to A+E with a suspected heart attack and they asked my if I was next of kin ...I actually DID a 360 degree spin round, realised there were no actual grown ups but me and felt sick

I don't think you grow up when you have children, I think it happens as your parents get old :(

Hugs op

[paxtecum]

I spent six months leaving work half an hour early, driving 20 miles to parents' house, pick up DM, drive 10 miles back to the hospital, visit DF, drive DM home again and then 20 miles back home, arriving home after 9pm. I did that six days per week. Luckily my own DCs had left home and I could afford the petrol.

My DM died suddenly, which is by far the best way to go.

I'm hoping euthanasia is legalised in the near future (for me).
I do resent a sibling who lives abroad who only managed to phone the parents about three times a year.

OP you have loads of sympathy from me.