to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Well lucky, he is a freeloader, you know what he's like so you don't get yourself in a mess.

[LuckyLannister]

Thanks.

[TheABC]

OP, judging by your comments, you already know he is not the partner or father you need for your family. You can't trust him. You can't trust his promises. You also appear to be in a very good place with a house over your head, on going education and a lovely child! You've got time to learn from this relationship and pick more carefully in the future.

Incidentally, I can't see him changing or breaking up with you, no matter how many ultimatum or talks you do. It's going to be unpleasant and its going to have to be you making the first move as the responsible adult. Sorry.

[LuckyLannister]

Thanks ABC

[LuckyLannister]

BF is coming over later (DS got quite ill so had a few days 'break').

Am just going to lay it all out, as plainly as I can (ie no sugar coating).

That it didn't matter at the start that his hobbies meant he was pretty busy etc. That I didn't used to resent him doing his own thing (especially with regards to DS) because it was early days and he gave the firm impression that would change. That it didn't used to matter he was a bit 'behind' with life skills etc because he gave the firm impression he wanted to catch up and that overall I feel more indifferent to him than anything else because it doesn't seem viable as it it is.

That may seem a bit pointless/harsh but if I just break up with him he'll demand to know why anyway and because I can't leave it any longer without saying something. I can't bear to kiss him/hug him atm so it's obvious something's amiss I think. Plus I'm being a chicken! It's not all his fault as I've let things slide for a while without saying anything and that was a bit crap/not fair. And I'd want to know if he'd felt that way about me.

[VeloWoman]

Stay strong OP, he does not deserve you!

[LuckyLannister]

Thank you.

Am also having loads of bloody health issues which are being made worse (from the stress) so I need this to be as sorted as it can be really.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He just always asks why I didn't tell him the second it popped into my head and thinks I've been heartless/done something very wrong by sitting on it for a bit. He thinks because I've let him think things are fine that that is the bigger issue."

Presumably he'll use this argument this time too, and it'll be easier to counter if you are ready for it.

• You haven't 'let' him think things are fine - he has chosen to ignore that things are not fine. You broke up with him before because things were not fine. He promised to be better, then broke his promises. He 'let' himself think that that was fine.

• You didn't tell him the second it popped into your head because that's not the type of person you are, you like to think about things first. If he wants to be with someone who speaks the second something pops into their head, then he doesn't want to be with you.

• It is not heartless to 'sit on it' for a bit because by doing so, you have in the past decided that he wasn't a problem, you were just feeling a bit sensitive that day for unrelated reasons (health, studies etc.) and that there are many times that he has, UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM, benefited from you 'sitting on it'.

Stay strong OP. You know that you are wasting your time staying with him, he is a bit of a future-faker, and you and your son deserve far far better. At best he is an exotic pet, but he is incapable of being a fully-functioning partner until he does some serious growing up.

[LuckyLannister]

Thank you That's really helped!

[tellmeastory]

I hope your chat later goes well, it does read like he is not ready for family life yet and a partner is there to make your life better, not just give you more to do.

I think there was a poster some time ago with the same issues, if I remember rightly she finished the relationship as he was making her life harder, getting drunk and sleeping it off at her place while she and her ds had to go out to avoid the booze smell, may have been the last straw.

[Burren]

Stay strong, OP. For what it's worth, you sound admirable, and while he may be a nice person at heart - or will grow into one in ten years - he's not what you need, as you know deep down. Don't waste more time on his well-meaning but baseless promises to get his act together, especially if it's likely to cost you a decent showing in your degree. He may be happy to bumble along like an elderly teenager, but that's not your style, or what your child needs.

I think you know yourself that the worst thing for the three of you would be to drag this out for another five years, and realise at the end that nothing significant has changed.

[Foodylicious]

Just read the whole thread and wanted to say good luck!
Don't engage with it if he tries to divert the sttention into how you have gone about this.
Be clear " I am not getting into a discussion about that, you need to accept that this is not working for me, i do not want to hear how you will change, we are over"
can you have a friend around upstairs with DS or on stand by to come over if you text them? Just incase he gets too arsey/ wont accept it and leave etc or is shouting? Dont want you to back down just do yoyr DS does not have to hear you arguing.

