to resent BF for his ability to bugger off and sleep/do hobbies/see friends when I'm stuck at home with DS?

[LuckyLannister]

Important bits:

DS is not his, though we've been together for 1 1/2yrs and since DS was 1 1/2 (he's now 3 and a bit).

I'm 25 he's 29. I live alone with DS and he lives with his parents (had a shit job for most of his twenties and just never 'got it together').

DP/BF says lots of (what I feel are) sweet nothings about us being a family and DS being like his own etc etc. He wants us to move in together, would love to be a dad in the next 5ish years...

I know what I signed up for with DS. I've been a lone parent since pregnancy. But I find myself feeling really resentful that DP/BF plays sport two nights a week and one weekend-day then often has a guys night too. I can't really arrange to go out at myself unless it's far in advance (and it's not really about that tbh). I just feel so acutely aware of 'being' a single parent when he's off doing his stuff. It never used to bother me when I was single.

It also goes against a lot of the stuff he says about us being a family etc. If we're likely to have a bad night he stays home. I have a cervical infection from treatment last week and DS is ill so he just popped in briefly (and fell asleep on the sofa for 2hrs) before going home to get an early one. He doesn't deal with the bad behaviour or do the other boring parent stuff. Or anything remotely resembling housework, despite staying here a lot. Just plays with him. So I find it hard not to roll my eyes when he says he feels like DS's parent

He is nice generally. He does love me/DS. But I certainly wouldn't want a child with him (too high a risk of ending up a single mum of two) and wonder if being nice isn't enough if you resent them? It's not healthy is it? I can't really help feeling that way, other than making sure I keep seeing my own friends/doing my own thing within my limits.

I just feel so crap about it this last month or so.

[LuckyLannister]

tbh I just don't believe him anymore.

When we had that chat he said he can't wait to move out of his 'rents' house and that he hates not living away from home. He also said he needs to learn to drive asap.

But he has no intention of saving and when I asked him casually about the driving he said 'now's not the right time'.

Being a parent is bloody tough on it's own at times and I just feel like I don't need this 'project' on the side. That's not why I entered a relationship IYSWIM?

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

"Being a parent is bloody tough on it's own at times and I just feel like I don't need this 'project' on the side. That's not why I entered a relationship IYSWIM?"

Yup.

[HSMMaCM]

If he moves in it will just be like having a lazy teenager in the house by the sounds of it. Does he realise he would be putting his money into the house and then you and he would take the same amount of 'pocket' money out of it to spend? He probably won't be able to afford to go out, have sky, etc.

[LuckyLannister]

Plus doing a degree is knackering in itself. I do worry it'll cost me a good pass or a pass at all sometimes. I just can't tell whether to have another talk then leave it to see what happens or just call it a day.

He's tricky to talk to (gets very angry not violent and thinks I'm being a cold hearted bitch etc ).

[LuckyLannister]

I did tell him we probably wouldn't have Sky and that it's a luxury that I have the internet as it is etc but he said we'd find a way.

We could try using DS's monopoly money?

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

"He's tricky to talk to (gets very angry and thinks I'm being a cold hearted bitch etc )."

In what way does he get very angry?

DH has never called me a bitch, and we started dating in our early 20s.

[LuckyLannister]

He doesn't call me a bitch. He just always asks why I didn't tell him the second it popped into my head and thinks I've been heartless/done something very wrong by sitting on it for a bit. He thinks because I've let him think things are fine that that is the bigger issue.

But you can't just say something like that, without thinking it through or making sure you want to at all etc. I've never quite understood it tbh. But it puts me off 'talks'.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Ah, ok, I took that from "thinks you are a cold hearted bitch".

Again - why does the way he prefers to communicate (off the cuff) seem more important to him than your way (though through), to the extent that you are heartless using your preferred way?

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Thought through, not though through!

[Nanny0gg]

I think the time for talking has passed.

He won't be any use to anyone as a partner until he has left his mother's and stood on his own two feet.

And you don't need to hang around while he does it.

