To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[lostinindia]

I understand what you're saying op. I'm in a similar position and it's scary. I feel a little out of my depth.

[BrianTheMole]

Don't stress deepthought. You're fine. Its ok to rant. Of course it is.

[TheHappyMonkey]

I know what you mean op. I have a disinterested sibling and it gets to me sometimes that all the responsibility for our parents care will fall to me, as if I were an only child. They have been good parents and it upsets me that my sibling seems to feel no sense of duty to be there for them when they've always been there for her.

[DeepThought]

Thank you guys

I need to go bed!

[bitsnbobs14]

I get that deep, but op did not describe those things or similar I'm her op, from the op, it sounded like the responsibility was being a 'listening ear', nothing more. That's why I asked, several times, for clarification.

[DeepThought]

Ah well, I kinda intuited heaps of info from OP, never mind

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Is it possible to start replying (in a light tone) 'come on, dad, of course I have to tell her if you tell me!' when he says these things? It is not really fair to require you to keep your dad's secrets when they're about something as serious as his or your mum's health.

Other than that, I think you need to bite the bullet and talk to your sister about plans. It may be it's easy for her to keep her head in the sand, whereas because you're seeing and hearing more of what's going on, your thoughts are going to what might happen in the near future. Can you ask her to discuss whether your dad's talked to her about (say), 'what would happen if mum needs nursing'? It is a really horrible thing to have to discuss, but realistically, if your dad is 80 your sister must have some idea that sooner or later someone is going to have to think about these things.

[Theas18]

Op with you 100%.

My sister lives her dream life abroad supported by a high earning dh who works in the uk for a few weeks then goes back for a few weeks to enjoy the dream life then back to work for a bit etc.

Me, I work full time, have 3 kids that need me though they aren't small any more.: live 70 miles away

It's me that takes to appointments,nags the gp, picks up and sorts medical cock ups (there have been many) hours over at 11 pm when she's been admitted but sent dad home even though he's got dementia and can't actually cope.etc etc

Sister's husband takes them shopping about once a fortnight. He is of course"golden".

Op I absolutely feel your pain.

[Theas18]

Maryz thinking of you tonight.

[DeepThought]

Maryz fingers crossed for your Papa

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Sorry to hear that, maryz. Will be thinking of you.

[Permanentlyexhausted]

Bits I think the last sentence in the OP is important here. I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents certainly suggests she was considering her future responsibility. It doesn't take a huge amount of imagination to see that once elderly/ill parents start to need more support from their children, there is only one direction this support will go until they pass away. That's scary.

[SpeedwellBlue]

YANBU. I think you should make it clear that there is no reason to keep things from your sister and also I think that as it will be you doing most of the hands on support, it is only fair that your (well off) sister contributes by paying for some extra help, such as a gardener or cleaner or carer/nurse, whatever is appropriate. This will help ease the burden on you.

[bitsnbobs14]

Yep, you have a fair point there p.e. my bad for poor reading.

[HopefulHamster]

And the whole point of the site bits is to support other parents.

Not to make them feel shit when they're going through a tough time.

Is empathy really that hard?

You can't understand how a lone parent with three children might find it tough to be the key person for their parents?

[BrianTheMole]

When the wheels start turning bitsnbobs, and your parents health start failing badly, the emotional strain of that is pretty high on so many levels. And from that point on it marks a huge point in your life, where you have to constantly be alert, ready to provide practical help, even if you are not actually providing the help in that moment in time. Its the waiting, worrying, and finally doing, that causes so much stress. And when that starts happening, you have to learn to live with it, but things will never really be the same again.

[ComposHat]

Neither of you is being unreasonable, you both have lives to lead that took you away from where you grew up.

I do not mean this in a snide way at all, but what is it that troubles you or what 'responsibility' you think you'll have? You live 100 miles away (again not a criticism you have your own life to live and your own children to look after) so in terms of day to day shopping, prescriptions and hospital trips or picking them up after they've had a fall, it is unlikely that you'll be able to do that any more of the day in, day out stuff than your sister can. If they get to the stage where they need assistance, it will be carers doing these sorts of thing.

I agree that the keeping secrets from your sister is wrong and you should refuse to be in part of it and LRD suggests a good way of handling things so that you aren't left with the emotional burden of keeping secrets.

[BrianTheMole]

I'm sorry Maryz. Hope you're ok.

[bitsnbobs14]

I'm not trying to make anyone felt shit.
Brian, seriously, you don't need to explain that to me.

[Iflyaway]

Me and my sisters all live on the continent.
We are parents ourselves too (2 SPs out of 3).

We all took turns in taking care of our aging parents - dementia and cancer - who lived in UK.

It was fucking hard trying to juggle it all.

with a meltdown here and there

[BrianTheMole]

Ok bitsnbobs. I wasn't sure. No problem then.

[BrianTheMole]

Glad he's a bit better Maryz. Fingers crossed for you all.