[LuckyLannister]

He'll leave and if he starts shouting/being very agressive I will ask him to leave without any more discussion (or I'll threaten to ring the police, which I know would work if he was lingering/trying it on).

I can be a pushover but only to an extent I think he thinks the limits are endless...

[LuckyLannister]

And thank you

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry OP. You sound very upset at the realisation. I think your boyfriend is probably a nice person but, he's not ready to commit and if he does, I get the nagging feeling that he might 'start fresh' with somebody else.

It sounds as if he's trying out the family-thing with you. All the conversations, and your break-up with him (for a week) and the generally nice things you would do instinctively for somebody you love, don't seem to be coming to the fore here, are they?

You have an extremely unequal relationship and it seems as if he's holding all the cards because you have a son that you want this to work for. If your boyfriend wanted it to, then it would work. He doesn't and you're finally hearing those annoying, nagging gut feelings for what they are.

You sound really very sensible and together - and so much more deserving of a proper partner than this man(child). It's hard to do, I know, but I think you'd be better off ending this and seeing where your freedom takes you because at the moment, he's stopping you from meeting somebody else and that's not fair.

[Littlegreyauditor]

The problem as far as I can see it OP is that you are an adult and he simply isn't.

You have a child. What you need is a partner, an equal partner, not another child.

Realistically I think he sounds a minimum of 5 years away from even beginning to grow up.

I hope your chat goes well and you can do what is best for you and your DS.

[LuckyLannister]

Thanks.

I think it will be 5 years or more (or never wrt not expecting a woman to do everything for him tbh). Nice or not.

[BakerStreetSaxRift]

Hi OP. You sound like you have your head screwed on and are thinking about this very fairly and rationally, ie he hasn't done anything "wrong", it's just not right, long term, and if you knew how it would be in the beginning you wouldn't have got involved, that's key, I think. You don't need to "settle" just because it's 18 months diem the line. You've wasted enough time!

[LuckyLannister]

Thanks. Didn't see him last night as I had to go to the out of hours clinic! I was so reday to get it over and done with too

I want to emphasize that I don't feel like this is anyone's fault as such to him. He'll be hurt enough as it is and yes, he's done a few shitty things but then it's not been plain sailing (had a few health issues/parental issues along the way) and I know he didn't know quite understand what he was getting into as he'd never dated anyone with a child before (or anyone he didn't meet on a night out tbh).

And part of it is because of me. I have one or two expectations that he can't really meet but they're dealbreakers for me.

I'll add that I just can't see how it'll work in the future on top of that of course.

[cheminotte]

Lucky - don't know if you've seen him yet yet but just wanted to say don't get too tangled up in justifying yourself, giving him reasons where he can say it will change in the future.

[LuckyLannister]

Well he brought up the fact he took me on with a kid and stuck by me through health issues (that apparantly most men would have run away from, both DS and the health issues). That was just to highlight how much he loves me or something but it came across guilt trippy and like he was trying to make me feel that no other bloke would want me/us

Had a chat anyway but had to be cut short so we're meeting tomorrow eve so I can give him his stuff and to finish it.

This is crap. But as much as Id like to I can't really dump the bloke by email and leave his crap outside (we have a tonne of mutual friends and i'd never hear the end of it)

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Oh my god. He "took you on"? But he didn't actually DO anything much to help, did he??

[LuckyLannister]

I know!

I've always felt a bit crap about the healt stuff (I spent 2 weeks in hospital last year) and struggle with depression (haven't for a while but this relationship hasn't helped at times) but besides taking care of myself it's hardly something I have any control over is it? I couldn't believe he actually said it. Plus, he's been crap at time when dealing with it (like buggering off when I came out of hospital this year) or just telling me off for how I'm dealing with it etc. But no, no other man would do even that

[LuckyLannister]

Oh and his friend agreed so it's 100% accurate

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Well, you "took on" a man child who lives with his parents and can't even handle a few hours of babysitting.

If we're getting technical here