To feel pissed off that the responsibility for my parents lies with me?

[Weathergames]

My parents are 80 and 70.

My mum, the 70 yr old was always healthy but in the last few years has had a lot of health issues including cancer.

I am a single mum, have 3 teenagers, work full time and live 100 miles away but can be there within 2 hours.

My sister lives in Europe and realistically is a day away and we don't really get on. She has a husband and kids and they both earn shitloads.

When my mum had cancer I was privvy to a lot more info via my dad than my sister and worried a lot more as my dad seems to panic a lot, and confides in me which is fine but tells me not to tell my sister (traditionally "daddy's girl".

My mum had a had a serious health issue yesterday. My dad emailed me (he's deaf so cannot do phone calls) and asked me not to tell anyone. I left it 24 hours and then did tell my sister as I felt it was unfair for her not to know.

I am now acutely aware I will be responsible for my aging parents as she is in a different country which actually is quite shit?

[deakymom]

its understandable how you feel keep your sister in the loop though dont be responsible for keeping secrets it doesnt bode well for any relationship in the future xx

[Mumzy]

Your dad not wanting you to tell your dsis about their health problems would piss me off. Why should you shelter her from the realities of your parents troubles. I would tell your dps you can't promise to keep things are a secret: a problem shared is a problem halved in my books and you need to be able to discuss these things with siblings who know your family dynamics in order to keep a perspective on things and not feel so burdened

[CleopatrasAsp]

Ignore the fuckwittery on here from some people OP, I get you completely.

[Mintyy]

Oh fgs just stop with the back-tracking bitsandbobs. You are making yourself look silly.

[bitsnbobs14]

Erm, backtracking where?
I genuinely did not understand what responsibility op was referring to so sought clarification.
I'm still unclear if op is talking about responsibility she has now (but had not disclosed) or is talking about the future.

[cardamomginger]

YANBU. I am an only child and am acutely aware that all caring responsibilities in respect of my father (mother died years ago) will fall to me. In some ways I think this is 'easier' for me because I will never be in the situation of having a sibling who doesn't pull their weight, whether that be practically, emotionally or financially. I know what I am getting right from the off, IYSWIM. My father and I live opposite sides of London. It would take me an hour plus to get to him. I dread the day that he breaks his hip or whatever and I have to drive down every day, fitting DD and school runs round it.

DH's parents live in another country with his sister and brother and their families. His sister bears the absolute brunt of it all. We try and help where we can - helping with decisions, backing her up, fighting her corner, contributing financially.

[thecageisfull]

I had that when my dad was dying. There was a constant refrain of 'don't tell your sister'. She had moved out, I was still at school. They didn't want to worry her or make her feel like she needed to do anything which I understand but it wasn't half lonely not being allowed to talk about it. Dsis lives abroad now (in Europe, it would take her 6 hours door to door). I live less than a 3 hour drive. Dsis is not 'expected' to do anything because she lives abroad so I have to do every appointment. My Mum is in remission now but it was bloody hard work and, although I love DM and Dsis, I couldn't help thinking she's actually only a few hours further. At least I was allowed to talk to her about it this time though (and my Mum is v generous and gave me petrol money - I know everyone isn't that lucky)

[riverboat1]

Can you speak to your sister and point out that as your parents get older, you're going to both have to take on more responsibility for them? If she's in Europe and well-off, can she realistically fly over more often than previously to visit / support / take them to any pre-planned appointments etc?

I am an only child who lives abroad (Europe). I am very worried about what will happen as my parents get older, there is no-one but me who will look after them. I'll have to manage somehow as the time comes, as your sister would if she were an only child...

[BrianTheMole]

Completely agree Pagwatch. Its bloody hard work. I would never not do what I do, but, its hard. And its ok for people in that position to say that / have a rant about it.

[thejoysofboys]

YANBU - caring for a relative is emotionally draining. Yes, you do it with love, but that doesn't stop it being tough.

