To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

not2nitedarling that sounds very sad. but there is no easy way to lose a parent.

DP's mum was in lots of pain for a long time
DF became tetraplegic and wanted to be dead until he was successful

there is no easy way to die.

[violetlights]

Hey OP, I know what you mean. For years and years, My parents burdened me and one other sibling with troubling information and a "Oh don't tell any of your other (3) siblings as we don't want them to worry".

The last time they did this, I realised how unfair it was as they knew I was going through my own struggles and take on other peoples burdens with a lot of anxiety. So I told all my siblings. The responsibility was dissipated and I felt a lot better. My parents didn't actually seem to care and, although it happened quite recently, they haven't used that line again.

[PrincessBabyCat]

Yes, I'm in my 20's and FIL already wants me and DH taking care of him since he's in his 60's. We tried helping out with hospital visits and errands. But it's not easy work giving up all your free time to take care of someone (and someone DH doesn't like). We eventually just told him we couldn't, and he'd have to find an assisted living or nursing home to stay in. We've all gotten along much better since. Now he wants to live on his own again, but we'll take that as it goes.

Your parents don't need you to take care of them. They should have benefits and so on to pay for nursing homes where they will be surrounded by staff who can take care of them. It's not worth the stress. They are adults who can sort their own problems.

Quite bluntly, if they were good parents I don't think you'd be so resentful at the thought of taking care of them. MIL was needy before she died and we didn't mind doing hospital runs and errands for her because DH loved her and she was a sweetheart that was pleasant to be around. FIL is a PITFA and hell will freeze over before we start playing the stupid "can you run an errand" game with him ever again.

[LemonSquares]

YANBU

My parents has siblings who lived abroad or worked away a lot. In space of 8 years all my GP went downhill and that fell on my parents who still had 3 teenagers and were both working.

To the poster who said the local DC has more support - money and babysitting - well that wasn't true for my parents. They were not the favoured DC but they were the ones left to cope with all the demands and illness. It did effect their health and did impact on their jobs more so when their ill health started meaning they needed to attend medical appointments for themselves.


It's looking likley depsite not being cloest that we will end up in a similar position. It's will be another drain on time and resources and another set of interests to balance. Doesn't mean I don't love parents or that I'll turn my back on IL but I think seeing others not pitch in will cause resentment.

[defineme]

I am really shocked by posters suggesting it's a personality type or older sibling thing to care for ill parents. Excepting, as in the ops casr if you've been abused or they're deeply unpleasant people( which makes me think the op is incredible for finding it in herself to do it)-that situation aside, I think it's a moral human responsibilty isn't it? For whatever reasons it may not be possible, but if your parents were average tried their best parents then surely you have to try.

[diddl]

"I am really shocked by posters suggesting it's a personality type or older sibling thing to care for ill parents."

That was me, I think.

I don't see it as my responsibility to care for ill parents, no, whereas my older sister certainly sees it as hers.

Maybe a moot point as we are both abroad.

We shall see!

[defineme]

Who should look after them-friends, the state, siblings?
If you love and care for your family and it's possible, why wouldn't you? Would they be uncomfortable with it?
genuine questions not being sarcastic

[diddl]

Well if they need care & we are still abroad then they will have to go into a care home or pay for someone to visit I should imagine.

If I'm nearby I would do what I can.

I think it would depend on what level of care is necessary & if that would be better coming from someone other than me.

[Pagwatch]

Defineme

Well the op thinks it might be nice if her sibling were a bit more involved.

And it is entirely possible to resent being responsible whilst absolutely understanding and feeling that you should do it.

Is that not just logical ?
I genuinely don't understand why people are not understanding. The op is accepting the responsibility whilst privately resenting that it has all fallen to her.
That sounds pretty normal tbh.

[Pagwatch]

I am my sons carer and will be probably until I am too old or I die.
I adore him, he's wonderful.
If you think I leap out of bed filled with joy and my heart a- bursting because I need to oversee a 17 year old brushing his teeth then you are crazy.

