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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

202 replies

Weathergames · 15/06/2014 22:05

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 16/06/2014 13:00

If you haven't got time shakethetree, then don't post at all.

shakethetree · 16/06/2014 13:02

I fucked up.

Op, I'm sorry.

DeepThought · 16/06/2014 13:03

Shake that was very gracious, much appreciated, thank you.

LineRunner · 16/06/2014 13:05

shakethetree, good response.

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 13:07

Thank you for having the guts to come back and apologise Shakethetree

thecageisfull · 16/06/2014 13:07

If one of my kids is pissed off at the burden she has to bear and I am being a twat and pulling the same 'don't tell your sister' crap that my parents pulled on me then I hope they would get some support from somewhere, even if it is just an anonymous internet forum.

thecageisfull · 16/06/2014 13:09

x posts with shakethetree's apology but I wasn't abused and I found it really hard to have all that information and have nobody to share it with. It's hard. I was a teenager so I didn't feel I could share with my pals either.

Hedgehogsrule · 16/06/2014 13:10

YANBU. I think you should tell your father that you need to share information with your sister. Your parents don't have the right to forbid you to talk to your sister about family problems. And as your parents need more help, try to get a sensible agreement in place with your sister so that she takes on as much of the load as is reasonable. If she is so rich, perhaps hiring a day nurse to allow your parents to continue in their home as long as possible would be feasible. You shouldn't feel pressurised into taking on everything, just because she is abroad and the parents are reluctant to involve her.

Toooldtobearsed · 16/06/2014 13:13

I am almost frightened to put my head above the parapet here, but here gores...... I am probably that sister.

I have my mum, step dad, step sister.

I lived away from the area for 25years,was always treat like a princess whenever we visited, and never really knew what was going on in their lives, apart from the superficial. SS is 10 years younger, lives close by and has always been there for them.
10 years ago we moved back into the area and see them more regularly.
My parents are not in good health and I have desperately wanted to be involved with them and help them where I can. The problem is, they are a tightly knit family unit that I am just not a part of. If I ask how things are, the answer is 'fine'. An hour later SS tells me DM is going into hospital, she (SS) cannot get time off work, so I will have to help out 'this time'. There are so many things happening in their lives that I know nothing of.
This pisses me off so much. I WANT to help, I WANT to lighten the load, I would do anything asked, and do, at a moments notice. But, I am NOT part of the 'family' and that hurts.

So, really, I guess I am just trying to defend the sister a little bit. When you are constantly left out of family stuff, it is hard to respond sometimes.

I have asked SS to keep me up to speed, it has not worked for us, but is it worth you sending an email to parents and sister regularly - once a week or so - with bits and pieces of news and asking parents stuff like 'what time is docs appointment on Tuesday?' and sister 'what are you up to at the weekend?' - replying to all might help everyone feel involved in what is happening.

Good luck - I hope you find the support you need Smile

thecageisfull · 16/06/2014 13:23

I remember when my Dad was dying my Dsis said something about an event that was about 18 months away and I got really confused before I had a lightbulb moment. It hadn't occurred to her that he wouldn't be around for it and it hadn't occurred to me that he would. The last month of his life when he was in hospital must have been baffling for her. I understand why they did it. Most of the illness covered her final year at uni and the first year of her first job. They wouldn't have wanted her to fuck up her degree or make a decision on a job based on being around for him. She didn't drive, she had no money, there was nothing she could have done but it was shit for all of us.

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 13:27

Tooold - that's so sad. I'm really sorry that is happening.

They need toknow that unless they keep you in the loop they can't expect you to be able to help all the time.

Perhaps ring up and ask for the next month's appointments so that you can put them on the calendar, and can work out which one of you will take them?

Try to be specific - 'when is X specialist's appointment?', 'When are they seeing someone about 'Y'? When does the appointment come through for 'Z'?

I find with my DM that unless I ask really focussed questions I get a 'fine' response. But when I start asking detailed questions I get a more honest answer.

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/06/2014 13:30

It is difficult though. People offering help is not the same as someone just doing something without being asked. But to know what needs doing you have to be in the loop.

ajandjjmum · 16/06/2014 13:33

I really understand the 'never being off duty' when DP live closeby - no real solution, and I think unless you've been there, it's very hard to understand.

Icimoi · 16/06/2014 13:39

Another one who sympathises here. I'm largely responsible for my mother because I live around 3 miles away. She had a mild stroke three years ago and that has had quite major effects on her health, mobility and independence. I don't have a problem with being the one who is responsible, obviously it makes sense.