I don't have any words of wisdom other than to keep your sister in the loop where you can. That way, if you have to make any big decisions about their care later down the line (e.g. care home vs visiting carers, etc), then she'll be more likely to go with your preferences rather than standing in the way.

I see it now between my mum and her sister over the care of their mother. The bulk of the care falls on my mum and her sister is rarely grateful (and is usually critical!). It grinds you down.

[GreeboOgg]

YANBU! I completely get where you are coming from. It is not at all a case of being entitled/jealous or not caring about your parents after "they raised you and clothed you" and all that shite [massive eyeroll] It's simply a case that as your parent's health begins to fail, the reality of their care hits you like a brick, and it's heartbreaking and terrifying to realise that your sibling has better things to do than help you and your parents through the later years. It's not exactly as easy time for anyone involved.

I'm in a similar position OP, although my sibling is still in the country. For us it's a case that he has kids and I don't, therefore the day to day and emotional strain of our parents ailing health is all on me because "I have a family of my own to worry about". I don't really blame him, his life went one way and mine another, but it does make me sad and dealing with ill parents is hard on your own. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had to cope with looking out for them as well as a family as you do.

[Scousadelic]

DH and I have had exactly this conversation about his parents today, how much responsibility has to be taken and we are fortunate to have others to share it with

YANBU. We have already taken responsibility for one elderly aunt (now deceased) who had nobody else to look after her and it is a really major thing to do

[DeepThought]

Bitsnbobs the day to day grind, the always-having-to-consider having fuel in the car to make a late night dash across town/the mental juggling of Dr appointment for Mama, kids need a haircut/shit can friend Jane take offspring to Nets practice on Thursday because I need to collect meds from the Pharmacy and I know delivery is after 3pm on Thursdays

This is the kind of responsibility we are on about

Balanced against - sibling with Very Important Job flits over occasionally, bring out ye olde fatted calf/sibling with young dc understandably not so able to drop-and-run (but ofc being a BOY oh my goodness, we can't expect him to be bothering with such trifles such as frail needy parent, oh no no no etc)/slacker sibling, the baby, let's not bother that pretty head yadda yadda

[DenzelWashington]

How would your father react if you told him you want to tell your sister? If he adamantly refuses then you're in a difficult position. I suppose you would have to continue using your own judgment about when to tell her things.

I am so sorry you're on your own with this. The only thing that makes our family's parent situation bearable is siblings all supporting each other.

[DeepThought]

Ooops ranty, sorry!

[BrianTheMole]

Oh god Deepthought, bloody true though.

[DeepThought]

I am so sorry for the rant, I really am

Not like me, at ALL. #shamefaced

[Cuteypatootey]

YABU, it's not just your responsibility. Do you think your sister doesn't mind living away from her parents?

[Weathergames]

I feel scared.

[CheckpointCharlie]

YANBU OP. It's very hard when parents begin to decline. I have watched my mum look after her mum while working FT and driving 2.5 hours each way to look after her mum when her sibling went away and lived thousands of miles away.

[Spherical]

The double standard in the first post after the OP's in just breathtaking!

[DeepThought]

Och, ignore me with my tales of woe-is-me

[Spherical]

Oh and OP, YANBU!

[BeckAndCall]

deepthought don't worry - many here on MN feel your pain and sympathise.....

[Permanentlyexhausted]

YANBU. I agree with what Pagwatch has said. There are clearly people who have no concept of what caring for an elderly/ill parent involves. That's not their fault but they would better advised to keep off this thread.

It is the responsibility of knowing that you are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Needed for emotional and physical support from now until heaven only knows when. It's the total opposite of caring for children who will generally only get more independent (your parents will only ever need you more and more) and when you have a pretty good idea of when it will stop. That the only thing that will relieve you of your responsibility to your parents is the one thing you really really don't want to happen.

If you're having to do this on your own when the responsibility could be being shared then you have every right to feel as you do, OP. It's not so much being pissed off at having to be responsible for your parents as being pissed off that your sister doesn't.