to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

Oh Lucky, sorry you had to go through that.

My goodness he really thinks he's gods gift doesent he. Well done you, here's to a happier life, I bet some of your health problems will deminish a bit.

I left his shit on the windowsill yet he knocked loudly THREE times, despite me telling him that. I didn't want him to wake DS so ended up answering, which was the wrong choice!

My appetite has come back a bit already this evening. It is such a relief

That's great

Woo! Well done. i wish I had been like you at your age!

I knew he'd be difficult from when we broke up last year but I didn't think he'd be that cheeky with DS in the house and when I'd already made it clear I didn't want to see him if it could be helped. All done now though anyway. Just hope he doesn't come around unannounced at some point because I've blocked all possible paths of communication.

Off to bed! Very much need it. Thank you for the support. It's helped a lot

I haven't read all the posts on here but THIS is me and dp all over!!!

I live dp to bits, I have been a single parent since DS was born. DP and I got together when DS was 6months old. And we don't live together tho we hope to (he's looking for another job so circumstances don't allow), and yup, I get super envious that he can go to the pub (with his mum and dad, mind), he has lad nights out and does little of the parenting tho he has got better recently (making breakfast for ds etc). He gets to do all of the fun stuff without the slog and monotony of it all.

He's older than me and hasn't had kids of his own tho he says he would like to live with me in our own home, get married and have at least one more child.

Before ds came along I had soooo much freedom, was always out, had hobbies etc, and didn't feel half as tired with work. By Friday evening I'm so tired I've barely the energy to go out even if I've wanted to.

There is a but.... My parents will more often than not have ds overnight if I ask in advance which has given me time to do my own thing (few cheeky beers), and I voiced my thoughts to dp who was thankfully, very understanding.

So much so that the last time I wanted a girly night out I asked him to babysit :) and he did!!!! I did have to put dating bed before I went out as he's only 16 months but dp stepped up to the plate tho it did involve him watching Top Gun on Telly.

Have you anyone who can help out so you can retain some freedom if only for a short while? I understand all over that the parenting really does lie solely with the parent and it can be hard especially with work commitments and stuff but the rewards are great. And when you do get a night off you REALLY appreciate it.

Don't worry, when you do finally settle down together I expect the duties will be shared. Hang in there and good luck

Love* not live

*put ds to bed duhhhh!!! God my phone is useless

Doesnt sound equal you come as a pair right. Seems he is picking which bits he want to be involved in and still doing all the single lifestyle stuff - have a word or get rid

Don't you dare get back together. Remember why he's doing you a favour, a single lady with a child, as nobody would

Okay how about you hear about what a real Dad does for his kid(s) and then compare it with what your dp does because he needs to be just as reliable.

My 2.5 year old daughter's father will:

• Carry her until his back is breaking and then carry her some more.
• Clean up her hands and face after meals, remove the mess and wipe up what's left, pick her up and place her somewhere safe.
• Check on her at night and change her nappy if necessary
• Completely take over all care if I am ill, or arrange care if he can't.
• Keep her happy or distracted at all times and get down on the floor to her level as much as possible, completely respect her space and understand that she cries or has tantrums because she is trying to express something and doesn't take it personally.
• Watch and worry over her if she becomes ill, to the point where he will sleep on a chair in her room to make sure she doesn't feel scared if she wakes up at night coughing or wanting to be sick.
• Brush her hair, attach clips sometimes, tell her she's pretty, bathe together with her, tickle her to death, play hide and seek, pull silly faces, put sun cream on her, change her nappy no matter what's in it, defend her, take her diet seriously and involve her in everything and even take the pretend calls from her plastic mobile.

Do you see your dp doing all of that?

...and if I'd just read up a few posts after reading down about 40 posts I'd have realised you'd already kicked him to the kerb. Oh well!

Well done on ditching him. I had a boyfriend just the same when I was in my 20s, he wasn't horrible but wasn't really an adult - totally dependent on mummy and daddy.

I am older now and tbh am glad of the experience of having and ending the relationship. I think it's all part of life's experiences and knowing when to move on from something is important.

Enjoy your undragged-down-life and hope your health improves :)

Well he brought up the fact he took me on with a kid and stuck by me through health issues (that apparantly most men would have run away from, both DS and the health issues). That was just to highlight how much he loves me or something but it came across guilt trippy and like he was trying to make me feel that no other bloke would want me/us

Good grief. I read this bit and thought 'don't pat yourself on the back too hard'. What a twat - he really thought he was doing you a bloody favour?
Oh sod off. Which I'm really glad to hear you've told him!

Right after all this time since my last post I've finished the thread properly and I want to say you've done brilliantly. It's never easy to end a relationship and it's so hard to see the wood for the trees when you're inside, but you must love your child with all your heart and think about the world as he/she (sorry didn't catch the gender) sees it and become happy and single again. Unless your partner treats you like a goddess and your child like the heir to the throne then he's not worth your time. Sound a bit over the top? Not to me it doesn't.

Thank you It doesn't sound that over the top. He loved us but in a selfish way.

He sent me one text after leaving saying 'I don't know what to say other than this feels so wrong' yeah, for you maybe But have registered his number as spam (I love samsung!) so he can call/text but I'll just never know about it. That's much easier!

I did explain that DS is my main motivation as he's still very young and relying on me to keep him safe and happy, which is what I'm doing. And he needs a mum who's well and happy. But of course that went right over his head! Nevermind. Says it all really.

I'm just like his ex gf apparently.

Of course you are, because you're both exes. And both in the happy position of having kicked his sorry arse to the kerb.

Well done Lucky. more power to your elbow.

Thanks

Feeling much better for a busy day.

Still a bit paranoid he'll pop up at mine because he can't contact me but it'll pass. And if he does I won't answer.

Fantastic lucky, yes just don't open the door, call the police if he fails to leave

If he does show when DS is in bed I'll just tell him through the bloody kitchen window that I won't open the door/speak to him and if he won't leave I'll call the police.

I doubt it'll come to that at all but it'll work if he won't shift.

I think I'd spent so long agonising over the decision that I didn't notice myself rapidly falling out of love with him. I don't really feel sad. I certainly feel relieved and my stomach is so much better for not being so stressed. It's like a miracle cure! I could barely eat a thing last week because it was so painful. Such a relief

And I've lost half a stone this month (partly stress so it'll slow down soon) which has cheered me up as I got quite 'plump' when we were together and wasn't happy (though he always said he liked me that size and didn't want me to lose my bum despite having a decent bum at size 8, to size 14 and all the sizes inbetween. Plus it's my bloody bum and I'll do what I like with it )

Good on you lucky, hopefully this is tge beginning if a new improved you without that baggage!

It's the start of something

Thank you.