[echt]

This may sound picky but it's significant.

Does he "think" you're being heartless or does he say it?

Does he think "because I've let him think things are fine" or does he say this? Look at that verb "let him". It puts it all back on you.

He "thinks I'm being a cold-hearted bitch". Does he say this?

I would be wary of anyone who says "you think" because, you know what, they don't know, unless they're a mind reader.

Your BF comes over as a rather clever manipulator.

Stop considering what he says focus on what he does.

[LuckyLannister]

He says how could I let him think things were fine. I must not care at all etc.

[TheSameBoat]

Another financial thing to think off (which is the case for me) is that if you're in council or social housing it's a big risk to move out if it doesn't work out. I don't know when you signed your contract but the rules regarding long term tenancy have changed so you may be on a less secure tenancy if you ever have to reapply and sign a new contract.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

That sound like he is trying to shut you down, tbh.

[TheSameBoat]

Oh lucky, that stuff he's saying is just deflection tactics. The issue itself is what's important not the way you brought it up!

[LuckyLannister]

I think he does it to make himself the total victim and just make me back track. It's partly why I just dumped him last year. He wouldn't listen and I just thought fuck it!

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Ok... So have things really improved since you got back together?

[hiccupgirl]

I'm sorry but 29 is not that young - I got married at 29, ok didn't have kids but had a mortgage and responsibilities.

He sounds like he's got the perfect arrangement at the mo. His mum looks after him, you look after him, he makes vague noises about commitment to keep you happy as he thinks that what you want, he gets to be a cool playmate for your DS when it suits him and then gets to be a single guy out with his mates.

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for him to grow up and you and your DS deserve much better than this.

[LuckyLannister]

They did a bit. He stopped treating my house like his hotel (not totally but a fair bit better). And of course he was so sorry, missed me so much and all that.

He always improves a bit after we have a chat but it doesn't usually last 100% IYSWIM? I think a lot of that is partly down to just not having to stand on his own two feet (i.e getting lifts everywhere from his dad, only paying a little rent, not knowing how much a decent food shop costs/bills etc). But that can't last forever can it. I just feel like it may last a lot longer than he makes out/I thought.

I am so greatful for MN. It's so helpful to be able to really think it all through, and without any biased opinions etc. (My friends do all think I should probably call it a day though DM thinks I should wait a little longer as he obviously loves me etc).

[LuckyLannister]

I look after him a lot less than I did but I know what you mean. I see no incentive for him to do any of the stuff he says. I've made it clear (twice) that those things are dealbreakers and that once I'm qualified that's it, no hanging around. If I can get myself sorted with a small child in tow then he certainly can. So I have no idea why he's half-arsing it tbh when he was so upset we broke up & that I felt like breaking up again last month!?

I think it might just be the way he is. No one's 'fault'. Just the way it is?

[KristinaM]

Ony give him two years to get his act together!! You've already had 18months. He has already shown you what kind of person he is. Why aren't you listening ?

Because he says he loves you?
Because he woudl be upset and it woudl be your fault ?

You need to stop listening to his words and start looking at his actions

[LuckyLannister]

I am

It's not looking good!

[KristinaM]

You obviously have a lot of determination -it's not easy to do a degree as a lone parent with a LO. Please don't let yourself be dragged down by some man child. You need to be free to get on with own life and make a new future for you and your DS.

[LuckyLannister]

Thank you. Yeah, I feel like a bit of an idiot but I think it's become much more apparant now the intial honeymoon period is totally over.

I haven't talked about it much with anyone so I think writing it down has really helped. It's easy to think 'well nothing massive happened' but if it's not right, it's not right.

I feel exhausted from trying to make it 'right'.

[x2boys]

I,m sure he does love you and your ds but it sounds like he loves him in a vague way like you might love the child of a friend ie you like. Playing with them cuddling them but don't want the responsibility of parenting them you may well be perfect for each other but he sounds like he doesn't want the fulltime responsibility of a child? Unfortunately its either all or nothing otherwise you will get more and more resentful.