To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[MargotLovedTom]

As for the arseholes basically saying "Well I have to do it so what's your problem?"...unbelievable!

[diddl]

My sibling & I are also both abroad & my older sibling absolutely considers parents her responsibility.

Me, not so much.

That's not to say I won't help if I can, of course.

Is it an older sister thing or a personality thing?

I could absolutely see my sister running herself into the ground over it tbh.

But also wanting the sympathy & shoulder pats as well.

[thecageisfull]

It's not an older sister thing (younger sister here)

[Pagwatch]

I'm sorry about your dad Maryz - it's such a worry isn't it. Glad things are looking more positive .

I agree about it not being an especially supportive site anymore.
This thread is filled with posters who lack empathy or imagination or both .

And the 'you don't have to do it so stop moaning' shit is just as nasty as anything else . To pretend that a parent child relationship which has a whiole lifetime of habit and loyalty and dependence and all sort of variations of love can be dealt with by going 'I'm not doing it' is one of the most ridiculously facile things I have read on here.

I'm trying to help my son I understand that human beings are capable of feeling more than one strong emotion at the same time. Perhaps I should put it in written form for some of the posters on this thread.

[ikeaismylocal]

But the op's sister has decided that she doesn't want anything to do with helping the aging parents, the op doesn't have to make the same decision but she does have to respect her sister's decision.

As for people being unsupportive weathergames can give as good as she gets, there was a recent thread where many people thought she was being unsupportive to a vulnerable poster who was in a very difficult situation.

[3littlefrogs]

Ludways - you haven't got to the hard part yet.
I have been caring for elderly relatives for the best part of 20 years.
Once they start to get frail and ill it only gets worse.
The pressure is relentless and there is very little support for carers.
Most of us have jobs, bills to pay, children to look after, teenagers to manage and support.
Until you have done it there is no way anyone can convey what is involved.
It is a bit like trying to explain having a baby to someone who has never had one.
Most people in their 70s are reasonably well, but likely to live into their 90s with all kinds of health problems including dementia.

[HayDayQueen]

Weather - it's shit, it really is.

Normally I would say that your Sister has to lift her game and join in.

I live on the other side of the world to my family, and my DSis and my DBro do the caring. I have, though, flown over and stayed for a month at a time, even with young DC, and helped out. In fact I managed to do ' more' in some ways, than they could because I had a month of solid time to organise things (food deliveries, carers to come and help shower, equipment to be installed, different chairs to be brought in for them, car ferrying, interpreter services, cleaners, etc).

It is amazing the power of saying 'I am here for a month, I live on the other side of the world, my parents don't speak English, can we sort this out NOW while I am here'. (I simply didn't tell them there were others who did live there, didn't lie, just didn't share that with them!!!)

But by God it was hard, I spent every morning on the phone ringing agencies and badgering them about what sort of assistance they could offer, if they couldn't offer something, who could, did they have a contact that I could talk to, etc, etc.

My DSis and DBro had been chasing their tails ferrying my DParents from one appointment to another, taking time off, losing pay, that they just couldn't get ahead and the strain was showing.

Having that break for a month, me driving them to appointments etc was a fabulous respite (and my DSis and I are very close so just having the chance to natter constant was brilliant too). And getting ahead meant that some of the 'respite' was ongoing. DSis no longer had to run and do all the shopping for my DParents, as someone else does that now.

So I REALLY don't believe that living away gives an 'absent' child the ability to say 'sorry, there isn't anything I can do'.

They can organise internet shopping - she can ring and ask your DDad what they need ordering, talking it through, working out a basic shop, she can fly over every few months and the two of you sort out the next steps, etc. There is LOTS she could do and its shit that she doesn't.

BUT...... you're not in the standard situation. You've grown up in an abusive background, and even though your DSis wasn't 'abused', she probably did suffer. I'm guessing she was the golden child and she has her own burden to bear.

Its not fair that you have to carry the burden and responsibility of caring for such shit parents. You need to focus on yourself. If your Dad tries to tell you something and instructs you not to tell your DSister just say 'no dad, I will not be keeping this to myself. You need to tell us both'.

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

Hi Op. I haven't actually read the full thread so apologies if I'm repeating anything.
I completely understand what you're saying. I'm the youngest of three. I work full time and am also caring for both parents.
My sisters maybe call once a week. One comes to visit, but will just eat dinner that I've cooked and then leave.
It's hard work. I know. And I feel resentful towards my sisters, and sometimes also towards my parents. But I try to think of the fact that they brought me up, and I wouldn't want them to not be cared for properly.