[ikeaismylocal]

To the poster who said the local DC has more support -money and babysitting - well that wasn't true for my parents. They were not the favoured DC but they were the ones left to cope with all the demands and illness.

That was me, I didn't mean that the closer children and grandchildren would be favoured but I would expect geographically closer children get more help in the form of babysitting/lifts/general everyday help just because it is a possibility whereas it isn't a possibility for overseas children/grandchildren.

Maybe I am naive regarding the sort of support available, but isn't there state run nursing homes? If the elderly person owns a home they could sell it and use the money to pay for care and if no money or property or when the money runs out the state looks after them? Isn't that what we pay taxes for?

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

much of the paid for care is not great. the staff can be great or shite but never have enough time to real caring due to how they are managed.

and you get several unknown people visiting your house every day - day in day out - when you are in serious pain/dying.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

If only it were so easy. My dad would have to be dragged on bleeding knees to leave his home. His words not mine.

And hell I want my inheritance

[ikeaismylocal]

Well if you want the inheritance you should happily work for it. There is an awful lot of shit childcare providers out there but it doesn't mean grandparents should be obliged to look after the grandchildren it just means parents have to choose carefully.

[Hedgehogsrule]

The state is certainly encouraging people to look after their elderly parents - saves them a lot of money.
I think that if you get on ok it's much nicer for parents to be cared for by their children, and the children should expect to make some sacrifices to do it. It's quite natural for one child to resent being expected to do everything on their own. Why should it be something for the oldest child, or the female child, or even the nearest child? Everyone should sit down and discuss what they can do to contribute, if not in time, then in money.
I find this "I'll do anything for my DC, but shouldn't be expected to lift a finger for my parents, who are adults and can look after themselves" pretty nasty. Don't you love your parents? For an incapacitated elderly person, life is so much more difficult than for a child. And there is no hope for the future. Do you want your children to point you in the direction of the nearest care home?

[ikeaismylocal]

Yes I do, infact I know which care home I'd like to go to and I'm in my 20s. I most certainly wouldn't want my children to put their adventures/family life/careers on hold to look after me, my intention as a parent is to bring up my children so they go and have their own adventures not to spend possibly decades looking after me and dp.

I have a toddler at the moment, I change his nappy, wash him, feed him, look after him when he's ill but I don't expect him to repay the favor, having a child is a parent's decision, looking after elderly parents is not an obligation.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

have you had a seriously ill parent?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I think it is. And I want to do it.

[Weathergames]

Haha!! The inheritance!! That's terrible - and I'd have to share it .

[Pollycazalet]

Weathergames I am the 'absent' child - living five hours away while my sister is on the spot.

She does do more than me but I have found things I can do to support her - I do adminny tasks like sorting bills, changing suppliers, basically all the issues which can be handled by phone or email. My mum is hard if gearing and finds phones difficult. I also try and do something significant to help when I visit - might be painting, sorting junk out, that kind of thing.

Could you sit down with your sister and think of a similar arrangement? I also have my mum to stay a fair bit which gives my sister a break.

[ikeaismylocal]

Yes I have a seriously ill parent, he has on and off been ill my entire life. He has never done much looking after of me so I don't feel at all obliged to look after him.

If you think it is important to look after your parents andyou want to do it then great! But I wish there wasn't the resentment around siblings not feeling the same way as each other.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

well most people's parents did look after them so its a different dynamic.

ikea - what makes you think you will be able to afford the care home (or any care home)?

[Hedgehogsrule]

Yes, and good care homes are few and far between.

[DeepThought]

Hijack

YouAreMyFavourite now I have an earworm! Great song.

[Pagwatch]

And it isn't necessarily how much one wants to support the ill parent. Sometimes the hardest bit is the distress, pressure and anxiety placed upon the other parent.

When my dad was dying there was not much I could do for him but my mum needed huge amounts of both practical and emotional support.