to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

Thank you.

It didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped before, which is a bit embarassing/crap on my part. Would be a lot easier if I was 'well' but I couldn't leave it any longer.

You've done really well OP. He didn't sound like a keeper. All those niggles would have built up into something huge - like taking on another child.

Agree with the others - pack up his things, give him a deadline to pick them up and them go no contact for as long as it takes for him to understand it's final, and for you to not change your mind.

First time on your thread Lucky so forgive me for jumping straight in, but it sounds as though you are doing exactly the right thing. No matter how much he protests and promises, his actions show that he just isn't ready for family life yet.

He wants to move from an environment where he gets fed, looked after and is free to socialise as he pleases, to an arrangement where he gets fed, looked after, is free to socialise as he pleases, and gets sex on tap.

Thank you

The phrase '...doth protest too much' pops into my head when we're 'talking'.

That comment about my health and DS was the dirt on the coffin in the ground!

I know if we stayed together/got back together ever in the future I'd end up feeling like crap about myself. I do have a worth and it's more than that. I'm a lot more than just my health issues/a mother and the right bloke would see that. More importantly, I see that, and would be doing myself a bloody injustice staying with someone who thinks that way about me

(I am normally very modest, but seriously!)

(Going to call him tonight and do it that way instead. We've talked enough. He can pick his stuff up in the week sometime. He'll be furious but it is what it is and I need it to be over asap. if he comes over to talk it's too risky and he'll just try and change my mind).

What he said about you and your ds is the nail in the coffin! You know he is not the right bloke, you know now how he sees you! Even if he came over, I could never change my stance, I would end up pushing him out the door. Or meet somewhere nutural, where it's easy to walk away. Put his stuff in bin bags and out it out the front where you don't gave to see him.

His stuff is in a bag in the cupboard by the door.

(He has some stuff here worth a lot )

this looks pretty much done and dusted. OP - just wanted to say well done, you have done some really important thinking and don't weaken!

Upthread I picked up on this to comment on:

"There's so much I wish I'd known before we got together. "

But you aren't together, in any dissoluble way - no house, no dcs, not even a cat! - so, now you know, and now you know what to do.

Thank you.

He kept arguing before that I'm being too negative and thinking of the what-ifs too much (wrt thinking about future issues) but of course I'm going to consider the future from all directions. You can't just go about life hoping for the best, never thinking more than a week ahead and with no plan B in place (unless you live at home with your parents and don't have any dependents).

There's a difference between being a pessimist and considering things carefully (especially when there's a child involved)!

Just a few hours now anyway. I have a cheese-tastic DVD and some wine on standby. I have a feeling I'll need it!

It sounds from this thread that your boyfriend (or soon to be ex) has a habit of deflecting questions or conversations that he doesn't like by changing the conversation to be about criticism of you. this is an infuriating habit in its own right, and a good reason to ltb even if he was the most together and grown-up dependable step-dad in the world.

you say things have been bothering you for a while - he says "oh you are so cold to be only telling me this now". this means "I don't want to hear it and am turning this into a discussion of your failings instead". If you said it instantly, he would be criticising you for being too quick to criticise - because "I don't want to hear it" always has a version that will apply to any way at all that you try to say something.

"too negative, thinking of the what-ifs" = I don't want to hear it and am turning this into a discussion of your failings instead

you will never be able to communicate effectively with a man who consistently uses this technique. He will do it tonight, so don't bother listening or taking on board any of the nasty things he will say about you when you are dumping his arse. He will probably say variants on the utter nonsense about you being a liability with health problems and a child (where the fuck does he get off?) - don't listen, you can end the conversation whenever you like.

I know. It does catch me off guard sometimes and make me feel guilty/like a bitch, until I realize it was just to derail the conversation.

I know he's going to be horrible. Which is why I'd rather not have him in my house whilst I'm doing it.

I will basically say my bit, then say you can pick up your stuff at this time and that's it.

Got half an hour.

MUST. NOT. GET. SIDETRACKED

It's done.

Am sat here crying because he was bloody horrible but it's done.

I'm rooting for you.

Thanks. Had a very brief chat with a friend and feel better.

Already feel strangely relieved though tbh. I feel like a bitch because I normally cry etc but I just kept as mono-tone as I could and powered through it. He kept asking why I didn't sound bothered think he was just annoyed I didn't get all pathetic and wet-blankety like I have in the past

That's great lucky, the fact that he was horribal says it all really!

I'm just like his ex gf apparantly. Maybe the common theme is him, not us

He couldn't believe I did it on the phone but I'm glad I did, he got horrible and shouty.

Well done. X

Well done (((Lucky)))

Thank you

Had a chat with DM and feel tonnes better about it. She said she hasn't seen me normal and 'happy' in ages (because I've been worrying about the relationship).

Well done Lucky

oh god, he came to pick up his stuff and, as I guessed, wouldn't leave until he'd really tried to guilt trip me into the ground

'Are you really throwing it all away' 'this is ridiculous, you can't just do that' etc.