To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[Tweasels]

OP, I've been there and it is really fucking hard. I've spoke to friends who went through a similar thing and everyone felt the same.

Those who were lone children felt pissed off that they didn't have siblings to share the load. One friend is one of 5 and they are all fighting over who is/isn't pulling their weight.

You need to make sure you ask for help when you need it.

Thinking of you too Maryz

[bitsnbobs14]

OK, I'm going to explain this one last time.
I've admitted that I did not correctly read the last line of the op, this lead me to believe op was talking about having to be there for her parents in the form of email/listening ear and was pissed off about this, i thought that was pretty shitty. I asked several times about the responsibility op was referring to, but didn't get a reply, fair enough.
If this makes me awful, fair enough: I'll back out now.
Op, hope you get whatever support you feel you need.

[GreeboOgg]

Compos I usually nod along to your posts in agreement but in this case, who do you think will organise the carers, the finances, provide back up when the carers are not available or create room in their home when the care is unaffordable? You can't really say to your elderly parents "sorry, but you're 100 miles away and I've got stuff going on, so not my problem, ask the magical carer".

Most people I know who work as carers are employed to nip in for 30 mins, check the client is comfortable, and stick a ready meal in the oven. They will also sit with a client and wait for coroners or whoever is responsible in the event the client is dead when they arrive. They're not on call though, and they're not doing food shops, or picking up prescriptions, or giving a lift to the library once a week- they haven't the time in the their 30min slots. That type of care is incredibly expensive I would imagine, and out of reach for the majority of us.

[oldnewmummy]

I moved abroad in 1997 and now live in Australia. My sister, who lives 10 miles away from my parents, bears the brunt of organizing care (mum very sick, dad sick sometimes). I feel as guilty as hell but appreciate all she does. I try to help emotionally and financially, and we're going back for 3.5 weeks next week. If my sister resents me, I can understand why.

[GreeboOgg]

oldnewmummy Why should she resent you? Your life and that of your family happens to have taken you to Australia. It happens! You help as much as you can, even if it's just somebody to talk to, and that's what's important. Just being a willing ear so your sister can share the stress a bit is a lot more than many are prepared to offer, and I can assure you your sister will feel a lot better knowing you're at the end of the phone.

[TheSarcasticFringehead]

It's hard. I have POA for my grandmother (Alzheimer's- mid stage- and PTSD) and we used to care for her in our home. My parents (most of the family) live abroad, I have quite a few siblings but only one is her grandson and he's in Uruguay. She is now in a nursing home but has regular appointments (she sees a SALT and physiotherapist regularly for example) and she becomes extremely distressed if DH or I aren't present, meaning we have to take a lot of time to be with her. Legal and financial matters are also very difficult and time consuming.

YANBU. I love my grandmother- she's not even my parent so there is a whole different relationship to the one you have- but it is stressful and emotionally draining, there is so much worry. Every week there's another problem with her swallowing or she's choked on something or she's accused someone of poisoning her food.

It's not cancer, like with your DM, but being the one who is loaded down with the burden of worrying, having to try and assume responsibility for them, not being able to do anything to help and only being able to try and comfort them, it's really, really hard and although it isn't my brother's fault he's abroad, or yours for that matter, but that doesn't mean it isn't still completely shit.

[Jinsei]

Of course it's hard being the one who is left with the burden of all the caring. My mum experienced this when her father was dying of cancer, and her two siblings were both living overseas. It was an unimaginably difficult time, both practically and emotionally, and I don't know, maybe she did resent the way in which everything fell on her shoulders.

I now find myself in the position of being the one to care for my own parents as they get older, as they have moved to live just down the road from me. They are still relatively self-sufficient, but if I'm honest, it's scary as I see them gradually becoming more needy. My DSis lives on the other side of the country, and has very little awareness of their day to day problems and needs. She will not have to carry the physical responsibility of looking after our parents as they get older, and she will not have to carry the emotional burden in quite the same way either.

You could say that she is lucky. However, I don't see it that way. Having lived overseas for a few years when I was younger, I can acutely recall how awful it felt to be far away f when stuff was happening at home. More recently, I've seen my DH have to deal with this - his elderly mother passed away last year, after a prolonged period of illness. It was like a kind of torture to him, not knowing how she was, not being able to see for himself, not knowing if his siblings were trying to protect him, not knowing when he should drop everything and go there, not knowing if he could get there in time, feeling guilty that he could do nothing more than send money when needed. In the end, he wasn't there when she died - he'd been there just a week earlier, and thought she had a bit more time - and he couldn't get back in time for her funeral, a regret that will stay with him all his life.

Nobody can dispute how hard it is to care for an ageing parent, but having seen it from the POV of the absent sibling, I know which position is rather be in myself.

[ComposHat]

Yes green I realise this is the case (I have had to beg and plead with my mum to step away from trying to do everything for my Nan as it was destroying her mentally and physically. She had the misfortune to be the sibling who stayed locally (the same thing happened to my dad) and they ended up taking on almost all of the burden. The needs assessment by social services was actually really good.

From my perspective some distance between my mum and my gran a selfish woman at the best of times, who got worse as she got older (for example: harangued my parents for two hours by phone until they drove 15 miles to change the TV channel for her) would have been a good thing for her and she wouldn't have been available to her.


It wouldn't have consumed her life so completely (I'll just nip over and do X) and actually didn't do my Gran any favours as she was quite happy to be dependent on her. My mum was so bogged down that she couldn't separate my Gran's unreasonable demands from what she actually needed.

In the op's case given the physical distance and children she has sole responsibility for, then she needs to be honest with herself about what she can and can't do. She is not obliged to do anything and shouldn't feel bad for not being there bedpan in hand 24/7. This is doubly so if as she hints she had an abusive childhood she owes them nothing and should concentrate her energies on giving her own children a proper childhood.