However, DB lives less than 2 hours away and visits around every 6 weeks - I understand that it's not so easy for him as for me, but I do wonder why he thinks it's OK that I'm visiting at least twice a week plus being the one who gets to ferry her to doctors' appointments, sort carers, pay bills etc. DS lives in Australia and writes the occasional letter and has phoned maybe three times in all since she had the stroke; whilst she was duly concerned when DM was ill and phoned to ask about her, since everything settled down her one and only communication with me has been an email asking about how I was looking after DM's money Shock Must admit, I never bothered to answer that one.

Toooldtobearsed · 16/06/2014 13:41

Thanks Hayday

I do keep trying different tactics, but I am aware that to all intents and purposes I am the 'distant' daughter still. I am sorry, I really do not express myself very well Sad.
I think I was just trying to help OP appreciate that it can be difficult 'from the other side'.
Parents manage reasonably well for day to day things, and I can ask specifically, 'what are you up to next week?' told 'just doing a bit of shopping', 'going for a drive' etc., Only to find that Stepdad was actually in hospital for day surgery, DM was looked after by step sister, and when I ask why they did not tell me - they did not want to bother me with it.......

I am close to accepting that I am not a major part of their lives, SS knows I am here whenever she needs me to share the load, I continue to visit and ring. I just feel guilty!

Georgina1975 · 16/06/2014 13:41

YANBU

I watched my mum go through something similar many years ago with my grandma. Two siblings (1 in same town) but a lot of the day-to-day care and worry fell to my mum. It was really hard. The siblings seemed pretty much oblivious...but I think it is like having a baby a bit. You cannot really understand how bloody hard it is unless you do it. And it gets worse when you have to deal with multiple professional agencies...

I do not think that a parent should ask a child to keep a secret from their sibling unless there is a very, very good reason. That is unfair...it is a burden in itself.

Hedgehogsrule · 16/06/2014 13:42

Icimoi - is it possible to be blunt with your relatives, about how much you're doing and the support you'd like to have from them?

not2nitedarling · 16/06/2014 13:45

I'd give anything just to be given the chance.. dad died 4 yrs ago, days after my wedding day. Yesterday was so shit, would love to have looked after him in old age, he was 64 and just about to get married himself the following month

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 13:47

Tooold - try not to feel guilty.

You can't help people who refuse to be helped.

Contact your Step sister, tell her you have a busy few months and will need to know IN ADVANCE of any appointments otherwise you just won't be able to help.

Next time she drops a last minute one on you (that isn't an emergency, clearly they're different) then you can say 'I'm really sorry, but that is WHY I asked you 2 weeks ago for the dates for these things so that I could help as much as I could. I can't do it with such late notice I'm afraid'.

Make it REALLY clear that its the late notice.

It may not work, but it's the only chance you have.

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 13:49

not2nite - all sympathies to you, but I don't really think it's all that fair to add that type of guilt onto the op in these circumstances.

whattheseithakasmean · 16/06/2014 13:53

not2nite it is desperately sad to lose a parent suddenly. It is desperately sad & draining to care for a frail and elderly parent. I have experienced both and it is really not a competition, both are tough and both have their compensations (my dad found personal care humiliating, so his sudden death spared him that, for example).

not2nitedarling · 16/06/2014 13:53

sorry but not a good time to see this thread

HayDayQueen · 16/06/2014 13:54

No, it wouldn't be. You must be feeling desperately sad right now.

diddl · 16/06/2014 13:57

I think it's abusive tbh-to be told not to tell sister.

Why-so as not to upset her?

Because she's abroad & could do nothing so shouldn't even know?

It puts it all on OP whether she wants it or not.

InspirationFailed · 16/06/2014 13:58

I understand OP

I worry about the future. I'm the eldest of 8 but there is a very big age gap, I'm 25 years older. My mum remarried and had a second family when she was older. She is in her 50s now, in 10 years time she will have young teens (with autism) but be in her 60s. My nan is in her 70s and every day has to go and take care of my grandad who is in his 90s. When my nan needs help, which will be soon as looking after her father is exhausting, I'm not sure whether my mum (an only child) will be able to cope, especially as her children have extra needs and she works full time, and she's not getting any younger. Then there's me, I have 4 children of my own, if anything happens to my mum I will have another 3. It's a scary thought.

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