to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

His friend is also a man child, let me guess?

His friend is horrid tbh. His GF has Elor Dahnlos syndrome (sp?) and is in pain a lot and he's been known to bugger off in the eve and kiss other women in pubs...and she has no idea because no one will tell her (though i've been very tempted).

And he always acts like he's a hero for even being with her

So I'm not about to take relationship advice from him

But BF seems to think that was an ok comment to make because 'it's just the truth, you know'...

Can you link his GF into Reality's listen up thread?

I don't really know her that well. Just met her once or twice, but she's lovely. It's sad. She really thinks she's dead lucky to be with him. I think a mutual friend told her of one time but he weasled his way out of it.

I don't know how he though talking about something so personal to me (the health stuff) with him and then relaying his crap reaction would make me feel like we should stay together. On what planet!?? I would never go for such a low blow

"he brought up the fact he took me on with a kid and stuck by me through health issues ... I couldn't believe he actually said it."
Sadly, I can believe it - it is all too consistent with his belief that physical presence in the same room as your DS constitutes 'watching' him (when all he was watching was the screen of his phone).

He didn't 'take you on' (a horrible phrase) since he contributes no practical or emotional support. And his idea of sticking by you through health issues seems to me to consist of largely ignoring the effects of your health issues on you and expecting you to not mention it.

On the plus side, he's said nothing that could possibly redeem him in your eyes, so at least you're not thrown into the quandary of wondering if you're doing the right thing. He's absolutely confirmed that you ARE doing the right thing.

That is very true. Thank you

I'm still a bit ill atm (functioning fine but have IBS/possible IBD/basically not very pleasent and I'm living off Complan atm) and he got annoyed I didn't want to come to a family BBQ earlier in the week. It would have meant trying to chase DS around someone else's house when I feel quite faint at times and smelling all the food/watching them eat when I'm starving. Sounds silly but I just thought it was pretty obvious why I might not fancy it?

I initially got quite upset about the health/DS comment as I know some men would avoid me like the plague but not all of them. Mostly just the 20 something man-child types anyway! Which is fine by me...

I think he's forgetting most of my single-parent friends have had more than 1 BF/person interested since having their DC(s) so I know it's not a massive deterrent for everyone. It says more about him than it does about me I think.

I do love MN. I really needed to vent a little about it and feel more sure of how crap that was!

Totally agree with what WhereYouLeftIt said. The fact that he thinks he's marvellous just for being with you when you have a health condition makes me both angry and sad for you. You are worth so much more than him!

He obviously presented it like it wsa just proof of how much he loves me So I shouldn't take it to heart.

I think he forgets that I might be stuck at home with DS til next year but I'm not thick

*was

Oops. And it was very revealing. He thinks he's done me a favour basically. I did say 'well I don't need your charity thanks'

he sounds lazy and entitled. i personally wouldn't be that enthralled with someone who spent most of his time on his mum's sofa at age 29

BUT

you like him, no?

so, i think you need to maybe also slow down and be realistic. you've been with this guy for just over a year, it's really early days. why all the rush to move in with him/get married/have more babies etc? given how young you are, i think finding another man to support you/be a step-dad to your DS is a bit of a big ask (let alone exposing your DS to another father figure - it seems v soon to do this).

why not just take a step back? assuming you really like him. see him when you see him. tell him you're not ready to move in/play happy families. knock any talk of him being a step-dad on the head. tell him he needs to move OUT by himself for a year before you'll even consider moving in together. he may mature in the next couple of years, he may not...but you will have tried, without upending your own life to do so.

God what an utter twat. Well there's your proof that he doesn't really care about you or building a longterm future together. Stupid boy (and I say boy because that's how he's behaving).

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of your life. I think it's going to be a lot better. Incidentally, both me and another friend found our IBS improved enormously when our crappy relationships ended. Obviously that may not be the same for your health issues but I really hope so :)

finding another man to support you/be a step-dad to your DS is a bit of a big ask - I don't want him to support us. Hence the university degree. And I'm fairly certain I don't want anymore children. I'm in no rush, but he is miles behind and nothing has changed in a year...

Thanks

I know the stress of this is making my stomach issues ten times worse.

Angel - it's also mostly him that's gone on about being a step-dad type figure to DS. That's what's pissing me off partly. He isn't. We don't live together and he's not fully grown up himself yet.

"He thinks he's done me a favour basically."
Is he his parents' 'little prince', by any chance? Still living with them, not learning to drive because his dad will give him a lift? Squandering all his money on crap because he doesn't have to make a reasonable household contribution? Believing in the housework fairies because he's never been expected to do that either?

It's just that his behaviour screams 'I am the centre of the universe, be grateful I deign to notice you at all, but I will only do so at my convenience', and I always associate that with crap overindulgent parenting.

He'll make someone a lovely exotic pet to anyone who has no expectations of a partner, but he is just so, so, not for you (a sensible woman with her head screwed on).

That's summed it up pretty well Where

His mum is lovely but treats all her children like teenagers (despite them all being 27 or older). And she does everything around the house. Literally everything.

She was also a single parent when she met BFs dad and BF has commented before that she had kids with him despite not being set on any more so he could experience being a dad etc (when he's trying to tell me why we should have a kid together eventually when I say I'm not sure I actually want any).

Lucky you have had a narrow escape! The sooner you tell him it's over the better, stop faffing about. That could have been done when you saw him last! His mums done him no favours, and has made it difficult god them later on to live in the real world!

He wants a million answers though.

But I just can't even handle it again. I'm just explaining it's over, end of. A few choice reasons (there are lots of little ones that aren't worth bring up) then ask him to leave.

I'm so much angrier than I was. Was just upset before. It makes it easier though.

Anger is good, in this instance.

Not wanting to be in a relationship any more is all the reason you need not to be in one, especially when you don't live together or have kids together. I'm not saying don't give him other reasons, but hold on to that.

Have you told him it's over? If you have, write and e mail with the main points, if you haven't you need to do it now. Engage with him no further, delete his number and block it!

He knows it's not looking good (hence clutching and stupid straws probably) but that's where we left it. Haven't spoken since sat eve.

Plus he has crap here

The relationship might be working for him, but it's not working for you, and that's enough. He doesn't need in depth analysis and discussion, because he doesn't want that to understand, he wants it to have a chance to disagree with everything you're saying and to convince you otherwise.

100%

It's what he was trying to do before but I'm more prepared for that and prepared to say, look, that's it, you know why, here's your stuff etc.

Good luck, and we're here for the handholding.