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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

261 replies

LuckyLannister · 08/06/2014 21:06

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent Hmm

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 06:57

he doesn't have to come round unless it suits you, it's not his home - You'd think it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:01

Posted too soon. You'd think it was as when he popped over yesterday he'd said he'd literally pop over, cook dinner for us quickly, have half an hour quality time then leave. But he came over, fell asleep taking up half the sofa (which I'd been sprawled out on because I felt like liquid arse) and scrounged dinner from what I ended up making me and DS because it was nearly DS's bedtime and BF clearly hadn't thought his 'promise' through. If I'd have known I'd have told him too just leave it and come over in the week sometime. Ended up feeling doubly rough and pissed off on top...

OP posts:
KristinaM · 09/06/2014 07:03

He is so stressed after looking after DS for one night that he can't stay in to look after you when you've been in hospital , He has to go out with his friends ?

So once you are living together and Ds is with you both all weekend,how is he going to cope ?

when he stays at yours, does he contribute practically and financially? Does he shop, cook wash up? Buy food? Pay towards the bills?

You mentioned that has more spare cash than you

Does he treat you when you go out or is it always 50:50?

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:07

He does treat me sometimes but I usually prefer to pay 50/50 anyway.

He gives me £30 a month for food (doesn't cover what he eats though and I end up cooking most of the time because he doesn't start til it's too late to feed DS though he manages to do it early enough a handful of times a month).

He can't actually 'cook' cook though Blush so it's usually freezer stuff/pasta with something. I've taught him a few things but don't usually feel like teaching someone to cook near DS's bedtime after a long day etc.

I do think he'll really struggle if we live together. Despite everything he's said about it/how much he wants it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:09

(He's on £17,000 a year but lives at home, no car, pays £200 rent and their Sky bill but still has a lot left over. I find it a bit hard to believe now isn't a good time to learn to drive it never is or that he can't save anything yet to move out, even if it's to move out alone or for the future in general).

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BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:09

"always end up staying in as he's 'out a lot in the week' so isn't that bothered whereas I've been stuck in for almost 2 weeks by that point and am always dying to do something, anything vaguely adult and out of the house "

If he put himself out for you one quarter as much as you do for him, he would go out a bit less with his mates on weeks DS is with his dad so that you got to do what you would like to do sometimes too.

Why is what he wants more important, in his eyes, than what you want?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:10

Lucky, have you looked at what might happen to any benefits you receive were you to live together?

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:12

I think he thinks because he gave up one night of sport and isn't out all weekend (just Saturday day) that it's now really fair/equal tbh...

I said to him (during out big talk recently) that if he babysat DS and I went out as much as him (so it was equal) it wouldn't even be possible, as he's out over half the evenings of the week. Again, he says it'll be different then but seriously? Why not now? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:13

I'll lose a lot of them Confused and need a lot of financial help from him, plus I'll lose my 'secure' home so I wouldn't yet. It's way too risky for me and DS.

I'm a full time uni student atm (first year).

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TheSameBoat · 09/06/2014 07:15

As someone who has been in same situation, I would say that you are doing all that crappy housework practical every day stuff anyway whether you're with him or without him. Because you're the mum and unfortunately that's how it rolls.

The difference is that when you're single you don't spend all your time feeling resentful of the someone else who is NOT doing it. It will feel like a huge relief.

LTB and find a man who loves you enough to share all aspects of your life, not just the easy bits.

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:18

Thank you Same Brew

It helps to hear from someone who's done it. I get the feeling it'd be a relief but am just a bit scared of the jump I guess and making the wrong decision.

I never used to miss the 'freedom' as I was never a party-hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:27

I think it's a case of main issues:
I feel resentful, more aware of being an LP to DS, like he's just here for the 'good bits' of family life, like we'd never progress together or at least not for another ten years and that's crazy.

But He is very loving when he is here and when things are good they're great, we have similar interests/tastes, he'd be gutted and I'd be the 'baddie' for sure & I don't want to make a wrong decision.

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Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:29

I also feel like his mum sometimes Blush It makes me cringe. He isn't great at personal hygiene (or at least he isn't now we're 'comfortable' together).

There's so much I wish I'd known before we got together. But then I suppose that's how hindsight works!

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:30

If he says it'll be different if he moves in, it needs to start being a bit different NOW. He can't go from 0 to 60.

What if he babysat one night a fortnight/month?

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:35

I could try that.

I feel like, if anything, it should different now. Why would it change? I don't want to feel like I have to force him to cut it down. He talks about the nights we are together like he's made a massive sacrifice for me and to him, he probably has but he's hardly been ball-and-chained Hmm

OP posts:
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:39

Op

Everything you say tells me that, if you met him now, you wouldn't date him now.

He doesn't have to do anything "wrong" to not be right for you.

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:41

I wouldn't have if I'd known how different we were in 'life stages' tbh.

I was hoping he'd just catch up but I feel like I'm kidding myself a bit now. He genuinelys seems to want to when he talks about it, but just not now IYSWIM?

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Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:41

(Certainly learnt a life lesson there though)! Blush

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BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:42

Stop thinking you are less important than him! Smile He loves you, he says he wants to be a family but he is all talk, no action.

You'd probably babysit once a month for a friend who asked, if you had as much free time as him. Yet he won't do it for you, who he wants to marry one day?

TheSameBoat · 09/06/2014 07:42

I think you're doing the right thing by looking at these things now OP. My cousin thought she could change her man when they started living together, that things would change when they had their own and he would step up.

Has he hell! He is as "fairweather" as ever and doesn't even change his own son's nappies.

Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:46

I guess I feel like I am, to him anyway. Not on purpose. He is just naturally a little selfish in the way people often are if they've not had kids/are still fairly young.

I used to actually feel much more confident/sure of my worth.

And my close friend and I often swap babysitting favours (both seperated from our DCs dads). That's partly how I've found the time to learn to drive! (Thank god).

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Original poster
LuckyLannister · 09/06/2014 07:49

Same - That's my biggest fear!

Because of DS, I just wouldn't risk it atm as he'd lose out on the security I've gotten for him over the last 2 years (have a council place, which is like gold dust atm so we're very very very lucky) and I don't want to risk getting more stressed or him living in a 'tense' environment. It's not fair on him as well as the adults in that situation really.

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Aeroflotgirl · 09/06/2014 07:51

I am going to do the Mumsnet big red flags waving here. He sounds full of empty promises, the "it will be different when we have our own" thing is worrying. I would run for the hills tbh, he sounds very flaky.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:53

Lucky, he is 29. Off the top of my head, I think the average age of first marriage is 30. He's also been around you and DS for over a year.

Yes, I was more care free when I had no kids but then I wasn't promising someone with a kid that I would be a great parent.

I am not saying break up with him tomorrow but you need to know if he actually can handle the step dad thing before too much longer. Given what you said about promising to cook dinner but falling asleep, I don't know how that will go.

By the way, why didn't you wake him up?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 09/06/2014 07:55

Edit first sentence above to read 29 not 19.