Maybe talking to an organisation would help you? My LA have a carers association, but there's also Macmillan, or Alzheimer's society- just for examples.

I hope I've made some sense (I have definitely got Monday morning fever). Please feel free to PM me if you want to.

[rinabean]

You don't have to be responsible for them. I don't think your problem is really your sister, on its own that would be annoying but the real problem is that they never cared for you as a child but you feel you need to care for them as they age. You don't. Only lift a finger for them if you're sure it would hurt your conscience in the future not to have done. Don't do it for them because they don't deserve it after what they've done for you. You do not have a duty to care for them. To repay the "care" they gave you - well I don't think they'd like that, and I doubt you'd get much out of doing it either, you sound like a nice person. They've made their bed - let them lie in it.

[Latara]

YANBU. My Mum has the same problem where my Nan is concerned - her brother lives in this country but rarely comes to visit (by rarely I mean once every 4 years!). No problems between Nan and Uncle, it's just that my Uncle is lazy where family is concerned and so is my cousin.

He used to be the 'Golden Boy' IYSWIM but I think my Nan is realising that he's just not around for her... he just phones weekly and that's it.

The biggest problem is that Nan won't accept help where it's needed and that's so frustrating for my Mum and me!

Hopefully your parents are more sensible than my Nan and will accept any help they need and see healthcare professionals when necessary!

[shakethetree]

I feel really sorry for your parents actually & I don't even know them. If my daughter ever posted on an Internet forum about how 'pissed off' she was at the thought of caring for me I'd cry.
I'm not underestimating how difficult it is caring for an elderly parent when you have other commitments, but jeez, show at least some respect.

[nyzz]

YANBU it does suck and I speak as the one who moved away while my mum was going downhill and left my sister to it, There are 5 of us in total but it was the eldest who looked after mum till the end. Yes, we were all selfish and got on with our lives and it's amazing that our sister doesn't resent the sacrifices she made for all of us.

[HayDayQueen]

Shakethethree - if you didn't emotionally and physically abuse your daughter while she was growing up, the way the OP's parents did her, then I'm sure you won't have much to worry about.

[LineRunner]

Actually I'd hope my DD, if she ever needs to look after me in any way, would get a good deal of support from her sibling; and vice versa.

And that they would be able to post on MN for support without being pissed on by twat piss.

[shakethetree]

Ok, I didn't know that, I only read the first post.

[TheLastQuestion]

YANBU. Not at all.

[HayDayQueen]

Why would you only read the first post and wade in with that sort of a comment?????!!!!!

[shakethetree]

It's not my fault! the op should have included all significant information in her opening post, I haven't got time to wade through 100's of comments.

[DeepThought]

Well not reading a thread before wading in, 100s of posts or not, can make one look like a tit.

Jus'sayin'.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Oh grow up.

You fucked up and said something rude to a woman who's been abused because you were too keen to get your nasty comment in.

The phase you're looking for is 'I'm sorry, OP, I feel bad'.

[HayDayQueen]

Erm, yes it is your fault. It's not that hard... you just make sure the OP's posts are highlighted in a different colour (preset option is green) and then you just scan for them.

ESPECIALLY if you're going to wade in with a YABU and how distraught you would be if it was your daughter, yada, yada, yada.

[whattheseithakasmean]

YANBU, I will be in a similar situation with my mum. The awful thing is, she is married to an abusive twat, so I have to deal with that as well. And I cannot, really cannot, just decide not to do it, as someone has suggested. She is my mum, I love her and even if she exposed me to a vile step parent, she did give me the gift of life - I cannot walk away.

My sister is able to take the more selfish line suggested by some on this thread. Bully for her, but I am not her. I live in the same village and it is impossible to just steel my heart against my mum.

[Pagwatch]

Shakethetree

Perhaps in future make sure you are not fricking rude unless you unless you are sure it is with some cause.

[cantbelievemyeyes]

Plenty of people feel like this about caring for elderly relatives who haven't been abused. It doesn't make them bad people, or disrespectful. Indeed I've seen children tell their parents directly just how much they don't want to care for them, and ensure their parents understand just how much of a burden they consider them. You might make a case for calling that disrespectful, but posting anonymously on an internet forum for support, or to let off steam in a 'safe' way doesn't seem at all disrespectful to me.

I'm sure many of our own parents and grandparents have felt exactly the same about their own parents too, whether we're aware of it or not.

[cantbelievemyeyes]

...that was in response to shakethetree