[mom2twoteens]

My sister and I both lived near to our parents. She's married (I'm a single parent) but HER job and HER children seemed to be more important than mine.

My mom died quickly, my father was ill for a while. I'm glad I was there for him. I never regret that time with him, it was special.

However my children suffered and I'm still trying to repair that damage.


OP, I'd keep your sister in the loop, as LRD said she may be able to help with carers or something practical which will take the pressure off you. Invite her over for a week or so to get a feel for the situation.


Good luck.

[goodasitgets]

YANBU. My parents cared for my gran, she had dementia and moved in with them. They did everything until the day she died
Mums brother? Fuck all, except rack up on the funeral day and took all her personal possessions

Your sister needs to know, it's not something you can deal with alone

[EddieStobbart]

I've seen situations like this strain relationships in close families. I hope you're ok OP.

Tell your dad that your sister would want to know. I think it's best to let him know in advance in case she phones him and he complains to you, not what you need right now.

Can you put together a list of what needs are likely to arise sooner rather than later and which out of these you could propose she picked up. I don't mean you should adopt the sole responsibility for planning everything ad infinitum, just to establish shared caring duties and a pattern where these are discussed between you.

[mimishimmi]

You don't have to take on the responsibility if you don't want to though. Just make that very clear to your parents so they can plan for assisted living, carers or the like.

[ikeaismylocal]

I don't think your anger and frustration should be directed at your sister, it doesn't sound like she has requested to not be told about medical things, it sounds like your father has decided she shouldn't be told.

I think that looking after elderly relatives is not an obligation, when you choose to have a baby you are obliged to look after them as becoming a parent is almost completly optional. I don't expect my dc to look after me when I'm elderly, I hope they like my company and will want to spend time with me but I don't want them to feel obliged to look after me.

One of my parents was crap, not abusive but just disinterested and inconsistent, lots if it was down to addiction and mh issues, there is no way on earth I would consider caring for him when he's old. My other parent was and is amazing but she has always from when we were very small children said we must feel no obligation to care for her ( I suspect this was said to us as our dad was likely to need care much earlier and mum wanted to instill into us that it isn't a child's job tocare for the parents.)

If you resent caring for your parents just don't do it, there is no way I would even have contact with parents who abused me never mind do kind things for them.

I live abroad and I don't know what I'd do if I am in your sister's position. I certainly wouldn't be able to up roots and move my children to the UK so I can take care of my mum.

[ikeaismylocal]

Another thing is that the sibling who stays local is likely to have had much more support in terms of babysitting, lifts, dinner invites than the sibling who moves away.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

OP I completely get where you are coming from. DP & are the responsible ones in our families.

we both lost a parent when relatively young. we are the emotional support and the practical support for the remaining ones. our siblings are always going to help...but then something happens...its not their fault.... its just that we have to pick up the load again.

its time consuming, tedious and you get taken for granted.

the only consolation is, I would rather be us than our useless, inadequate, childish, self centred siblings.

[diddl]

I think that you are right to tell your sister.

Is her situation such that she can ever come over & help if necessary?

[WooWooOwl]

You need to tell your dad that it's unfair of him to keep telling you not to tell your sister things.

That's the real problem here, not the fact that your sister has a nice life that she chose to live abroad.

[IDismyname]

Oh, I'm absolutely with you Weather - its a really shitty time.

I have a DB who isnt that far away and sends me the occasional supportive text, but I get to do all the running around and supporting. Luckily, DM is still OK, but caring for my DD is really taking it out of her, and I dread the day that she falls ill. The fragile pack of cards that we have will come tumbling down...

On a practical note, I would suggest that your DS comes over for a few weeks to look after things... and I'd suggest that it happens at least annually. Then you can back off and leave her in charge for a bit.

You have tons of sympathy from me

[Ludways]

My parents are 70&72 and I have other aging relatives in the same town as me, I will be responsible for them as my DSis lives away. That's the same town so I'll have to see them all most days, never mind being 2 hours away. It would occur to me to be arsey about it.

I honestly don't see what you have to be upset about.

[Ruththetooth]

I'm new to MN and wow, there are some really nasty people on here. YANBU to feel the way you do. It's a huge worry and responsibility on it's own, without having your own family and being a single parent. I hope you find the support you need. You're obviously not going to get it on here. There's nothing quite like kicking someone when they're down. Wondering what some of these people are like in RL.

[diddl]

Even if sister lived nearby though, she's not duty bound to help.

As adults we make our own decisions about what we are or are not prepared to do for parents.

[misscph1973]

Weathergames, I am so sorry for you, for being abused by your parents and now feeling that they are your responsibility. It appears that your father is putting a lot of responsibility on you by confiding in you and not your sister.

Both my sister and I live abroad and we are both getting abit concerned about our parents, although they are in good health, they are getting older.


Have you ever spoken to your sister about the abuse? Have you considered that your parents are not actually your reponsibility, unless you want them to be? I know it's not that simple, but it should be possible for you to limit your responsibility. I expect you are a typical older sister (like me) who automatically takes on responsibility?

[GertrudeBell]

bitsandbobs I think you've stumbled across the wrong website. This isn't "Mumsnet: for heartless souls who like to cross-examine people having a hard time".

[mistlethrush]

I know exactly where you're coming from but from the perspective of being a DiL with a similar situation. MiL was ill last year - ended up with her living with us for 5.5 months. BiL came for two fleeting visits - one he was in the country for some time but 'managed' to visit for a day and a half ('isn't he great that he came to visit!') and the other time he managed a day (again visiting plenty of other friends on the same trip). It got me very riled that he got all the praise for his brief visits whilst we had all the care, expense etc for months with hardly a word.